


The End Of All Things

by krazieLeylines



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Post-Sburb, Sadstuck, redemption story, the villains get a second chance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazieLeylines/pseuds/krazieLeylines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the game, the trolls and cherubs are randomly assigned to one of the four households back on Earth. With hard feelings everywhere, and a new planet where humans and trolls co-exist to explore, where do the villains fit in? Caliborn, who mourns his lost opportunity to become Lord English. Aranea Serket, who has to ask herself if she was actually trying to help, or just help herself. Damara Megido, who appears to hate everyone who tries to open up to her. Kurloz Makara, who is still willing to follow his false deities to the grave, dragging his quadrants down with him. And Gamzee Makara, who in all his capricious clown foolery, still remains a mystery, even to the ones who used to (and perhaps still do) love him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\--ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo on board SO WE WON--  
EB: seeing as we’re finally won  
EB: i suppose a great big congratulations is in order.  
EB: so…  
EB: congrats everyone!!  
EB: most of us did great.  
EB: and for the rest of us  
EB: um  
EB: well i guess this is what the memo is about.  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: John, I think it would be most beneficial if all of our words were concise and to the point.   
\--turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo--  
TG: in other words  
TG: some of us fucked up  
TG: some of us done fucked up good  
\--gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo--  
GG: wait guys!!  
GG: one question  
EB: yeah?  
GG: did all of the trolls come back with us??  
GG: karkat is here with me  
GG: and so are sollux and eridan  
GG: who im pretty sure were dead!  
GG: so did all the dead trolls come back to life?  
EB: oh wait  
EB: i forgot you were being all badass witch of life when all the shit hit the proverbial fan  
GG: heehee :)  
EB: yeah well rose and i kind of were given the opportunity to create our own prize planet  
TT: One of the many conditions we demanded of the game was to allow those in the dream bubbles to arrive with us.  
TT: Only those who originated in the alpha timeline, however, to avoid bringing along clones.  
TT: A second condition was to prototype the new world with the matriorb.  
TT: If no one has yet noticed, trolls as a populace appear equal to humans. If not just in number, but in legal standing as well.  
TT: Whether this applies to societal standing has yet to be observed firsthand.  
TT: It’s on my floor reaching checklist.  
GG: wait  
GG: are you saying that trolls are actually living on planet earth now???? :o  
EB: yep!  
TT: After some debate, John and I agreed not to include the drones or lusii in the new Earth, however.  
EB: we also brought the consorts with us because duh were not going to leave casey behind  
TT: Leaving behind dear Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer would have been an unforgivable villainy indeed.  
EB: yes poor sweet casey is like a daughter to me.  
EB: anyway i suppose a roll call is in order.  
EB: jane and i have vriska and tavros.  
EB: and also we snagged all the no do-gooders.  
EB: theyre all under strict time out until further notice.  
GG: the…  
GG: no do-gooders??  
EB: you know  
EB: the villains  
EB: caliborn, gamzee, aranea, damara, kurloz  
EB: all those guys.  
GG: oh!!  
GG: wait you have some of the post-scratch trolls with you too??  
TT: You don’t?  
TT: Hmm, yes, a rolecall would be very helpful indeed.  
TT: John, is yours completed?  
EB: ummmm wait no  
EB: we also have meenah with us  
EB: our dad is flipping.  
EB: our house is simply not meant to house a family of eleven.  
EB: especially when half of us are known criminals…  
GG: :(  
TT: I suppose I should go next.  
TT: I took Kanaya with me, and Roxy has reunited with both parts of her dear Fefeta.  
TT: In other words, Feferi and Nepeta.  
TT: We also have Calliope with us, who I suspect arrived here because of Roxy.  
TT: And some pre-scratch trolls.   
TT: One moment. I don’t recall all of their names.  
TT: Let’s see, we have Cronus, Porrim, Kankri and Mituna with us.  
TT: That makes a grand total of seven trolls, two humans, and a cherub.  
TT: And of course Von Salamancer.  
TT: With plenty of space to spare, actually.  
TT: This house is absurdly large. As impossible as it is, I like to imagine that my mom bought this house specifically for this in mind.  
TT: Looking back, she did seem to have a near arcane amount of knowledge about the trials I would face in the game, and she prepared me fittingly. Perhaps it is one of those endearing little mysteries that shall never be answered.  
TG: yeah like why my bro made a million plus bucks on leprechaun dildos  
TG: when leprechauns didnt even technically exist yet  
TG: or where the fuck he got a damn juju in the first place or had enough sense to wear shades around it to prevent us from being cursed  
TT: Do not forget about how our alternative selves knew enough about the game to pass it on to Dirk and Roxy via our award selling books or satirical movies.  
TT: Some things are best left unknown, I think.  
TG: anyway its mine turn i think  
TG: so obviously tz appeared with me and dirk has the sweatybitch troll also  
TG: then also i think aradia is around here somewhere but idk maybe equius is just hallucinating  
TG: hes been really weird even since he saw the gallon of milk in the fridge  
TG: then for dancestors we got faceplant, sweatybitch two point o, and radglare  
TG: so like all together thats eight of us  
TG: were fucking cramped in this tiny ass apartment  
TG: seriously the robohumper duo smell like bo and horse shit  
TG: its the only thing you can smell  
TG: dirk has had a constant hard on for the past two hours  
TG: a couple more and i might have to take him to the fucking hospital   
GG: dave ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  
GG: D:  
GG: okay im going to direct this conversation back to its proper course before it gets any weirder  
GG: i already said who we have  
GG: karkat sollux eridan jake  
GG: and of course me!!  
GG: five in total  
TT: Alright, so adding this all up.  
TT: I believe we have everyone accounted for.  
TT: I don’t see any real patterns behind who is housed with whom, except of course for the four of us ending up with our patrons.  
TT: I’m going to make a quick chart just to make this information easily accessible.   
EB: right  
EB: back to the original topic.  
TG: right  
TG: which was  
EB: what were going to do about the villains!  
TT: John I request a change of vocabulary.  
TT: Villain is a rather obscure term, and I’m not entirely sure it applies in this scenario. Even antagonist would be a stretch, as it would imply that we are the protagonists, or the center of our own story. It can be argued that everyone is the center of their own story.  
EB: well since it is our story to us they are the antagonists miss smarty pants  
TT: True, true.  
TT: But the circumstances of their so called villainy are quite varied between each individual.  
TT: We have some that have been misguided by warped morals that their own worlds oppressed them by, some who were, as Jade and I once were, controlled, and then of course, your natural chaotic evils.  
TG: yeah yeah yeah we have a whole rainbow spectrum of evil guy character types and you can analyze them to your hearts content later  
TG: right now they pose a threat and unless you want to hitch your ass up to washington to become their personal freud incarnate were going to have to figure out something to do with them before they end up fucking shit up again  
EB: thank you dave!  
EB: im sorry rose i know some of them are good and stuff but right now theyre living under my roof with my family  
TT: I understand. I would just prefer that we speak of them as individuals rather than as a mass blob of destructive energy. Though I wouldn’t ask that we trust them quite yet, we should be open to the very real possibility that some of them mean no harm.  
GG: rose youre talking about gamzee arent you???  
TT: Not specifically, but he is a prime example.  
TG: dammit rose  
TG: what the hell is it about that juggalo that makes all the bitches want to fall on his lap and pet him  
TG: is it his codpiece  
TG: like his codpiece isnt even impressive like its below average cock size i hope you know  
TT: Once upon a time I swore to be his auspistice.  
TT: Although I am not entirely sure what that role involves, instinctively I feel that it puts me in a sort of guardianship role of him. To protect him, as well as plague him with my meddlesome mediating.  
GG: okay okay guys  
GG: sorry to be a butt and interrupt again  
GG: but does anyone know why the trolls are like  
GG: unconscious??  
GG: or at least ours are :(  
TT: It is daytime. On Alternia, I’m sure it was hardwired into their system to sleep during the day. This probably does not affect the trolls raised on Earth, but our own group needs time to adjust.  
TT: Think of it as cross-universal jet lag.  
TG: i dont know what you guys are talking about equius has been vibrating harder than dirks plastic horse cock since we arrived  
TG: and tz has licked everything slightly near the red spectrum in sight  
TG: that may or not include the fetus in a bottle  
GG: daaaave  
GG: why do you have a fetus in a bottle????  
TG: sure youll question that but not dirks bestiality toy  
TG: thanks jade  
TG: thanks so fucking much  
GG: stop saying fuck so much!!  
GG: youve been spending too much time with karkat D:TG: yo fuck aint his word  
TG: okay i can fuck and motherfuck all i want no one owns those swears  
TG: its not like we all have our own catch phrase profanity   
TG: how dumb would that be  
EB: guys guys guys  
TG: john john john  
EB: the point!!  
EB: i have known murderers and shit living in my house  
EB: what do i do???  
TG: man  
TG: thats a tough one  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] has responded to memo--  
CG: HEY.  
GG: karkat!!  
GG: youre finally awake :D  
CG: YEAH. CAN’T SLEEP.  
CG: LOOK. ABOUT GAMZEE…  
CG: LET ME JUST  
CG: TALK TO HIM, OKAY?  
CG: HE’S STILL SORT OF MY RESPONSIBILITY.  
CG: AND I DID A SHIT JOB OF THAT BEFORE SO  
TG: dude you dont owe the clown shit  
CG: BUT I KIND OF DO.  
CG: I WAS SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIM PACIFIED. I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE HE WAS STABLE.  
CG: DAVE, WHEN TEREZI WAKES UP  
CG: TELL HER I’M SORRY.  
TG: hell fucking no im not  
TG: you didnt do jack shit wrong bro  
CG: JUST DO IT, OKAY?  
CG: PLEASE.  
TG: dude whatever  
TG: its so fucking bullshit though and you know it  
TG: dont let gamzee knot you into his web of lies okay  
TG: im here if you need me  
GG: me too!!  
CG: YEAH  
CG: THANKS YOU GUYS.  
CG: JOHN I’LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased replying to memo--  
EB: ummmm  
EB: anyone else feel like they missed something?  
TG: long story short  
TG: karkat and gamzee used to be a thing  
TG: then gamzee and terezi were a thing  
TG: it kind of overlapped with weird quadrant shit  
TG: and then gamzee was a piece of shit boyfriend and karkat and terezi still feel guilt about it even though hes the one who fucked them both up  
TT: It’s a lot more complicated than that, though.  
EB: wait rose  
EB: so youre dating gamzee too then  
EB: in the threesome quadrant?  
TT: The current state of our relationship is… complicated.  
EB: okay so everything is just complicated  
TG: pretty much  
GG: i feel like we all missed so much!!  
GG: and when we finally got together again we didnt even get a chance to catch up :(  
GG: i miss you guys a lot D: D: D:  
EB: i miss you too jade.  
EB: i miss all of you.  
TT: I miss you all as well.  
TG: so when can we start buying plane tickets to visit each other  
TT: As much as I hate to say it, let’s try to get situated in this new Earth before we make plans on that big of a scale.  
EB: yeah  
EB: and there are a lot of us  
EB: thats going to be costly  
EB: and leaving the trolls to fend for themselves…  
EB: well…  
TT: This planet is even more alien to them than it is to us.  
EB: it would be a bad idea  
GG: awww  
GG: well lets do it asap okay  
EB: of course!  
TT: Absolutely.  
TT: Dave?  
TG: hang on i got some manly in my eye  
GG: awwwww :D  
GG: thats so cute  
TG: and manly  
TG: you can be both dont question it  
GG: wouldnt dream of it :)  
EB: okay well i think i hear someone stirring upstairs  
TT: Better make sure they aren’t planning on taking over the world, yes?  
EB: yeah  
EB: okay so talk to you guys soon!  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] has closed memo SO WE WON--  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up in the last chapter. Until I feel like redoing all the coding, it says that Mituna is at both Rose and Dave's house. Mituna is at Rose's house. Meulin is supposed to be the one crashing at Dave's. I'll fix it later, sorry for the confusion.

“Unlock this door at once! I will not be confined! Not by you weakling human insects!”

That must have been Caliborn, pounding the door with his clenched fists. His voice broke mid-sentence as he screamed, “Do you hear me?” He cleared his throat, voice dipping almost comically deeper. “I demand this door be unlocked! You fucking worm! I’m going to break every bone in your body! Let me through!”

“Yeah, that’s real convincing. How come whenever a villain ever insults anyone, it’s always by comparing them to a bug? Worm, gnat, insect… it’s really cliché and overdone. You might want to find some new material.”

Everything hurt. Even the beating of Gamzee’s heart, pulsating throughout his head like a blearing siren, was betraying him. The room was pitching violently to the side, and he hadn’t even gathered the courage to blink an eye yet. He was most definitely about to get sick.

The next twenty minutes was a blur of the stench of acid and an ever moving crowd of people, alternating over whom was putting their too cool hands to his shoulders, or speaking over the sound of him emptying his stomach contents. For the first time in his life, Gamzee was burning from inside out, his body heat sizzling to the point where any inhale of the cool room air stung his lungs with the contrast of temperature. It made him think of Karkat, and again Gamzee doubled over the toilet, unsure of when he had been moved to the bathroom, or if he had woken up here, and not particularly caring.

“He’s really sick.”

That was the John human, Gamzee noticed after a second, having only met him in passing before. Or had he? Perhaps that had just been a dream.

Something ice cold was pressed to his forehead, and Gamzee slipped back into unconsciousness.

\--

The light was too bright, but other than a heavy head, Gamzee opened his eyes to discover that he was no longer fever sick. After wiggling his fingertips, he was relieved to find he was still alive.

“Good thinking.” That was Caliborn again. Gamzee turned his head to look up at the cherub.

Arms crossed tight across his chest, the prepubescent godling appeared to tower over him, despite his actual unimpressive height. Then again, Gamzee realized, he was still lying on the floor. “Though it was repulsive to watch, your little scene nearly proved a fairly good distraction. Unfortunately, it only unlocked the door temporarily. We’re still stuck in this room.”

“Not faking. Clown just sick.”

“I’m sorry. Did anyone ask for the whore’s opinion? I don’t think so.”

Groaning, Gamzee attempted to sit up, taking it slow, just in case his stomach attempted to rebel against him again. As soon as he was upright, a cool bottle was shoved into his hand. Without thinking, Gamzee fought his way into getting the cap off, and began to swallow the liquid back with greedy gulps.

Kurloz, who had presumably given him the water, offered a reassuring smile. _NOT TOO FAST_ , he placed in Gamzee’s mind with his chucklevoodoos.

The fear that the water was poisoned stilled Gamzee’s thirst, and he slowly capped it again, and put it to the side. Feeling significantly more normal, Gamzee took the moment to take in the block. It appeared to be a guest room of sorts, with an attached bathroom. There was only one bed, which Damara sat on, seemingly claiming it as her own. And at the back of the room, a small form was huddled in the corner, knees hugged to her chest, her horns the only think that Gamzee could use to figure out who she was. Vriska’s ancestor, what was her name? 

Gamzee felt a rush of bitterness towards her, but didn’t remember exactly why he felt so strongly about her. Had they met before? He was fairly sure they had.

In fact, Gamzee was having a hard time remembering anything. Why were they at John’s house? Was the game finally over? What had happened to the others? Why was he in a room with these five people in particular? Why were they locked in like prisoners?

Gamzee remembered his nightmare from the night before, and with a growing sense of sickness, began to fear that it hadn’t been a nightmare at all.

Swallowing back before he could get sick again, Gamzee turned to Aranea. “Uhhh, big-tittied… uh, Serket?” She probably wasn’t going to respond to his usual nickname for her, he realized. Besides, he only called her that in his dream… right?

When she lifted up her head, Gamzee tried to figure out the best way to word his curiosity. “You were, uh, there, right? When all that shit was going down, and like, there was the lava, and the Condesce, and, like, fuck, that was just a nightmare, right? You don’t got one motherfuckin’ inkling of what I’m even trying to get my speech on about… right?”

“Uhg, clown vocab,” Gamzee heard her murmur, rubbing her temple with a couple of fingers. “You’re talking about that big showdown on LOFAF, right? When my plans… almost worked.”

Oxygen was suddenly rather hard to come by. “That… happened,” Gamzee stated hollowly.

“You were beating the everloving daylights out of Terezi,” Aranea added, musingly, “It was actually really frightening. Is that how kismesissitude on Alternia works? You know what, never mind, I don’t think I want to know.” She heaved a hefty breath, as if she was carrying the world on her shoulders, and shrugged. “Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to. I wasn’t counting on… Jake to have a backup Dirk in that discombobulated eggshell brain of his. I mean, I was _helping_ Jake reach his full potential… it was very rude of him to—”

“Shut mouth,” Damara demanded, taking a pencil from the nightstand and twisting it in her fingers like one would a cigarette, “No patience for self-indulgent crap.”

“Excuse you! That was very rude!” Aranea gaped at Damara, pushing back her hands and seeming to come back to herself, “I don’t belong in this room! I was going to save everyone! Not like the likes of all of you… going around brutishly smashing and killing and slinging profanity like candy!”

The lightbulb overhead them flickered, and then flickered again. Gamzee watched the shadows of the room dance high above their heads, their angles sharp and devilish.

 _THE SLUT TOLD YOU TO PIPE YOUR WHINY NINJA-BITCH ASS THE MOTHER FUCK DOWN, GODLESS HERETIC_. The dark telepathic words shook the very walls, and Aranea curled tight again, hands to her ears, trying to keep them out. Gamzee was nearly tempted to do the same.

“Enough.” Caliborn turned to Kurloz, and the flickering stopped. Gamzee’s shadow returned to its former mimicking status, depicting a hunched and wilted clown.

Mute once more, Kurloz smiled obediently at the cherub, still as a statue, and Gamzee had no doubts he would remain so until instructed otherwise. Perhaps he felt bad for apparently setting off Caliborn’s infamous temper? How could one tell with a mime?

“I hate to be the one, the one who says the whiny bitch ass shit,” Caliborn spoke, and Gamzee was weirded out by how much power the young alien commanded, as everyone pulled away from themselves to listen, “but we are all in the same boat. Or room. Whatever. You know the figure of speech. If we want freedom, we must work as one. I will be the leader, obviously.”

The spell was broken when Damara gave a cruel laugh. “When voice changes,” she replied, “Then I listen. Not until that.”

“Well, I didn’t need the whore’s permission anyway,” Caliborn spat back.

Damara rolled her eyes and turned to the side, gnawing at the sharpened end of the pencil. She twirled it once. “You just child. Child with god power. But still child.” However, she spoke too low, Gamzee wasn’t sure if Caliborn had heard her. She didn’t seem to care one way or the other, biting back down on her cigarette stand-in. 

“Any other dumbass objections?” Caliborn glared around the room, but Aranea had sunk back into her own depression, and Kurloz hadn’t even twitched.

Even if Gamzee objected, what good would have that done? Who else would have been a leader in Caliborn’s place? Kurloz would reject the job, Damara didn’t do teamwork, and Aranea hated them all. And as for Gamzee… well, he was still trying to figure out who he was. He could still remember how it felt to have Terezi’s jaw crack under his fist, though he couldn’t quite remember why he had acted in such a manner. So he kept his mouth shut.

\--

Prison life was remarkably unremarkable. Gamzee spent most of it on his back, searching his memories. Most of them were a blur, as though they had been merely a dream. The longer he tried to focus on the specifics, the more details slipped away from him. 

He began to fear that if he dwelled over it too long, he would lose all his memories.

Caliborn and Kurloz were huddle together at Gamzee’s feet, talking over escape plans. If Kurloz was contributing to the conversation, Gamzee couldn’t tell, nor care. Each idea Caliborn suggested sounded less likely than the last. He was, Gamzee began to realize, really just a child.

Why then, Gamzee wondered, had he worshipped him so? Gamzee considered the very real possibility that he was still asleep, but even the most painful of pinches failed to wake him.

A knock at the door was the first real excitement of the day since Gamzee had his sick spell.

“Hey, it’s me, John.” 

Caliborn stood up quickly, apparently thrilling at the opportunity to assert his dominance. “Hello, John human. State your business. And then, perhaps we can talk. And reach a compromise.”

“This isn’t about you.” John paused, and then asked, “How’s Gamzee been?”

“Fine, watered and fine,” Caliborn brushed that topic off quickly. “I speak for the group. Whatever this pertains to, I am included. Tell us your stupid terms, and we will debate until we are given our freedom.”

John’s laughter caught the cherub off guard. “I’m not letting you leave this room, you stupid little shit. You terrorized our session. You will be lucky if you’re allowed to live.” Letting that sink in, John’s voice went serious once more. “I’m going to slip a phone under the door. This is for Gamzee. Karkat has an important message for him. Gamzee, put your fingers under the door. No one else is allowed to touch it. Once you’re done, you have to give it back immediately.”

Karkat. The name ripped down Gamzee’s spine, had him to his feet and scurrying to the door, unheeding of Caliborn’s protests.

Karkat. Karkat. He who had tamed the beast in Gamzee once. He could do it again.

The hope fueling Gamzee forced back his breath, and it took him a moment to remember how to inhale. He did as John instructed, timidly prodding one finger, and then the rest, under the door.

Pain sliced through Gamzee’s finger, and he pulled back, yelping embarrassingly high in his surprise. He clutched his hand to his chest, and noticed that the scratch on the pad of his finger was that: a mere scratch. Nothing to be scared of.

“Purple blood, okay,” John replied, tapping the door, “I guess that makes you Gamzee. Kurloz can't scream like that, I don't think. Okay, come here again, take it.”

Gamzee saw the silver color of what have must have been the phone, and again he reached for it without thinking, without even realizing he was reacting. Karkat was on that phone, his Karkat, his moirail. Karkat would sort this mess out in his head. If no one else could, his miracle brother could.

It was all Gamzee could cling to.

The metal was cool and refreshingly familiar in his palm, but John gripped his hand before he could pull back. “It’s on speakerphone. Don’t move. Keep your other hand under the door where I can see it. Don’t turn speakerphone off. Understood?”

Shamed, Gamzee bowed his head, though John couldn’t see it. “Yeah, I understand,” he whispered.

KARKAT: GAMZEE?

The voice crackling through the phone was so painfully familiar, like home, that Gamzee felt his eyes prickle painfully. He gave John his other hand, kept the phone cradled close to his chest. He didn’t care if he had to have this personal conversation before the entire world. He had missed his pale lover, missed the way he put the entire world in a light that made perfect sense, missed his sharp words concealing his genuine concern, his soft fiery eyes, everything from his nubby horns to the entire stretch of his beautiful soul.

GAMZEE: KaRkAt  
GAMZEE: BrOtHeR  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, I AM GIVING YOU ONE FINAL AS FUCK OPPROTUNITY HERE.  
KARKAT: FOREGO ALL YOUR USUAL WHIMSICAL CLOWN CLUCKBEASTFOOLERY.  
KARKAT: GIVE ME ONE REASON  
KARKAT: ONE GOLDEN ASS REASON  
KARKAT: TO GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE.  
GAMZEE: KaRkAt...  
GAMZEE: MoThEr fUcK  
GAMZEE: WhAt dId i Do  
KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU DO  
KARKAT: ARE YOU ***FUCKING*** KIDDING ME??  
KARKAT: ARE YOU ACTUALLY PULLING THIS DAMN JOKE ON ME?  
KARKAT: I CAN’T  
KARKAT: I JUST CAN’T  
KARKAT: WHAT ABSOLUTE WET SOGGY HORSESHIT  
GAMZEE: KaRkAt pLeAsE.  
GAMZEE: DoN'T Go.  
KARKAT: DON’T.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE EXACTLY *NO* RIGHT TO KARKAT PLEASE ME  
KARKAT: IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?  
KARKAT: IS THAT MOTHER FUCKING UNDERSTOOD?  
GAMZEE: UnDeRsToOd  
GAMZEE: So uNdErStOoD...  
GAMZEE: KaRkAt  
GAMZEE: AbOuT TeReZi  
GAMZEE: I DoN'T EvEn  
GAMZEE: Is sHe oKaY?  
KARKAT: YOU MEAN  
KARKAT: AFTER YOU BEAT HER WITHIN AN INCH OF HER LAST GOD FUCKING DAMN BREATH?  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW?  
GAMZEE: Oh gOd...  
GAMZEE: Oh gOd...  
GAMZEE: ThAt rEaLlY HaPpEnEd.  
KARKAT: OF FUCKING COURSE IT REALLY  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?  
KARKAT: AND OTHERWISE  
KARKAT: YOUR VOICE…  
GAMZEE: My vOiCe?  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT DOING THAT CREEPY ASS BIPOLAR THING.  
KARKAT: WITH THE SCREAMING AND WHISPERING AND THEN SCREAMING AGAIN.  
GAMZEE: Oh, I GuEsS YoU'Re rIgHt.  
GAMZEE: WeLl, MoThErFuCk. ThIs jUsT Is fEeLiNg mOrE NaTuRaL To tHiS SoRrY As sHiT ClOwN.  
GAMZEE: EmPhAsIs oN ThE SoRrY.  
GAMZEE: DoN'T KnOw iF It mEaNs jAcK SqUaT To mY PaLe bRoThEr bUt...  
GAMZEE: I Am sOrRy.  
KARKAT: DUDE  
KARKAT: DO YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO BUY THIS SHIT??  
KARKAT: THINK YOU’RE REAL FUCKING FUNNY, DON’T YOU?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD ACTUALLY  
KARKAT: LOOK, IT’S OVER, I GOT THAT.  
KARKAT: DON’T ASSUME I HAVE ANY PITY LEFT IN MY PAN FOR YOUR SORRY ASS  
KARKAT: EMPHASIS ON THE SORRY.  
GAMZEE: I Uh  
GAMZEE: I AiN'T FoLlOwInG ThIs lInE Of uH  
GAMZEE: WaIt.  
GAMZEE: DiD YoU... dId yOu bReAk uP WiTh mE?

For a suspenseful moment, Gamzee was sure he was going to throw up again, but he bit the bile back, willed his heart to begin beating again. Karkat had every right to dump his piece of shit clown ass. Every right in the world. Gamzee shouldn’t have been surprised.

KARKAT: DID I  
KARKAT: WAIT YOU’RE SERIOUS, AREN’T YOU?  
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT REMEMBER BREAKING OFF OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE?  
GAMZEE: I...  
GAMZEE: I DiD MoThErFuCkIn WHAT nOw???  
KARKAT: YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T NEED ME ANY MORE, REMEMBER?  
KARKAT: YOU HAD YOUR RAGE ALL SORTED OUT, YOU SAID.  
KARKAT: LOAD OF BULL, IT TURNED OUT TO BE, BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  
KARKAT: CAN’T HELP A BASTARD WHO TURNS YOU DOWN AND RIPS YOUR BLOOD PULSER AT EVERY DAMN CORNER NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU REACH OUT—  
GAMZEE: BrOtHeR  
GAMZEE: KaRkAt nO.  
GAMZEE: I NeVeR EvEr  
GAMZEE: I WoUlD HaVe nEvEr  
GAMZEE: I CaN'T EvEn  
GAMZEE: WhEn dId tHiS HaPpEn??  
GAMZEE: WhEn tHe mOtHeR FuCk dId tHeSe bLaSpHeMoUs wOrDs sPoUt fRoM My uNfAiThFuL MoUtH???  
GAMZEE: TeLl mE!  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO  
GAMZEE: I LOVE YOU  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
GAMZEE: I DiDn't mEaN ThAt iN A ShOuTy iNsAnE WaY.  
GAMZEE: JuSt  
GAMZEE: In a sErIoUs wAy.  
GAMZEE: KaRkAt  
GAMZEE: I LoVe yOu  
GAMZEE: I'Ve lOvEd yOu fOr  
GAMZEE: ShIt.  
GAMZEE: LoNgEr tHaN My tHiNk sPoNgE HaS A CaPaBiLiTy tO Be rEeLiNg bAcK TiMe tO.  
GAMZEE: I'D NeVeR TeLl yOu i dIdN'T NeEd yOu.  
GAMZEE: I NeEd yOu mOrE ThAn a tRoLl oUgHt tO.  
GAMZEE: ToO MoThEr fUcKiN MuCh, I ThInK.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE…

“That was me.”

Gamzee sat back, stunned, pulled from his own little world of doubt and pain. He stared at Aranea, who was standing up and walking over. She shivered, as if she was truly afraid. She knelt down next to Gamzee, and motioned to the phone. “May I?”

Unsure of what else to do, of what to say, Gamzee merely nodded.

ARANEA: Karkat, this is me, Aranea.  
ARANEA: Do you remem8er... when Gamzee went silent?  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT WAS *YOU*?  
ARANEA: Please, just hear me out for a moment.  
ARANEA: I needed to save the session. Or, doom it, rather, in order to stop Cali8orn from 8ecoming Lord English.  
ARANEA: I needed all the information on Cali8orn as possi8le.  
ARANEA: To accomplish this, I needed a man on the inside.  
KARKAT: YOU…  
ARANEA: Cali8orn demanded Gamzee's a8solute, unwavering attention and loyalty.  
ARANEA: You have to understand, the decision I made wasn't easy. I never wanted to stoop so low, 8ut responsi8ility demanded it. If there had 8een any other way, I would have settled for it.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU KIDDING ME  
ARANEA: Gamzee was my 8est chance to get the information I needed on cheru8 lore. How could I have found Calliope without it?  
ARANEA: Knowledge is the most powerful weapon in all of paradox space.  
KARKAT: SO WHEN GAMZEE TURNED INTO A PIOUS, SMUG MIME…  
KARKAT: WITH NOTHING TO SAY EXCEPT SPEW BULLCRAP ABOUT SHANGRI-LA AND HOW HE HAD FOUND HIS CALLING…  
ARANEA: Not all of that was me, I don't 8elieve.  
ARANEA: I merely... persuaded Gamzee towards certain paths. Paths that were 8eneficial to all of us, in the long run. I had a plan, and I would have saved everyone.  
KARKAT: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR BACKWARDS PLOTS OR HOW THEY FAILED OR THE WORDS YOU USE MERELY TO EASE YOUR OWN FUCKING TOWER OF WELL DESERVED SPIDERBITCH GUILT.  
KARKAT: TELL ME  
KARKAT: ABOUT  
KARKAT: MY FUCKING  
KARKAT: *MOIRAIL*  
GAMZEE: MoIrAiL...?  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: SERKET GIRL, WANNABE MINDFANG, I FORGOT YOUR NAME  
KARKAT: TELL ME ABOUT GAMZEE.  
ARANEA: Gamzee was given a choice. To choose 8etween Cali8orn and you. I could not risk allowing him to choose, in the chase that he chose you.  
ARANEA: It had to 8e genuine. I couldn't leave anything up to chance. This, the fate of the universe, was far too important to put in the hands of lady luck.  
KARKAT: IN…  
KARKAT: *PERSUADING* GAMZEE LIKE YOU DID.  
KARKAT: WOULD HE REMEMBER   
KARKAT: BREAKING IT OFF WITH ME?  
ARANEA: Well...  
ARANEA: Depending on how strong the manipul8er is...  
ARANEA: Sometimes the pawn remem8ers 8its and pieces, which they can piece together. It also has a lot to do with the length of time in which they were under control.  
KARKAT: AND HOW LONG WAS GAMZEE UNDER YOUR CONTROL?  
ARANEA: I 8elieve that I added Gamzee into the equation... sometime 8etween the first time our dream 8u88le visited your meteor, and the time of your departure into the new session.  
KARKAT: UNTIL…?  
ARANEA: I unfortunately let my control slip during my 8attle with Ghost 8rain Dirk.  
ARANEA: That was when Gamzee 8egan 8eating on Terezi.  
ARANEA: That was a8solutely not my doing. I would never stoop to such mindless violence. There are always more civilized options availa8le, and 8esides, what would I have gained from Terezi 8eing dead? I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to spar with her in our glorious reenactment of the climactic scene of Mindfang's 8attle of wits with Neophyte Redglare.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS…  
KARKAT: THAT WAS UP TO A *YEAR*.  
ARANEA: Though Gamzee did do quite a 8it of time traveling during that time, with the help of Damara's music box time machines.  
KARKAT: SO YOU’RE SAYING  
KARKAT: GAMZEE PROBABLY REMEMBERS *JACK SHIT* ABOUT THAT ENTIRE YEAR.  
ARANEA: That might explain the constant state of confusion he appeared to 8e in ever since he awoke a few hours 8ack.  
KARKAT: OH, IT *MIGHT*?  
ARANEA: I still haven’t a clue why he attacked Terezi, however. I’m sorry I can’t 8e much of a help on that matter.  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK  
KARKAT: MAYBE  
KARKAT: HE FLIPPED HIS GODDAMN MARBLES BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN WITHOUT PACIFICATION FOR THE PAST YEAR OR MORE  
KARKAT: AND BEING THE OVERDRAMATIC RAGEASS CLOWN THAT HE IS  
KARKAT: FOUND HIMSELF IN AN UNSTABLE SITUATION AND WITHOUT ANY SORT OF CONSTANT STABILIZATION FOR ALL THAT TIME  
KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION ALL THAT TIME HE DOESN’T EVEN *REMEMBER*  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK  
KARKAT: JUST MAYBE  
KARKAT: THOSE COULD BE SOME CAUSES?  
ARANEA: Well, how was I supposed to know he was unsta8le?  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: DO YOU MEAN  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T KNOW ABSOLUTEY EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT EVERYTHING?  
KARKAT: WHAT A SHOCKER.  
GAMZEE: GuYs…  
KARKAT: WHAT  
GAMZEE: cAn We FiGuRe OuT tHe NiTtY mOtHeRfUcKiN gRiTtY dEtaIlS lAtEr?  
GAMZEE: I mEaN  
GAMZEE: cAn We Be PaLeBrOs AgAiN…  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: YEAH, JUST.  
KARKAT: FUCK, GAMZEE.  
KARKAT: IF I KNEW.  
GAMZEE: ‘S uNdErStAnDaBlE aNd ShIt…  
GAMZEE: BuT cAn We  
GAMZEE: CaLl OuRsElVeS a QuAdRaNt AgAin?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: DIAMONDS AND SNOWFLAKES AND POWDERED SUGAR AND ALL THAT PALE SHIT.  
KARKAT: LOOK.   
KARKAT: I NEED TO TALK WITH THE OTHERS.  
KARKAT: SQUARE ALL THIS SHIT OUT.  
KARKAT: MAKE SURE YOUR STORY CAN BE BACKED UP BY LIKE  
KARKAT: ALL THE PROPER EVIDENCE AND SHIT LIKE THAT.  
GAMZEE: kArKaT  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
GAMZEE: I lOvE yOu.  
GAMZEE: i LoVe YoU.  
GAMZEE: I lOvE yOu So MuCh.  
KARKAT: DITTO, YOU POLKA’D ASS FREAK.  
KARKAT: JUST…  
KARKAT: LET ME SORT THIS OUT.  
KARKAT: THEN WE CAN TALK AGAIN. IN PRIVATE.  
KARKAT: SOUND LIKE A PLAN?  
GAMZEE: YeAh.  
GAMZEE: SoUnDs LiKe ThE bEsT bItChTiTs IdEa ThIs ClOwN rEmEmBeRs In FoReVeR.  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: TALK TO YOU SOON.  
GAMZEE: lOvE yOu.  
KARKAT: LOVE YOU TOO.  
KARKAT: OH, AND ARANEA?  
ARANEA: Uh, yeah?  
KARKAT: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

The phone went dead with a click, and almost immediately Gamzee wanted to press the redial button, wanted to hear Karkat’s voice again. But he held himself back, and glanced over at Aranea. She wouldn’t meet his gaze. Which was good. He really wanted to punch her.

But then again, he had punched enough people for one lifetime, he was sure.

“Gamzee, the phone.”

Shifting, Gamzee returned the phone to John gently, ears still ringing with the static and the words his palebrother had spoken. Karkat loved him. Karkat _loved_ him. It was all Gamzee needed right now. Everything else, he was sure, could be sorted out at a later time and place. His soulmate loved him, and Gamzee was floating on a cloud of diamonds.


	3. Chapter 3

\--ectoBiologist [EB] has opened memo on board THESE GUYS ARE DRIVING ME UP THE WALL--  
EB: okay let’s try this again, now that most of us are awake.  
EB: since there probably will be more people replying and all that, let’s try to keep the commentary to a minimum to avoid clutter.   
EB: we need some sort of solution.  
EB: like, right now.  
EB: they’ve been banging around upstairs for hours. i’m fairly sure they’ve broken everything we own that’s in that room.  
EB: my dad is about to bake them a cyanide cake.  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo--  
TG and thats a bad thing because  
\--gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo--  
GG: dave!! D:TG whoa thats a good point  
TG and also disturbingly macabre coming from you  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: Seeing as the game has ended, and we have crossed a sort of paradox universe threshold into a brand new world, all slates should be wiped clean.  
EB: wait you mean.  
EB: you want us to just forgive them?  
TT: Forgiveness is a personal choice, but I don’t believe we should punish them for what they have done in the game. There are many in our number who have taken regrettable courses of action, which they believed beneficial at the time.   
TT: Let’s be honest. The game fucked with the best of us.  
TT: It pinned us against each other for its own twisted gain, feasting like a rainbow drinker from the chaos that was bred from our disconnection.   
TT: We were all lied to, manipulated, some of us even possessed or mind-controlled. Lord English wanted us too wrapped up in our own grudges and cycle of revenge to bide himself time. He was the Lord of Time for a reason, after all. And we gave it to him.  
TT: There is no longer a pressing need for time.  
TT: With our new abundance of time, let us tend to our wounds, both seen and unseen. We have all caused one another pain.   
TT: On that note, I wanted to just say  
TT: I am sorry, my friends. I am sorry for all the pain I may have caused you, while under the influences of the dark gods, or my own demons.  
EB: rose  
TG oh shit  
GG: im sorry too guys!!!  
GG: D: D:  
GG: i dont remember everything i did when i went grimbark but  
GG: even though i didnt mean a word of all the nasty stuff i must have said to you  
GG: im really really really sorry!!!!!  
EB: it wasn’t your fault, jade!  
GG: i knooooooooow  
GG: but that somehow doesn’t make me feel any better :(  
TT: What I did was my fault, and I take full responsibility. Jade, you had no free will, although you are allowed to feel all the guilt you want, I don’t believe you hold any of the blame.  
TG well shit  
TG im sorry too  
EB: dave? you too?  
TG rose i should have been there for you when you started drinking  
TG i just didnt know how to help you so i just moped around stewing in my own personal bs never reaching out or being the brother or friend i should have been  
TG like we were all going through some roughass shit  
TG but instead of all dividing and sucking our thumbs in our own shadowed corners of the meteor we should have been helping each other out back into a healthy emotional state  
TG you really needed help and i just  
TG spent my time making up raps that kept getting lamer and lamer  
TG i guess i just  
TG im fucking sorry  
TG so fucking sorry  
TT: No, you couldn’t have helped me, Dave. I was too far down the rabbit hole. I put myself there.  
TG i could have tried  
TT: And if you had, would you feel any less guilt over it?  
TG i dunno  
TG maybe  
TG its hard to tell because i didnt because im a fail friend  
GG: dave youre not though!!!  
TT: Jade is right, Dave. I had a problem, and I had to hit rock bottom myself in order to see it, and help myself. It is not your responsibility to make sure I take care of myself.  
EB: that was sort of my responsibility, though.  
TG john man not you too  
EB: i was supposed to be the leader.  
TG hahaha we should stop okay its niagara falls center here on face a la strider and it aint getting any drier  
TT: I thought you didn’t cry, Dave.  
TG guess we all learn something new today  
TG shut up  
TG everyone just shut up  
TG if anyone asks it didnt happen  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo--  
GC: D4V3 YOU KNOW TH1S 1S 4 PUBL1C M3MO R1GHT??  
TG terezi  
GC: NO TH1S 1S BUBBL3BUTT GUMPHRY  
GC: OF COURS3 1M T3R3Z1 YOU GOOF  
TG so how are you doing  
GC: OK4Y 1 GU3SS  
GC: SO YOU H4V3 G4MZ33 4ND 4R4N34 4ND TH3 OTH3RS LOCK3D UP  
EB: yeah i do.  
TG got any ideas for how were gonna punish them tz  
TG how would this be handled back on alternia  
GC: TH3YD B3 HUNG OBV1OUSLY  
GG: guys i thought we all agreed to no killing  
GC: J4D3 1S R1GHT THOUGH W3 4R3 ON 4 N3W PL4N3T SO W3 N33D TO R3SP3CT 1TS L4WS  
GC: WH4T DO3S HUM4N L4W S4Y 4BOUT TH3M  
TG well idk cross universal terrorism isnt really a problem here  
GC: D4V3 HOW ON 34RTH DO YOU NOT H4V3 TH3 STR1CT3ST OF L4WS 4G41NST CROSS UN1V3RS4L T3RROR1SM  
GC: 1T 1S TH3 MOST S3R1OUS OF 4LL CR1M3S TH3R3 4R3  
TT: I’m fairly sure it is because humans believe that we are the center of the universe, and that no intelligent life exists outside of us.  
GC: D4MN  
GC: 1 C4NT D3C1D3 1F TH4TS HORR3NDOUSLY 1D1OT1C OR FUCK1NG B4D4SS  
TG go for both  
TG we are humankind horrendously idiotic and fucking badass  
TG hear us roar  
TG and then deny your existence  
EB: guys, i thought i said we weren’t supposed to get off track.  
TG oh dude youre back from your i failed as a leader mental breakdown already  
EB: i didn’t have a breakdown.  
TG dont even deny either okay we all know you were pacing around your room yelling at yourself in an over dramatic fashion  
\--gutsyGumshoe [GG2] responded to memo--  
GG2: He did, in fact, have a breakdown. I had to call dad in to get him to respond to me. He was causing such a commotion, it was rabbling our rabblesome guests more than usual.  
GG2: They’re giving me quite the throbbing pain in my noggin.  
TT: Glad you could join us, Jane.  
GG: hi jane!!!  
GG2: Hello, Jade. Hello, Rose. :B  
EB: thanks, jane.  
TG see i totally called that shit  
TG but its cool  
TG as long as you know thats all bull because youre a fucking a plus fantastic friendleader  
GG: yeah john you really were!!  
GG: i dont think we would have made it this far without you  
TT: Indeed. Your leadership, and perhaps more importantly, your friendship, is evident in the fact that we stand here triumphant. Like I said to Jade, you may feel all the guilt you please, but no blame falls on you. Not in my opinion, at least.  
TG nor in mine  
TG okay so were all cool john was a great leader no questions asked  
TG back to what were going to do about these cross universal terrorists  
GG2: Are we quite sure that terrorist is the correct term? On Caliborn’s account, of course, I can absolutely see that. He did grow up to be Lord English, after all. But I still don’t understand what the others had done, exactly. I know the blue troll killed Jade. She did that of her own free will, yes?  
CG: Y34H, 1 DONT TH1NK ON3 C4N 4CTU4LLY M4N1PUL4T3 4 S3RK3T  
CG: TH3YR3 MOR3 OF TH3 M4N1PUL4TOR  
GG2: Ahhh, I see. And as for the unnerving clown fellow… He is quite the odd one, isn’t he?  
GC: G4MZ33 N34RLY MURD3R3D M3  
GG2: Oh, my apologizes.  
GG2: I don’t mean to be rude, but… didn’t he land the finishing blow on Lord English?  
EB: ummmmmmmm, this is where it gets complicated.  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo--  
CG: JOHN’S RIGHT. THIS IS A COMPLEX AS FUCK SITUATION AND I’M HANDLING IT THE BEST THAT I CAN RIGHT NOW.  
CG: I TALKED WITH GAMZEE, TRIED TO FIGURE OUT HIS PART OF THE STORY.  
EB: oh karkat!  
EB: yeah, why don’t you tell everyone what you found out?  
CG: ARANEA, THE BLUE TROLL, USED HER MIND CONTROL POWERS TO TURN GAMZEE INTO HER GODDAMN FUCKING PUPPET FOR UP TO A YEAR.  
CG: HE HARDLY REMEMBERS ANYTHING SINCE HE WAS RELEASED FROM HER CONTROL.  
TG dude are you trying to say that spiderbitch senior got gamzee to beat terezi up  
CG: NOT EXACTLY.  
CG: THAT’S WHEN SHE LOST CONTROL OF HIM.  
CG: AND GAMZEE, WITHOUT ANY SORT OF PACIFICATION FOR THE PAST YEAR, HAVING BEEN MANIPULATED TO BREAK UP OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE, SORT OF… SNAPPED.  
TG snapped  
TG more like almost snapped tzs neck like seriously that aint no excuse  
CG: DAVE, GAMZEE IS A HIGHBLOOD! HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER HIM.  
TG gamzee is fucking responsible for his own actions like when he decides to slap his hate girlfriend from one side of the planet to the other  
CG: GAMZEE CAN’T CONTROL HIS OWN FUCKING ACTIONS!  
TG like shit he cant  
CG: HE CAN’T! I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT HE HAS A PROBLEM. IT’S LIKE ROSE WHEN SHE WENT ALL HORRORTERROR DARK SPELLCASTER OR WHATEVER. ARE YOU TELLING ME SHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR *HER* ACTIONS DURING THAT TIME?  
TG that was goddamn black fucking magic ok who the shit knows how that stuff works  
TG whats gamzees excuse  
CG: IT’S A HIGHBLOOD THING, I TOLD YOU.  
TG that sounds like the lamest excuse ever like wow im sorry im such a monster i have purple blood this sort of thing just sort of happens sometimes  
TG just hanging out with my pale man in a pile of horns but oh whoops flip time gotta slay me a bitch  
CG: THE REAL GAMZEE IS STILL THERE, SOMEWHERE!  
CG: I TALKED TO HIM THE OTHER DAY. I KNOW HE’S THERE.  
TG no you know what is shitty is when youre talking about trying to erase gamzees actions while the girl he abused is actually reading this memo  
GC: GUYS SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: TEREZI? SHIT, I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK  
TG are you serious  
GC: 1 S41D 3V3RYON3 JUST N33DS TO SHUT UP R1GHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GC: …  
GC: GOOD  
GC: K4RK4T YOU KNOW TH4T G4MZ33 1S C4P4BL3 OF LY1NG R1GHT  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW.  
CG: BUT I DON’T THINK HE IS. HE WASN’T DOING THAT THING WITH HIS VOICE.  
TG what thing  
GC: OH TH4T TH1NG  
GC: 1 M34N TH3R3 W4S MOM3NT WH3R3 1 H34RD 1T TOO  
TG seriously what thing  
GC: D4V3 SHUT UP FOR 4 S3C  
TG fine fine im staying outta this  
GC: TH4NK YOU  
GC: BUT TH3N 4FT3R G4MZ33 D1DNT DO TH3 VO1C3 TH1NG H3 JUST TOOK 4DV4NT4G3 OF MY MOM3NT OF W34KN3SS TO KNOCK MY F4NGS OUT  
CG: HE DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER DOING THAT, THOUGH.  
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW H3 1SNT LY1NG TO YOU  
CG: I…  
CG: I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING HE ISN’T.  
TG a feeling  
CG: YES STRIDER, I AM ALL TOO AWARE OF HOW ROMCOM MOVIE CLICHÉ THAT SOUNDED. I THOUGHT YOU WERE STAYING OUT OF THIS, ANYWAY.  
TG lips zipped tight key thrown to the side  
GC: DO YOU F33L L1K3 H3 1S T3LL1NG TH3 TRUTH OR DO YOU W4NT H1M TO B3 T3LL1NG TH3 TRUTH  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: BOTH. CAN BOTH BE MY ANSWER?  
CG: I MEAN, MOCKING YOU FOR BEING BLIND IN ORDER TO TRY TO MAKE YOU STRONGER?   
GC: TH4T 1S 4 SUSP1C1OUSLY S3RK3T MOV3  
GC: 1T ST1LL HURT THOUGH  
CG: WELL, OF COURSE IT HURT.  
CG: I DIDN’T MEAN.  
GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO  
CG: OH NO, SHIT TEREZI. I DIDN’T MEAN  
CG: GOD, I’M NOT SAYING WHAT HE DID WAS RIGHT.  
GC: NO NO 1 KNOW  
GC: 1 JUST N33D T1M3 TO TH1NK 1 GU3SS  
CG: I’M SO SORRY, TEREZI.  
GC: 3V3RYON3 1S SORRY TOD4Y  
GC: 1M SORRY TOO  
CG: I’M SO, SO SORRY, TEREZI.  
GC: 1TS OK4Y  
GC: 1LL M3SS4G3 YOU L4T3R GUYS  
TT: Talk to you later, Terezi. Take some time to spoil yourself. May I suggest asking Dave how to make some hot chocolate or some tea?  
GC: Y34H TH4NKS  
GC: BY3  
\--gallowsCalibrator [terezi] ceased responding to memo--  
CG: I’M THE GROSSEST PUTRID PUS BLOATED CYST ON THE HAIRIEST, DIRTIEST ASSHOLE TO EVER EXIST.  
TT: Karkat, please do calm your hysterics.  
TT: This is an emotional time for all of us, and I’m sure Terezi bears no ill will against you. If you need some time alone for a moment, we will understand, but do refrain from filling up this memo with your blocky all-caps gray text, as endearing as it is.  
TG dude look i know were bros but that was kind of crossing a line you know  
CG: NO, I KNOW. FUCK, I’M SO SORRY.  
TT: All Karkat was doing was disclosing his findings from his conversation with Gamzee. I understand that a lot of us have emotional ties to this very controversial topic, but allowing it to tear us apart after everything we’ve been through is extremely counterproductive.  
TT: As Terezi said, we are all very sorry today.  
TT: Now is the time to begin anew. Let’s not start building grudges so early in this fresh new start of ours.  
GG2: I’m with Rose. Even if that clown gave me the worst of goosebumps all the way down to my socks, it doesn’t mean he can’t be genuinely a good person. Although, I’m a bit unclear on this highblood notion of yours. Isn’t Meenah higher than Gamzee? Should we find her a form of pacification in case she decides she wants to harm someone by some strange fancy?  
EB: oh man, that’s a good point.  
EB: karkat?  
CG: UMM I’M NOT SURE.  
\--arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo--  
AG: Excuuuuuuuuse all of you, 8ut Meenah has already hooked herself a pacifier!   
AG: Not that she really needs one, though.  
AG: She’s actually capa8le of controlling herself, as surprising as that may seem.  
\--condescendingClam [CC] responded to memo--  
CC: yo water you guys even glubbin aboat anywaves  
CG: WHOA WHOA HOLD THE FUCK UP.  
CG: YOU TWO  
CC: are swimmin the translucent seas of the fluffy diamonds an pearls quadrant yup its legit  
CC: all squared awave eel free to mark that shit down on your shippin wall shouty  
CG: THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I HAVE A SHIPPING WALL?  
CC: don’t even play buoy every fish knows its true  
CG: THAT’S A LIE.  
EB: remember the shipping wall you sent us, karkat?  
CG: THAT ONE DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING COUNT.  
EB: (hehehehe)  
CC: told ya’ll  
CC: ocray so whats the deal with this highblood clammer  
AG: I guess they think that Gamzee goes insane sometimes 8ecause he’s a high8lood.  
CG: NOT JUST A HIGHBLOOD.  
CG: HE’S A FUCKING PURPLEBLOOD, HE’S AS FUCKING HIGH AS THEY GET WITHOUT SPROUTING FINS.  
CG: NO OFFENSE, MEENAH.  
CC: why would i take offense fins are the shit  
CC: also why would gamz’s blood make him turn cray cray like that  
CC: is that normal on alternia  
CG: WAIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? DON’T TROLLS GET MORE VIOLENT THE HIGHER UP ON THE SPECTRUM THEY ARE?  
CC: ummm not on beforus shouty  
CC: highbloods are expected to care for the peasants   
CC: supposedly the higher you were the more matronly an carin you were  
CC: bunch of propaganda bullcarp a course but that’s what we were alwaves told  
CC: that way it made sense for them to be doin all the cullin  
CG: OH.  
CG: I FORGOT EVERYTHING WAS BACKWARDS ON YOUR PLANET.  
CC: do you honestly think cronus could hold his own in a fight like i have been a witnet to that before an let me shell you it isn’t somefin anyone should be subjected to  
TT: Well, that doesn’t make any sense.  
TT: Due to ectobiology, wouldn’t your DNA be the same as that of your alternate universe selves on Alternia? The tales of the ancestors I’ve heard suggest that they were very violent, especially the higher up on the spectrum they became.  
CG: WAIT, YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.  
CG: AND DUALSCAR WAS KNOWN FOR HIS MILITARY PROWESS AND BRUTALITY.  
AG: Couldn’t tell a joke to save his life, though.  
CC: oh fuckin damn gurl that was the sickest pun ive heard in a long time  
CC: this is exactly why we’re shellmates  
AG: :::;)  
AG: Pale for you too, Peixes.  
EB: i don’t even remember the last point in which this memo was on topic.  
CC: oh right sorry  
CC: ocray you can have center stage again blue pajama buoy  
CG: BUT WAIT.  
CG: IF BEING VIOLENT ISN’T A BIOLOGICAL THING FOR HIGHBLOODS, THEN…  
CG: HOW COME *ALL* OUR HIGHBLOODS WENT BATSHIT BONKERS?  
EB: and the ever elusive topic escapes its pursuer once more.  
AG: Look, I can only speak for myself, 8ut I know I did a lot of 8ad shit 8ecause that’s what I thought I was supposed to 8e doing, you know?  
AG: I was used to killing 8ecause I had to do it to feed my lusus, so I thought the same ease would apply to killing off the weak among my friends.  
CG: WOW, THAT’S THE MOST FUCKED UP SHIT I’VE EVER READ.  
AG: It made sense at the time, okay????????  
AG: All I ever wanted to do was to 8ecome a 8adass like Mindfang.  
AG: I mean, it was either that or get sl8ed for culling myself.  
CG: SO YOU’RE SAYING THAT OUR BRUTAL YET EFFICIENT SOCIETY OPPRESSED YOU INTO BACKSTABBING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE BACK?  
CG: OH WELL, EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW. LET’S ALL HOLD HANDS FOR A RIVETING ROUND OF RING AROUND THE FUCKING ROSY NOW THAT WE KNOW THE SPIDERBITCH ONLY KILLED PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT SOCIETY WANTED HER TO DO.  
AG: Oh, fuck off your high hoof8east.  
AG: It doesn’t m8ke what I did okay, alright????????   
AG: Nothing will make what I did okay, 8ut I’ve learned to forgive myself. I’ve spent sweeps in the afterlife 8e8ing myself up for it! Well, I’m officially done and over with that part of my life. I thought this was supposed to 8e a fresh new start for all of us. Or does that not apply to me for reasons that 8asically make no sense whatsoever?  
CC: fuckin amen to that pale sister  
CG: ALRIGHT, ENOUGH ALREADY. IT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN GAMZEE.  
AG: May8e he’s actually just a psychopath.  
CG: FUCK YOU!  
CG: YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO ACCUSE THAT OF ANYONE!  
TT: Alright, alright, that’s enough.  
TT: John is right; all these interruptions are getting silly. Unless you want us to find the two of you an auspistice, we really need to get down to business.  
TG to defeat the huns  
TT: Dave.  
TG im sorry it had to be done  
\--timaeusTestified [TT2] responded to memo--  
TT2: I’d like to say something, if it’s okay.  
EB: is it on topic?  
TT2: Yeah, it is.  
EB: (narrows eyes)  
TT2: I promise, bro. I just have a point to make. It’ll be quick, too.  
EB: okay, you may speak.  
TT2: I think we should also talk about potential, here. See, Caliborn did some nasty shit, I’m not going to argue that, but he didn’t actually get the chance to grow up to be Lord English.  
TT2: Meenah grew up to be the Condesce in one timeline but that doesn’t make her the Condesce.  
CC: the condesce was the shit tho  
TT2: Yeah she was, but irregardless.  
TT2: I was a shit guardian in Dave’s timeline. As Rose pointed out, we had the same exact DNA, but that doesn’t mean I’m proud of the type of man I became.  
TG dude no you were a kickass brother  
TT2: Yeah but man, I was supposed to be a father to you, too.  
TT2: So we have to ask ourselves, what did Caliborn, not Lord English, do?  
GG2: He killed poor Calliope. :(  
TT: Aren’t cherubs supposed to kill their siblings?  
TT2: That’s another point Rose brought up. The game was confusing, yeah? There was a whole lot of gray all around.  
TT2: (Obligatory 50 Shades of Gray joke inserted here.)  
TG (obligatory bro fist bump inserted here)  
TT2: (Dude.)  
TT2: Basically, Caliborn has the potential to become the sort of monster Lord English was, but at the same time, he has the potential to choose something else.  
TT2: I hate the little shit myself, but that’s the truth of the matter.  
TT2: And done.  
EB: that was both quick and on topic.  
EB: bravo.  
GG: everybody take notes from dirk!!  
EB: yes, good idea.  
TG that was deep man  
TG that got me right here  
TT2: For those of you who can’t see Dave, he’s pointing at his heart.  
TT: Thank you, Dirk.  
CC: so bassicially you’re saying you think the little piranha can change  
TG hey the magic of friendship is the strongest magic around  
TG 200 points for the mlp reference  
TT2: Up top, bro.  
TG fucking score  
TT: If only things could be solved so easily. I do have to admit they have a point, however.   
TT: As for Gamzee, seeing as his situation is unique, I might be able to figure out whether or not he’s lying. John, if you could set up a time for me to videochat with him, that would be most appreciative.  
EB: um i’m not sure i’m comfortable with that.  
CC: yo don’t worry your squishy head buoy i’ll watch over him an mako shore he don’t hurt anyone  
AG: And I’ll 8e there, too. I’ve 8een working on my manipul8tion powers. I could hold him down if he 8ecame too much of a pro8lem for Meenah.  
CG: DON’T YOU DARE HURT HIM.  
CC: he tries to lay a fin on vriska you bet i’ll put a hurt on him shouty  
CC: won’t krill the guy tho so no worries  
CG: UGH. FINE, I GUESS.  
EB: i guess, at this point, all we can really do is wait and see how things work out.  
TT: Indeed. Karkat, would you like me to pass on a message to Gamzee?  
CG: UH.  
CG: I GUESS JUST THAT… I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM?  
CG: OR THAT I WANT TO BELIEVE IN HIM, ANYWAY, THE FUCKING BASTARD.  
TT: How about I just tell him you love him and that you’re thinking of him?  
CG: THAT UH  
CG: THAT WORKS.  
TT: Wonderful. Also, someone should check on Terezi in an hour or so.  
TG i can do that no problem  
CG: TELL TEREZI I AM REALLY SORRY.  
TG sure thing  
CG: DAVE. WE’RE UH  
TG still friends  
TG yeah  
TG of course we are  
TG i know you got your soft spot for your clown boo okay i get it  
TG sometimes we continue to love someone even though its not the best thing for us  
TG even when they cant love us back  
TG or take that extra step for you  
TG but uh  
TG i do hope he was telling the truth for your sake  
CG: THANKS.  
EB: i think that concludes our latest memo!  
EB: thank you to everyone who contributed with helpful ideas and we’ll continue this another day. maybe tomorrow, i’m not sure yet.  
\--ectobiologist [eb] closed memo these guys are driving me up the wall--


	4. Chapter 4

On the computer screen, Rose shifted around, readjusting her own screen to center on her face and shoulders. Behind the computer, John kept one hand on the top, as if to keep it steady lest Gamzee get the sudden urge to topple it over.

“Hello, Gamzee. Hello, Meenah, Vriska.” Rose greeted them all with her ever so pleasant composure, “How are you enjoying your time on Earth so far?”

“It’s so boooring,” Vriska complained instantly, “They should rename the suburbs ‘snooseville’, because the former doesn’t quite prepare people for how deadly uneventful life is here. The movie selection isn’t that bad, I guess. Humans know how to make cool explosions.”

Meenah rolled her eyes, playfully swatting Vriska over the back of her head. “You got youshell an unhealthy flair for fireworks, babe.”

“Fireworks are fucking fantastic, and so are explosions,” Vriska teased back, “Fireworks and explosions are basically the recipe for any awesome piece of cinema ever made, so don’t hate if I have good taste. I am dating you, remember? Take it as a compliment, woman!”

From the screen, Rose laughed. “You two are sickeningly endearing with your flirtations.”

“Lalonde, I know for a fact you an your gillfrond mako kissy-faces an moon gooey eyes at each other like ten times a day so don’t even start that bullcarp with me,” Meenah retorted, “An like my pearlmate pointed out, ain’t much to do out here in the pleb land.”

“Hey, give us some of your vast amounts of wealth, and we can move someplace better,” John chimed in, “Oh, wait. That was left back in the game, wasn’t it?”

Vriska snickered, and Meenah scoffed, crossing her arms. “Being poor sucks ass, yo.”

Gamzee didn’t have to look back to know that Meenah was holding her trident in her hand, or see the way Vriska was oh so casually folding her arms so she could lean her head into her palm and make it seem inconspicuous. They were prepared to attack him at the slightest sense of danger, and for that reason, the clown kept himself stiff as he was capable of, and feared that his hands were shaking a little too hard.

There was a crackle of static as Rose readjusted her screen again, shifting back further from the camera so that more of her could be seen. “Well, now that an attempt at exchanging pleasantries has been made, let us move on to business.” She looked straight at Gamzee, and he felt himself shrink.

They were all so quiet now that the attention was on him. Gamzee closed his eyes for just a moment, tried to block off the conscious feeling that was growing in his gut. 

“Gamzee?”

Opening his eyes again, Gamzee met Rose’s gaze and bit his lip, not quite sure if he was allowed to speak yet, and not knowing what he was going to say. “I’m sorry,” he said at last. He wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. For brushing off her attempt to be their auspistice. For not confiding in her more when she was one of the only people on the meteor to reach out to him. For having her see what he did to Terezi right in front of her. He swallowed, hard. “For everything.”

“Karkat tells me you don’t remember a lot of what happened,” Rose replied, curt and to the point. However, her eyes softened just a bit when she smiled. “Do you mind telling me what you do remember? Start with the beginning of the game, and work up from there, if you would.”

From the beginning of the game? Gamzee licked his dry lips and attempted to find a better position to sit in. His slouch was beginning to ache in his shoulders. 

“Yeah, sister, uh.” Gamzee scratched his knee, bringing his leg up to rest across the other one. He thought that would appear appropriately casual. Nothing that said, ‘I want to hurt somebody’. He was going to be a good boy. He hoped.

“To be spilling the truth, I don’t remember much from the game,” Gamzee finally began, searching back through his memories and finding the ones that stuck out to him, “I was still high as a mother fuckin’ kite all lazing ‘round in the clouds, y’know, I saw rainbows and shit everywhere. I remember playing tag-along with Karbro a whole lot, we were all strolling through his punch colored land, and we met Jack. Jack got all physical with Karkat, don’t quite remember why, but he bled a bit, and then there was some crying and shit, and Sollux also died at that point.” Gamzee gritted his fangs together and rubbed at the bridge of his nose, fighting back the fog in his brain. 

“I was a stupid dumb fuck, spewing shit about miracles,” Gamzee growled, remembering his words of comfort to Karkat, and feeling his face heat with shame. He couldn’t believe he had said something like that while Karkat was obviously in mourning. No wonder everyone had despised him. The sopor had made him a blathering, unempathetic moron.

Rose tapped her own computer screen, startling Gamzee out of his thoughts. His gaze focused on her, and she shrugged her shoulders. “I can’t actually pap you from over here, I hope that suffices.” She brushed her bangs to the side, readjusted her headband. “Gamzee, if you want, we may explore the entire sea of your turbulent emotions at a later date, perhaps during a three-way call with Terezi.” At Terezi’s mention, Gamzee visibly curled tighter into himself, and Rose dropped the subject. “For now, let us focus on the bare facts. We can put meaning to the facts later, once we have constructed a bigger and more accurate picture. Does that sound like a good plan?”

It did, and Gamzee gave a gentle nod of his head. “We won, and then shit went down, and we were on the meteor. None of us motherfuckers liked it much, but I got a pile set up, don’t know what for, to help them all settle down and chill, I guess. We found out about you humans, and then like, Tavbro got his legs sawed off, and…” Gamzee was sure he was butchering up the sequence of events, but this one stood out like a beacon. “Didn’t know about what the motherfuck to do. I started running out of sopor, and I kept… _thinking_ , y’know? Whenever I got to thinking too much, whenever motherfuckin’ shit got distressing, I got my slime to be drowning that shit down. But it was all gone, and I had a bunch of bad shit left in my pan, angry and buzzing for being ignored.”

“A desire to harm someone, perhaps?” Rose asked, leaning forward.

Gamzee glanced up, surprised. “No, no, not shit like that. Like… I got to thinking about how I was the last one of the faith left. And how if there was Messiahs and miracles, how…” He clenched his fists, pulled them closer to himself. “How could it be that my best brothers got stuck in such ass situations? Karkat with his blood, fuck, and Tavros with his legs. All of us, and the meteor. So I got it in my head, it was too loud, I have to get my shit sorted someplace. So I got myself the mother fuck out, not like any motherfucker would notice me not being there, none of those fuckers would get an ache on for my presence or nothing.”

Looking intrigued, Rose took a book from her side and opened it up. “Mind if I take some notes? This is very interesting, and I don’t want to miss anything.”

It was hard enough to lay this all out bare for everyone in the room to hear, but Gamzee shrugged, deciding that having Rose figure out what was wrong with him was more important than his self-esteem. “Go ahead, thorny-stemmed sister.”

Rose began to move her pen across the paper, nodding. “Alright, go on.”

“Well, my head was pounding like mother fuckin’ pistols going off, so I wasn’t real eager to be chatting with no body. But stuff got better, and I thought to do some trolling like Karkat wanted. I went for your brother, Dave. And he sent me this motherfuckin’… video.” Gamzee tried not to let his memories of that particular moment fill his mind. 

“The one from the Insane Clown Posse?” Rose asked, her voice cautious but curious.

Digging nails into his palms, Gamzee attempted to keep his outward appearance as neutral as possible. There was no reason to give anyone the impression that he would lash out. As angry as he was, remembering the blasphemy that Dave subjected him to, he felt no desire to hurt anyone. It was strange, but comforting enough that he didn’t question it. 

“Yeah, and I thought I was going to do shit about it, I had a plan, I guess, don’t mother fuckin’ know… and next thing I knew, Karkat was holding me, and I was all covered in blood, and…” Gamzee closed his eyes, trying to blot out the visuals.

“You mean, you have no memories of what happened between those two periods?” Rose asked, raising an eyebrow at Gamzee, “Nothing, whatsoever? Your head just went blank and you… woke up, so to speak, in Karkat’s arms?” Her tone had a decidedly dubious edge to it, “The last time we talked about this subject, you spoke of ‘not knowing why you had done it’.”

“Well.” Gamzee swallowed, shrinking under the glare he could feel John pointing at his head. “Yeah, I guess. If I think on it long enough, bits and parts come back. I remember finding Tavros, and he was… my brother was dead, all swimming with blood, and there was Lil Cal somewhere in that mess, and… shit sounds crazy, but I thought he was all talking to me, and I believed every word he spilled, or, er, I thought he did. Talking shit about the Messiahs, the true Messiahs, and how they would act through me, how I was their avatar, their chosen one… Scary as shit, but I sort of rolled with it. I don’t know why, everything he said made like perfect fucking sense back then. It’s… hard to be explaining, exactly.”

Rose nodded, listening along. Gamzee didn’t get the sense that she was judging him, and felt grateful for that. “I understand. That must have been distressing.”

“Didn’t feel like it, though,” Gamzee answered, shivering, “Thinking back, yeah, that puts wicked goosebumps all up my gangly bits, don’t even like to think on his voice… Shit was fucking spooky as fuck, got a sort of weird vibrating ring to it. But at the time, all I felt was fucking peace for having my Messiahs. And shit started going down. Bodies were all torn up, and I got my paint on with the walls.”

“Bodies were all torn up,” Rose repeated, leaning forward, “Why do you say it like that?

Gamzee scratched at his elbow, torn from his train of thought, and bit his lip, suspecting a trick question. “I got my grammar all mussed, it’s just how a motherfucker like me gets his talk on, you dig? Don’t know much about talking any other way. Seems every fucker has got his own language, and—”

“No, not like that.” Rose lifted her book, reading over her notes, before looking back up at Gamzee. “You said the bodies were torn up, but you didn’t specify who tore up the bodies. You avoided the responsibility of the action. Everything else you say, you specifically mention who is responsible for the action. _You_ found Tavros, _Dave_ sent you the video, _Karkat_ held you. But who tore up the bodies?”

Gamzee stared at Rose, a cold, slick feeling sliding through his gut. “Well, that must have been me,” he said, “I mean, I was all boasting about hurting folk. And no one else got their murder clown on. So I guess… I got the bodies all torn up.”

“You don’t sound very sure about that.” Rose rested her chin in her hand.

“I… I remember it. I remember having all that blood on my hands. Must’ve been me,” Gamzee reasoned, blinking, trying to figure out why he was so upset.

“Do you remember actually tearing the bodies apart?”

Closing his eyes, Gamzee tried to envision the scene, but all he felt was queasiness and a void in his head. “Nah,” he looked back up, “The sopor ate a bunch of my pan away, must’ve been one of the things I don’t really recall.”

“Wade, hold up there, Rose.” Meenah leaned over Gamzee’s shoulder, causing him to flinch to the side. “Are you finsinuatin’ that Gamz wasn’t the one who beheaded everyone?”

“No, as Gamzee mentioned, he did have the blood on _his_ hands. All evidence points to Gamzee being the desecrator. However, memories can be blocked by the body for various reasons. If he can’t actually recall the acts, it is probably because he is incapable of contemplating the horror of them. In other words, the state he was in while murdering Nepeta and Equius was different from the state he was in both before and afterwards. It’s just a theory, of course.” Rose spoke of her psychology with the type of confidence that Gamzee envied. That type of self-assurance was hard to come by these days.

“You thinkin’ he has like two perchsonalities or somefin like that?”

Gamzee began to fold tighter into himself. God, what if he did? What if he was insane, and there was a monster living inside of him? He felt a hand on his shoulder, and glanced over at Vriska, who immediately grimaced. “Don’t look at me, this is from Rose. She’s just itching to pap you, I can see it on her face.”

“Thank you, Vriska.” Rose cleared her throat, and smiled at Gamzee. “Please, do go on. You and Karkat had a nice moirallegiance, didn’t you? What was that like?”

This was firmer ground for Gamzee, and he smiled and leaned forward, a little too eager to gush about his time with his palemate on the meteor. “Damn, yeah! Fucking best bond of pale brothers there ever was. He got my rage all hushed whenever I needed it, stopped the voices.”

“Voices?” Rose cocked her head. “What voices?”

“Y’know, like Lil Cal, and some ones in my head, also. Whispering about what’s got to go down, about where to meet Kurloz, and shit.”

“Where to meet Kurloz?” 

Rose’s voice had hitched, and Gamzee drew back away from the computer, afraid he had said something wrong. “Yeah, like… I needed to be bringing Lil Cal to Caliborn, too raise him up right so he could be the Messiahs like he was all meant to. Except… like, it wasn’t a real nice plan, involving a lot of hurt all around. I wasn’t real keen on that shit, but the voices… they said things could be doing a downward spiral if I didn’t play the part. Shit could happen to everyone. Karkat could…”

“Gamzee, how did you know about Caliborn? Somebody must have told you.” Rose’s eyes were intent, searching Gamzee’s face.

“Lil Cal, I told you, sister.” Gamzee shrugged his shoulders. “Little fuck was right about a lot.”

Everything went silent, and Gamzee tried to make sense of everything in his head. Maybe it hadn’t been Lil Cal. After all, it was just a puppet. But it had also been a juju, too. Maybe it had… he wasn’t sure. His head began to ache thinking on it.

“Did Dirk bring Lil Cal back with him?” Rose asked, turning to look over Gamzee’s shoulder.

John looked over the computer to speak to Rose. “Shit, I don’t know. You stay here, I’m going to go give Dave a call.” He took his cell out, sprinting out of the room.

On the screen, Rose stood up. Gamzee could hear her calling to Calliope, beckoning her over.

“Yes, yes, how can I help you?” Calliope’s voice was ridiculously sweet, and Gamzee perked up instantly as soon as he heard it. He wasn’t quite sure how he recognized it; the last time they had met, she had been a baby, cooing and blathering grub talk. There was no mistaking it, though: she sounded like an angel.

“Calliope.” 

The small cherub turned to look at Gamzee the moment she was in view of the camera, then she pulled away, hiding her face. “Uhh, hi,” her green shoulder said.

“Hi yourself.” Gamzee bit down on his lower lip, suddenly nervous as much as he was excited. “Calliope, do you remember me?” He didn’t want to sound stupid and start on about how cute she was in the little codpiece he had fitted for her, but it was a bit difficult not to. 

There was a pause, and then Calliope came back into the shot, Rose taking her hand.

She had grown up so much, about the same size of her brother, even if she was still so young. Gamzee quickly studied every last one of her features, keeping a mental picture he could bring up later, if need be. She had been so small when he had left her, so tiny, and it had been so hard to let her go, to leave her and her brother fatherless. Gamzee’s heart panged, and he hated the distance between them. But he doubted she felt the same. He had abandoned her, as goatdad had him.

“You’re… Gamzee,” Calliope said, and Gamzee realized.

He remembered.

\--

“Trouble?”

Karkat watched as Jade got off her phone, perched at her kitchen counter, worried about the way her brow creased.

Looking over, the human girl let out a long breath. “I’m not sure what to think,” she admitted, “They want Dirk to lock Lil Cal away, you know, his creepy puppet. Apparently it’s been talking to Gamzee, or something, and they think it might be alive.”

Karkat tensed instantly. The puppet… of course. “Shit,” Karkat said, standing up, looking feverishly at open air, “That’s it! The fucking puppet… he told me it talked to him, but… well, I would just shoosh him, fuck, I can’t believe what a bumbling moron palemate I was!” He paused, and then glanced over at Jade, raising an eyebrow. “How could the puppet be alive, anyway?”

“Beats me! Rose says it’s a juju, like the infamous lollipop that Jake, Jane, Roxy and D—”

“Ho! Let’s not talk about that cockamamie sugary thingamagig, yes?” Karkat groaned under his breath as Jake strolled into the room, running his hands through his hair. “That is not one memory I want to be lingering in this old egg of mine.” He tapped his temple, and then gave his finger a swirl. “That lollipop funkdafied us to mars and beyond.”

Karkat glared at him. “What the fuck are you even saying? Is that English? Holy fuck, your vernacular is harder to decipher than _Gamzee’s_.” 

“Okay, calm down,” Jade said, putting her hand to Karkat’s shoulder. His blood-pump fluttered, but he made sure to keep his expression straight. “Let’s not turn this into something bigger than it is. We’re all dealing with hard stuff right now. Basically, we think Lil Cal affected Gamzee in the same way the lollipop affected you. Where it turned you guys creepily nice, it turned Gamzee, well… just plain creepy.”

“Right o! I never trusted that felt covered fellow, but I never imagined he’d slink down to such criminal hijinks!” Jake’s smile never wavered, and Karkat felt like punching him. He was like John, only more annoyingly optimistic, and far thicker.

Karkat hunched over, glowering down at the patterns in the table. “I can’t believe I never fucking noticed,” he muttered darkly.

Putting a hand to his back for comfort, Jade smiled sadly. “None of us noticed, Karkat. That puppet has been living with Dave for years… I wonder why it never hurt him.” She rubbed her temples and sighed. “Maybe it’s the shades they wore. Maybe Lil Cal can’t control people through a medium. In any case, they have some non-shaded friends over, and we can’t afford any of them being cursed like Lil Cal was. Dirk doesn’t want to believe it, uhg.”

Seeing that Jade was just as stressed as he was, Karkat leapt to his feet, taking her shoulders in his hands to massage. He had seen it done in human romcoms a lot, and hoped she’d appreciate his knowledge of their culture.

Jade relaxed against him, sighing, and he reveled in her heat against his chest. For just a moment, Karkat got to hold her, and maybe things would turn out okay after all.

“We need to just fucking forget about this shit for a moment,” Karkat suggested, getting an idea, “Those bastards can survive a few hours without us jumping down their throats.” He grinned when he caused her to laugh under her breath. “We’ve been shut in these same four walls ever since we arrived here. Let’s get some actual real oxygen in our lungs, stop being such shutaways, head for a walk in the forest or something.”

Tipping her head back, Jade rewarded Karkat’s thoughtfulness with a smile. “That sounds amazing,” she murmured softly. 

“Wonderful idea, old bloke!” Jake exclaimed, smacking Karkat’s lower back.

Karkat was tempted to hiss, but refrained, giving Jade a pleading look. She shrugged in return, laughing silently. “Alright, alright. Let’s go.” Karkat tried to hide his disappointment.

“Wonderful! I shall go invite Erisol—I mean Eridan and Sollux, to tag along!” 

“Oh, _wonderful_ ,” Karkat snarked.

\--

Jade plowed on forward as Karkat and the other trolls dragged behind. Jake would sometimes fall back to speak with them, or as he called it, “lend them some gay companionship”. Karkat walked between Eridan and Sollux, visibly blocking them from each other. It should have stopped the bickering.

“Ugh, my hair is newer gonna forgiwe me for this,” Eridan griped, picking a twig out of his locks, ducking from another low branch as he shuffled through the underbrush. 

“Thop fucking complaining,” Sollux said, “God, ath if thith trip wathn’t annoying enough.”

Karkat tossed his hands above his head. “Are you guys kidding me? I thought you two were okay ever since you got your sorry asses fused together! Now it’s just whiny bitch central with you two, and it never fucking stops!”

“You’re the one who dragged uth along on your date,” Sollux pointed out, “I don’t want to be here anymore than you want uth to be here.”

Eridan stopped in his tracks, griping Karkat’s arm hard enough to make him yelp. “W-whoa, w-whoa, w-whoa? Date? Kar… are you flushed for Jade?” His voice turned low and whispering, he might have well been saying “scandalous”. He leaned into Karkat’s personal bubble, causing the cancer to snarl half-heartedly. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“Yeah, I wonder why,” Sollux laughed, “Look, just go kithh her already!”

“First of fucking all,” Karkat growled at them, “I did not invite you, Jake did! Second of fucking all, we’re not even matesprits! She auspisticed me once, a thousand fuckton of sweeps ago, in the game, and probably didn’t even understand the cultural implications of it! You want me to take her limited knowledge of our romance system, and then completely flip over both the concupiscent-conciliatory and blackrom-redrom spectrum with her? How romantically inept do you even have to _be_ to do that?”

“You _do_ like her, Kar! C’mon, just go an tell her how-w you feel!”

“Are you nuts? Did what I just said go in one ear, pass through the void that is your think pan, and escape out the other? And not so fucking loud, she’ll hear you!”

“Jade, now?”

Karkat glared over at Jake, wondering which idiot he would end up strangling first. 

“Are you keeping secrets from my dual mother and/or daughter, because I will keep nothing mum from her, oh no, she deserves the righteous frank truth of it, no matter what you have to say, I’m sure she will be an understanding lady, come now!”

Sollux, thankfully, had Karkat’s back, grabbing Jake’s arm. “Calm down, you old-timey drama spath. KK hath a cruthh on Jade.”

“Oooooooh.” Jake wagged his eyebrows at Karkat.

“What are we, a bunch of preadolescent girls? Keep quiet, Jade is going to notice!”

“Don’t worry, you besotted lad! I won’t leak a word of your affections.” Jake laughed, nudging Karkat hard in his side. “You should have told me sooner! I can try to gauge her opinion of you, in a romantic fashion of course, through just a bit of chatter between her and mys—”

Karkat clamped a hand tight over Jake’s mouth. “You are not to breathe a word of this to Jade,” he hissed in his ear, “Not. A. Fucking. Word.”

“I understand, I understand,” Jake agreed, miming zipping his mouth with a couple of fingers, “You want to go on this journey by yourself, woo the maiden your own way. I can appreciate the old ways of romancing a woman. However, I must make one thing rather clear. You grew up without public education, am I correct? Therefore, seeing as I am a part-time guardian to Jade, I must insist we discuss the birds and the bees together, so you don’t go about knocking our poor mutual friend up by a uniformed slip-up.”

“The birds and the what?”

Eridan snickered, and Karkat glared at him. “I think he means he w-wants to discuss pailin’ practices, Kar. Like, doin’ the do w-with your boo.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

“Chin up, good lad! I know it’s an awkward subject to breach, but before you know it, we shall be basking in the glow of our mutual enlightened selves!”

“I’m not basking in any fucking glow with you.”

“I think you misunderstand, nubby sir.”

“No, I understand perfectly fucking cle—”

“Guys!! Stop fighting, and come look who I found!”

Karkat, Eridan, Sollux and Jake glanced up, surprised when they saw Jade up ahead waving them forward. They scurried, one after the other, through the rough path until they could catch up to her. She was pointing upwards. “You’re not going to believe this.”

Karkat shielded his eyes, still not used to the less powerful Earth sun, as he glanced up and saw, hanging from a branch, a familiar looking troll. “Carlos?”

The wide-horned troll waved back down at them, and shrugged. “Uh, Rufioh, actually.”


	5. Chapter 5

\--gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on board SO WE MIGHT BE HORRIBLE PEOPLE--  
GG: sooooooo apparently we forgot a troll  
GG: and yeah ):  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: Are you positive? I counted a total of thirty-four of us.  
TT: The eight of us, the two cherubs, wait.  
TT: I have twenty-three trolls… how did I get a total of thirty-four?  
TT: Oh. It seems that I counted Von Salamancer as well.  
TT: Well, now I just feel foolish.  
TT: --condescendingClam [CC] responded to memo--  
CC: )(old up gills w)(ic)( one did we forget aboat  
GG: rufioh!!  
GG: apparently he went to explore the forest while the rest of us were still unconscious  
GG: and well  
GG: he got lost  
CC: o)( my glub  
\--taintedAviator [TA] responded to memo--  
TA: 1 tr1ed to cl1mb up a tree to f1nd my way back… and 1 ended up gett1ng my horns stuck…  
CC: is this even for reel i think im gonna bust a gill laughing so hardk  
TA: 1ts n1ce to know that 1 was m1ssed…  
\--technicianColt [TC] responded to memo--  
TC: 8=D I missed you, Rufioh!  
TC: 8=D You canter imagine how comforted I am to hear that you are well. When you didn’t respond to my messages, well, I assumed the worst.   
TC: 8=D Now I feel foalish for galloping to such horseible conclusions.  
TC: 8=D G*sh d*arn! I didn’t mean that I thought any less of your noble person. Of horse I assumed it was I that did something to offend you.  
TA: no 1t’s okay… 1 understand…  
TC: 8=D Oh! What a gloriously understanding matesprint I have!  
TC: 8=D I am truly e%ultant to be so STRONGLY blessed in my two quadrants. If only I had a hundred more sweeps, I may begin to replicate your astounding majesty.  
\--cupidsAssociate [CA] responded to memo--  
CA: (=^・^=) MOG HORRUS YOU’RE SUCH A SW33TIE PIE.  
CA: ヽ (=^・ω・^=)ノ I’M SO PALE FOR YOU TWO!!!  
TC: 8=D My smile is beginning to hurt my face, but I canter seem to mind.  
TC: 8=D You guys make me feel so STRONGLY, I could gallop a million miles right now.  
CA: (=TωT=) YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY I CAN’T HANDLE THESE F33LS.  
CC: ocray wow  
CC: lets stop t)(is trainwreck )(ere  
CC: look gills and buoys t)(is is reel sweet  
CC: an by sweet i mean nauticalating to an extreme degree  
CC: but t)(is is a business only memo  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo--  
EB: is that so, “pale sister”?  
CC: are you culling me a )(ypocrite blue pj buoy  
EB: nah i think you have that base covered.  
CC: w)(ale damn  
\--arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo--  
AG: Okay sugar clam, I h8 to say this 8ut that deserves a z snap.  
CC: na)( its ocray youre tidally rig)(t t)(at was a tig)(t ass sass response  
GG: okay everyone but meenah is right!!  
GG: this memo is getting way off track  
GG: rufioh is safe though so nobody has to worry about him anymore  
GG: and i think rose had something to say as well?  
TT: Well, it isn’t my something to say, exactly. I will say this, however. Being the serious matter that it is, I ask that there be no interruptions or unrelated comments.  
TT: This is quite possibly, without exaggeration, the worst time to become derailed, especially mid-explanation. The facts could get muddled. We could jump to conclusions so quick that we end up reenacting the chaos that was Much Ado About Nothing.   
TT: The only difference being, of course, that our nothing is actually quite something.  
TT: In fact, it might just be easier if no one commented at all.  
TT: Or perhaps even…  
GG: rose whats going on :( :(  
GG: youre starting to worry me a little bit!  
TT: Jade, well. The topic itself is worrisome, so I suppose that’s a fair enough reaction.  
GG: it would be if you told us whats up already :p  
TT: Oh, I thought it best to drag this out as much as I could, build up the anticipation.  
TT: Perhaps then the truth would be somewhat relieving in comparison…  
GG: oh nooooo!!  
GG: just tell us already :( :( :(  
TT: Again, it’s not something I really should be revealing.   
EB: then who’s is it?  
TT: This is more of Gamzee’s territory, actually. Gamzee, you still have a laptop with you, correct?  
\--terminallyCapricious [TC2] responded to memo--  
TC2: tHaT i Do SiS.  
TT: Wonderful.  
TT: Although, now that I think about it… perhaps it would be best to do this on a private memo? We can keep only those that which the topic concerns, who may reveal it to the others at their own time of choosing.  
TC2: sOuNdS tHe BeSt bItChTiTs WaY oF gEtTiNg ThIs ShIt DoNe AnD oVeR wItH.  
EB: who does this concern, exactly?  
TT: Jade and Karkat, primarily.  
EB: and i get friendleader/big brother privileges, right?  
GG: john we were created on the same day hush  
TT: If it’s alright with Jade, then I don’t see any harm in it.  
GG: no its fine! unless you think its something i wouldnt want john knowing…  
TT: I highly doubt so.  
GG: okay then he can come!!  
EB: wait what wouldn’t i want to know exactly?  
GG: i meant it hypothetically john!  
EB: hypothetically what wouldn’t you want me knowing?  
TT: John, I do believe that counts as an off-topic comment.   
TT: I am creating the private chat now. Jade, Karkat, Gamzee, John, Calliope and myself will be the only ones permitted to read it or comment on it. Am I missing anyone?  
TC2: tErEzI tOo.  
TT: Alright, Terezi is also given access to the room.   
TT: I’m not sure if you’re reading this memo, Terezi, but you are invited to the chat.  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo--  
GC: Y34H 1M H3R3  
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo--  
TG: what i don’t get access to this exclusive club party  
TG: im like the co broleader and part time peppy sidekick comic relief doesnt that count for anything  
TT: If you are worried for Terezi, I can assure you that I intend to watch out for her.  
TG: that wasnt the point entirely  
TG: like i want to know whats up with jade too  
GC: GUYS 1 DONT N33D 4 GRUBS1rose3R J3GUS  
TT: Terezi, I merely meant that I would watch out for your emotional state, as my role as auspistice dictates, as well as monitoring your behavior.  
GC: 4R3 YOU ST1LL OUR 4USP1ST1C3  
GC: OR R4TH3R  
GC: W3R3 YOU 3V3R OUR 4USP1ST1C3  
TT: To be honest, it’s a sort of gray area.  
GC: …  
TT: Now that I’ve gotten that dreadful pun out of my system, I would like to request a do-over.  
TT: Terezi Pyrope. Gamzee Makara.  
TT: I know little of the proper way of doing things. Kanaya’s lessons, as insightful as they were, can only help a heavily intoxicated, emotionally disturbed girl understand the complicated romantic structure of an alien planet so much. She covered a lot of material, and only a small fraction stuck with me.   
TT: Perhaps I am being too formal, or not formal enough. Please forgive any errors I make as I trudge my way ineptly through these rough cultural waters.  
TT: Would the two of you allow me the honor of conciliating your relationship with one another, and perhaps guide it to a healthier state of being?  
GC: TH4T W4S W444Y TOO FORM4L  
TT: I thought so. How about this?  
TT: If you two don’t knock it off and talk about your problems, I will force my way into your spade and fill all that toxic black with so much light and sparkles and glitter we will have invented a shiny new silver quadrant.  
TT: This is non-negotiable. I care too much for both of you, and despise the way you act around one another far too much to allow this to continue without any sort of guidance or helping hand. And if I am the only person fit for the job, then I will just take that burden upon myself.  
TT: Have I made myself completely clear?  
GC: …  
GC: Y34H 1 GU3SS YOU D1D  
TT: What was that?  
GC: YOU D1D!  
GC: W3R3 CL34R!  
TT: Gamzee, you’re being awful quiet on the matter. This concerns you as well.  
TT: I have quite a few bones to pick with you, and your interactions with our mutual friend.  
TC2: I UnDeRsTaNd lOuD AnD ClEaR, mY RiGhTeOuS ClUb-wIeLdInG AsHmAtE.  
TT: Well, that’s some improvement, so it will suffice for the moment.  
TT: Where were we?  
EB: (so much for no off-topic comments)  
TT: I freed this particular memo from that rule once we established our change of location.  
TT: Speaking of which, that is exactly where we were. Thank you for reminding me, John. Let those of us in the exclusive club part relocate at once.  
TT: The memo name shall be “Important business”, and I will send you each the password individually.  
TT: Let us close this one up, as it no longer serves any sort of useful purpose.  
GG: agreed!  
\--gardenGnostic [GG] closed memo so we might be horrible people--

\--

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board IMPORTANT BUSINESS--  
TT: Now to wait, I suppose.  
TT: It would be nice if we could play some fitting music to go along with the memo.  
TT: Some elevator music, perhaps.  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo--  
CG: I WAS THINKING MORE OF A DEATH MARCH.  
CG: IF THIS IS ANYWHERE AS HORRIFYING AS YOU’VE MADE IT OUT TO BE.  
TT: I never said it was horrid, or in any way negative.   
CG: YOU DAMN WELL IMPLIED IT.  
terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo--  
TC: HeY kArKaT.  
CG: HEY GAMZEE.  
CG: IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU ACTUALLY TYPING LIKE THAT AGAIN. IT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF FUCKING RIDICULOUS HOW RELIEVING IT IS.  
TC: FeElS aLl ShAdEs Of BeTtEr ToO, mY wIcKeD dIaMoNd MaTe. DoN't GoT tHaT iTcHiNg Up In ThE bRaInHiVe LiKe It'S bEeN aLl ToO fAmIlIaR wItH lAtElY.  
CG: THAT’S… WEIRD, BUT GOOD.  
CG: IS YOUR RAGE JUST… GONE? LIKE, DISSIPATED INTO THIN AIR LIKE A FANCY ASS MAGICIAN OR SOME SHIT?  
CG: BECAUSE AS SUPER FUCKING SPECTACULAR THAT IS, IT IS RATHER SUDDEN AND WELL  
CG: PROBABLY WAY TOO GODDAMN MUCH TO HOPE FOR.  
TC: I wIsH, bRoThEr.  
TC: TrUtH iS, aLl SoRtS oF sHiT hAs BeEn RaGiNg FoRtH iN tHiS vEsSeL oF mInE.  
CG: UM, VESSEL??  
TC: ErRr, BoDy, I aLl WaS bEiNg To SaY.  
CG: GAMZEE, WHAT THE SHIT?  
TT: From what I have heard, the term vessel isn’t too off course.  
CG: I AM SO SHITFUCKING CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.  
\--gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo--  
GG: hey everybody dont go getting confused without me!!  
GG: i hear its one of my expertise  
GG: that and well  
GG: confusing others unnecessarily…  
CG: LET’S TRY *NOT* TO ADD TO THE CONFUSION, HARLEY.  
CG: I’VE ALREADY HAVE MY THINK PAN SWIMMING UP TO THE TIPS OF MY AUDITORY LOBES.  
GG: its funny because your ears actually have tips!!  
GG: hehehehe  
CG: WELL AREN’T YOU LITTLE MISS CHIPPER.  
GG: i decided theres no use chewing myself up with anxiety!  
GG: whatever happens well all deal with it together  
GG: just like we always do :)  
GG: it really cant be worse than surviving an apocalypse beating a time hopping demon lord and forging a new world can it??  
CG: YEAH I GUESS NOT.  
CG: IT’S NOT, IS IT?  
TT: No, like I have stated, it’s not really anything hugely negative.  
CG: BUT THERE ARE NEGATIVE ASPECTS.  
TT: Of course, I wouldn’t want to deprive you from something to cling onto while you pointedly keep your gaze from anything resembling a silver lining.   
CG: OH HA HA.  
CG: FORGIVE ME FOR BEING AN ACTUAL FUCKING REALISTIC.  
TT: I should probably find you a dictionary while we wait for the others.   
GG: oooooooooooh karkat  
GG: rose totally burned you  
CG: WOW, FUCKING FABULOUS.  
CG: LET’S STOP BEING SEAT-WETTING MORONS FOR ONE FRACTION OF A SECOND, AND GET BACK TO DISCUSSING WHO OR WHAT IS RIDING AROUND MY MOIRAIL’S BODY AS A FUCKING VESSEL.  
TC: NoT qUiTe SuRe If It'S gEtTiNg To Be ClAsSiFiEd As A wHaT oR a WhO, aCtUaLlY.  
CG: ABSO-POSITIVE-FUCKING-LUTELY HELPFUL AS PER USUAL. THANK YOU GAMZEE.  
TT: I believe “who” would be the proper term in this case.  
CG: WHO OR WHAT IS WHO.  
TT: Definitely who.  
CG: I HATE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH RIGHT NOW.  
CG: OW!  
GG: sorry guys karkat was kind of biting his nails right down to the bits where they were bleeding  
GG: mind if we hurry this up some???  
CG: I PROMISE NOT TO GET MY MUTANT STAINS ON YOUR BED, JADE.  
TT: Oooh?  
CG: THAT WASN’T  
CG: WOW FUCK.  
GG: ummm what??  
TT: This is the part where I pat you on the head and send you to bed with a glass of water.  
TT: And apparently an alien with an affinity for Freudian slips.  
TC: MoThEr FuCk WhAt SwEeT jUiCe NaMeD gOsSiP wAs I aLl MiSsInG tHoSe BlAnKeD oUt SwEePs?  
TC: ThAt TeChNiCaLlY aIn'T sO bLaNkEd OuT nO mOrE.  
CG: WHOA WHOA FUCK  
CG: YOU *REMEMBER*, NOW?  
TC: SoMe PaRtS sTiLl HaVe ThEiR fUzZy On BuT  
TC: YeAh I gOtTa SaY tHaT i PrEtTy MuCh Do ReMeMbEr MoSt Of ThAt ShIt NoW.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER??  
TC: A wHoLe BuCkEtLoAd Of BaD sHiT aNd GoOd ShIt AlL mIxEd AnD mUdDlEd.  
TC: I 'mEmBeR yOu, HoW yOu GoT yOuR rElAx On In AnD aRoUnD mE.  
CG: SWEET, BUT BASICALLY USELESS, NO OFFENSE.  
TC: CaN't GeT aRoUnD tO aNy Of ThAt OtHeR sHiT 'tIl We GoT tHe WhOlE pArTy AcCoUnTeD fOr, YeAh?  
TC: KiNd Of A lOt Of ShIt, WhEn AlL iS sAiD aNd DoNe.  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo--  
GC: 1M H3R3  
GC: JUST B33N K1ND OF  
GC: LURK1NG 1 GU3SS  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo--  
EB: yeah me too  
EB: i just want to read for now i guess  
EB: you guys seem to have it under control  
TC: WeLl ThEn, ThAt WoUlD jUsT bE lEaViNg...  
TC: CaLlIe GiRl, C'mOn AnD sAy Hi!  
\--uranianUmbra [UU] responded to memo--  
UU: well hello everyone! ^u^  
UU: i mUst confess, this is my first time on a memo.  
UU: i have only ever taken part in conversations held between two people at a time, so this is a first for me. do forgive me if i seem at all withheld.   
TC: HeH, wE'rE aLl AbOuT bEiNg FaMiLy HeRe, CaLlIe.  
TC: NoT nOtHiNg To Be ShY oVeR.  
CG: DO YOU TWO… KNOW EACH OTHER?  
TC: YoU, uH  
TC: YoU cOuLd Be SaYiNg SoMeThInG tO tHaT mOtHeR fUcKiN eXtEnT rIgHt ThErE, yEaH.  
CG: THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  
TC: I gUeSs I wAs MeAnInG wAs...  
TC: YoU cOuLd Be TaKiNg ThAt FaMiLy TeRm AlL lItErAl LiKe.  
TC: It'S a LoNg As BaLlS sToRy, BuT wHeN i GoT mY cOnSpIrE oN wItH kUrLoZ aNd DaMzSiS, i GoT tHe TaSk Of RaIsInG tHe NeW gOdLiNgS.  
TC: GoDlInGs, Of CoUrSe, ReFeRrInG tO cAlLiE aNd HeR nAuGhTy TiKe BrOtHeR wHo As We AlL kNoW gOt HiS aSs ThRoWn In TiMe OuT.  
CG: GAMZEE  
CG: THE FUCK  
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THAT.  
TT: Perhaps starting from the beginning of your tale would be best, Gamzee.  
TC: YeAh, OkAy, So  
TC: YoU kNoW hOw ThE aLpHaS gOt ThEiR cReEpY oN wItH tHeIr LoLlIeS?  
CG: YEAH, THE SAME THING HAPPENED WITH LIL CAL.  
CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT BY THE WHOLE VESSEL THING?  
TC: YeS aNd No.  
TC: SeE, lOrD eNgLiSh HaD tHiS wHoLe ThInG pLaNnEd FrOm ThE sTaRt, HiS uPrIsInG aNd HiS bIrTh AnD sHiT.  
TC: LiL cAl WaS hIs BiGgEsT tOoL iN tHaT wHoLe PlAn Of HiS.  
TC: LiL cAl WaS sOrT oF lIkE a PoRtAl, I gUeSs, AnD hE cOuLd GeT hIs LoOk On To ThE iNsIdE oF mE aNd MaKe Me Do ShIt I dIdN't WaNt To Be DoInG. kArKaT, yOu HeLpEd Me WiTh SaYiNg No To HiM, bUt AfTeR aRaNeA hAd HeR fUn WiTh Me I gUeSs I hAd A pOiNt Of WeAkNeSs... Or MaYbE hE gOt StRoNgEr, I dOn'T eVeN kNoW. iT wAs HaRd, AnD i TrIeD tO sToP, bUt I cOuLdN't.  
GC: SHUT UP  
GC: JUST STOP  
GC: STOP W1TH TH3S3 FOUL L13S  
TC: I aIn’T lYiNg BaBy GiRl…  
GC: 4R3 YOU T3LL1NG M3  
GC: TO MY F4C3  
GC: TH4T TH3 WHOL3 T1M3 1 W4S B34T1NG TH3 V1L3 SNOT FROM YOUR R3PUGN4NT P3RSON YOU W3R3 TRY1NG TO FR33 YOURS3LF FROM LORD 3NGL1SHS GR1P  
TC: ThAt'S... uM, fAiRlY aCcUrAtE, aCtUaLlY.  
TC: PlUs ThE wHoLe ShIt WiTh ThE sErKeT mAnIpUlAtIoN.  
TC: MaN, i HaTe ThEm SeRkEt SpIdErBiTcHeS...  
TC: To Be FaIr, I'm ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR wHo FeLl To ThAt MoThErFuCkEr'S tRaP iN tHe FiRsT pLaCe. SnEaKiNg 'RoUnD mY pAlE mAn'S bAcK wHeN i ShOuLd HaVe BeEn AlL aBoUt InFoRmInG hIm ThE wIcKeD nEwS aBoUt WhAt WaS rEaLlY gOiNg DoWn.  
CG: YEAH, GOOD FUCKING POINT.  
GC: 4ND YOUR R34SON1NG FOR DO1NG SO  
TC: DiDn'T wAnT lOrD eNgLiSh To GeT hIs RaGe On AnD mAkE mE hUrT aNyOnE aGaIn...  
CG: SHIT.  
CG: YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED, GAMZEE, I…  
CG: I FEEL LIKE I JUST FAILED AS A MOIRAIL.  
TC: AiN't No BeTtEr CoNcIlIaTiNg MoThErFuCkEr ThAn YoU aRe, KaRkAt.  
CG: SHOOSH, YOUR OPINION DOESN’T COUNT.  
GC: G4MZ33  
TC: YeAh, TeReZi?  
GC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 NOT1C3D SOM3TH1NG W4S D1FF3R3NT  
TC: No, I nEvEr ShOuLd HaVe GoT mY hUrT oN fOr YoU.  
TC: EvEn If I dIdN’t MeAn To, I sTiLl WeNt AnD dId It.   
GC: 1M ST1LL SORRY  
TC: ThAt MaKeS tWo Of Us.  
TT: Awww, well now you guys are making me feel unnecessary.   
TC: NaW, oUr ReLaTiOnShIp WaS aLl DaMnEd UnHeAlThY 'rOuNd ThE gEtGo. We CoUlD bE aLl AbOuT nEeDiNg Us SoMe AsHeN lOvInG aBoUt NoW, aNd I dOn'T kNoW oF a SiNgLe MoThErFuCkEr BeTtEr To DeLiVeR.  
GC: WH4T H3 S41D JUST WORD3D 1N 4 LOG1C4L 4ND 1NT3LL1G3NT M4NN3R  
TT: Understood. I shall do my best not to disappoint.  
EB: well this is all nice and touching but,  
EB: so far this has only been relieving. i thought there were going to be some negative aspects?  
GG: oh yeah thats right!!  
GG: unless it really is all good??? :)  
TT: Unfortunately, no.  
GG: :(  
TT: Gamzee, if you please?  
TC: Uh, YeAh.  
TC: I wAs TaLkInG aBoUt RaIsInG tHe ChErUb TwInS  
TC: AnD aBoUt HoW tHeY wErE gEtTiNg MaDe, RiGhT?  
CG: GETTING MADE?  
CG: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?  
TC: Y'kNoW, hOw ThEy GoT tHeIr ExIsT oN iN tHe FiRsT pLaCe.  
GC: K4RKL3S YOU R34LLY N33D TO T34CH YOUR OTH3R H4LF SOM3 GR4MM4R  
CG: WORKING ON IT. IT’S A PROCESS, OKAY??  
TC: AnY hOw, ThEiR wHoLe RaCe GoT tHeIr ExIsT oN bEcAuSe Of Me, AnD sOmE eCtObIoLoGy ShIt ThAt I lEaRnEd On AcCoUnT oF lOrD eNgLiSh In ThE fIrSt FuCkInG pLaCe.  
CG: YOU CREATED… THE CHERUB RACE?  
UU: making me his more than jUst figUrative progeny.   
TC: BeTwEeN tHaT aNd GeTtInG mY lUsUs On WiTh ThEm As YoUnGsTeRs...  
TC: YoU cOuLd Be TeRmInG cAlLiE aNd CaL aS mY cHiLdReN.  
CG: …  
GC: WOW  
GC: LORD 3NGL1SH P1CK3D YOU TO B3 H1S F4TH3R?  
TC: HeY! i ThOuGhT i DiD oKaY!  
TC: Tc: LeAsT i DiD 'tIl ArAnEa InTeRcEeDeD iN oUr PlAnS.  
TC: MaKiNg Me BlOt OuT iMpOrTaNt InFo So CaLiBoRn CoUlD bE wItH kIlLiNg CaLlIoPe 'StEaD oF cOnSuMiNg HeR.  
TC: I wAsN't EvEn AbLe To WaRn CaLlIe Of AnYtHiNg :O(  
UU: i wish that i coUld remember so as to reassUre yoU, bUt nevertheless, from what little i know of yoU, i’m sUre that yoU were brilliant as a father! ^u^  
TC: AwWw, ThAnK yOu, CaLlIe GiRl.  
TC: DoEs A cLoWn GrEaT pRiDe To HeAr ThAt ChEeRiNg NoIsE pOiNtEd At HiS dIrEcTiOn.  
UU: it’s really no problem. i do want to get to know yoU better, if that’s okay with you.  
TC: NoThInG cOuLd MaKe Me HaPpIeR.  
TC: HoNkHoNkHoNk!!  
GG: awwww thats really cute!!  
GG: im so happy for you calliope  
GG: and you too gamzee  
EB: wait hold on up  
EB: you used ectobiology you said?  
TC: YeEeEaH wElL tHaT's WhErE tHe WoNkY sHiT cOmEs In.  
TC: SeE, i HaD oNlY sO mAnY gEnEs To Be PuLlInG fRoM.  
CG: WAIT.  
TC: AnD uH... lIl CaL wAs PaRt Of It, BuT uH, i AlSo HaD tO bE nEeDiNg OtHeR pArTs ThAt WeReN't InAnImAtE pUpPeT...  
GG: you used some of our genes???  
GG: who????? :o  
CG: IT’S SOMEONE IN THIS CHAT, ISN’T IT??  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD GAMZEE WHO DID YOU USE TO MAKE ALIEN SLURRY STEW.  
TT: I’m sure you’ve already guessed, from the similarities of personalities as well as typing quirks.  
CG: OH  
CG: MY  
CG: *FUCKING*  
GG: im a mother??????????????????  
GC: OH MY GOD K4RKL3S W4Y TO NOT M3SS 4ROUND W1TH CROSS SP3C13S ROM4NT1C SH3N4N1G4NS  
CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO  
GG: karkat shut up!!!!  
GG: im surprised too but thats really no way to act in front of our  
GG: of our  
CG: THAT SNOT-STAINED CORPSE FACED MAGGOT IS MY DESCENDANT????  
GG: oh my god  
GG: oh my goddddddddd  
EB: well shit.  
CG: I CAN’T  
CG: NOPE  
CG: NOT THIS  
TC: ShIt, KaRkAt...  
TC: GeT yOuR rElAx On, It'Ll Be ChIlL.  
CG: NO IT WILL *NOT* BE CHILL.  
CG: THIS IS NOT CHILL.  
TC: ShOoOoOoOoOoOsH  
TC: ShOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoSh?  
CG: NOPE. THAT WON’T WORK NEITHER.  
GG: i dont really know what to say  
UU: Ummmm it woUld be for the best if i left then…  
\--uranianUmbra [UU] ceased responding to memo--  
TC: No No CaLlIe WaIt!!  
TC: AwWwWwWw ShIt :O(  
GG: no no no im sorry callie but i dont know how to even deaaaal  
CG: WE DO NOT DEAL  
CG: DEALING IS NOT AN OPTION.  
TT: I think it would be best if we all took a little time to ourselves, so that we may each process this information in our own time.  
GG: yes yes  
GG: alone time is good  
GG: processing is good  
EB: yeah no way am i going to process this.  
TT: John, please? If you won’t help lighten the situation, at least refrain from adding to it.  
EB: by leaving?  
TT: That would be preferable.  
EB: ooooooooooooooooookay, then.  
EB: going now!  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo--  
GC: OK4Y TH1S 1S SOM3 FUNNY SH1T BUT 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY L34V3 TOO…  
TT: Goodbye, Terezi.  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo--  
TT: You know what?  
TT: It would probably be easiest if I just closed the whole thing.  
CG: AND THEN DELETE IT? LEAVE IT TO BURN?  
GG: karkat!! stop being insensitive about our children!!!  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WILL REFER TO THEM AS.  
TC: GuYs, I tHiNk YoU rEaLlY hUrT cAlLiE's FeElInGs…  
GG: i didnt mean to!!  
GG: this is just unexpected and kind of distressing  
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK  
CG: UGH  
CG: I’LL APOLOGIZE LATER I JUST  
TT: Yes, I think that’s enough for this memo.  
TT: Goodbye, everyone.  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] closed memo SERIOUS BUSINESS--


	6. Chapter 6

It was nice for Gamzee to sit at a table again, even if there was a thick, awkward silence surrounding it. The middle of the table was stacked with an untouched tower of pancakes, and Gamzee licked his lips but didn’t move to take one for himself. His plate remained as empty as everyone else’s, as the Egbert/Crocker family observed him like a chimpanzee behind bars. 

“I guess that settles it,” dad said, finally breaking the silence, “If it has been proved that he poses no danger, it would be unthinkable to let him stay locked up with the others in the guest room, turned jail cell. We don’t have much room left, and no more spare beds.”

Gamzee’s stomach grumbled, and he lifted a hand from his lap to take some food, but then reconsidered. 

“He’s not sharing my bed,” John put in quickly, and his father ‘humph’ed at him. 

“He’s not staying in Jane’s room with her, Vriska and Meenah,” dad replied, crossing his arms and thinking that over, “so he’ll have to stay in your room. I could try to find another cot to try to fit into your room, but until then, he’ll have to share a bed with either you or Tavros.”

“Uhh.” Gamzee tried not to panic. “That might be, uh… a tad mother fuckin’ awkward.”

John, however, didn’t appear to be won over by Gamzee’s vague words. “Gamzee, it’s going to be three of us sharing my small room… even smaller now that I have an extra bed in it. It’s going to be awkward no matter what.” He leaned forward, putting his chin in his palm and reaching out to pull a pancake to his plate. Without even bothering to top it with butter or syrup, he pulled at the doughy treat and nibbled at what he could tear off. 

Relieved by this, Gamzee took his own piece, having not eaten well the past couple of days. Damara and Kurloz had hogged most of the food, when Caliborn didn’t just shove it back under the door, claiming it was poisoned. (There had been a most unpleasant incident the night before in which they all realized that Kurloz had to take out his stitches in order to eat again, now that he needed it to survive. Gamzee had promptly lost his appetite seeing the stump of a mutilated tongue at the back of Kurloz’s mouth, and it had taken close to half an hour before his lips stopped bleeding altogether.)

“Glad you finished your last night cooped up in the guest room?” Jane guessed as she watched Gamzee gobble down his food, having not bothered to top his breakfast off either.

Mouth full, Gamzee could only nod at her, smiling gently. He had to continuously remind himself that he had just barely managed to gain his freedom back, and reassuring every one of his harmlessness consistently would go a long way. As soon as he had swallowed, he decided he could try to take up her question and turn it into a conversation. The more friends he could make, the better. Without Karkat, Rose or Calliope there with him, Gamzee was already feeling painfully lonely.

“They ain’t the worst of motherfuckers in their individual selves, but when they got all stuck together like that, it ain’t a piece of cake talking to them,” Gamzee admitted, “plus it’s nice to stretch my legs some.”

Jane watched him, a look of surprise on her face. Perhaps she hadn’t meant to start a conversation with him, and merely be polite? Gamzee felt his shoulders sag down. He really had to get into the swing of communication again. It had never been his strong suit, but even so. The clown returned to his pancakes, and used a fork to cut it into bite-sized squares.

“Well,” Gamzee continued, returning to what he was saying to John, glancing up through his bangs, but quickly returned his gaze to his lap once John’s brows furrowed, “the reason I got my dislike on about sleeping with a brother like Tavbro, as great as he is, is that I haven’t exchanged words with him in sweeps, plus the last time I went all crossing a friendship line and inviting him over for makeouts, and he just wasn’t about that at all.”

And… here came the silence again. Gamzee glanced up, looking from John to Jane and then, with a great deal of hesitation, glancing at their father.

Just when he thought they would be silent forever, Jane waved off the topic with a huffed, “TMI, Gamzee.” John went back to his pancake, picking it apart with his fingers, with Jane watching him with apparent disapproval.

“Nevertheless,” dad finally said, “It’s the best we can do for now, unless either Tavros or you wants to sleep in John’s bed.”

John dropped his food, moving his hand over his throat in a very clear “no” motion. “It’s bad enough that Tavros is even sharing a room with me,” he told his father. When Jane whispered to him about using a fork, John glared at her and stabbed at the broken up pancake with the prongs, before turning back to his guardian. “I think he has a black crush on me or something. He is always picking a fight. It’s starting to piss me off.” 

“It’ll take some time to comfortably learn each other’s ways,” Jane agreed softly.

Wanting to take this opportunity to help, Gamzee sat up a bit, smiling. “Hey, well, uh, if you’re not interested in Tavbro that way, you could all be about finding an auspistice to help smooth things along. It don’t even have to be permanent… just someone to work out the kinks until it ain’t all heavy and uncomfortable no more. Kanaya is all about that noise, and besides, she and Tavros have had some ashen dealings in the past.” 

And… they were all looking at him like he sprouted an extra horn.

Gamzee pushed his plate aside. Socializing was a lot harder than he remembered it to be. Maybe it was because of their different culture? 

“John,” dad said, “why don’t you help Gamzee collect his things and move them to your room?”

\--

“This won’t take long,” Gamzee tried to assure John, who appeared rather displeased that he had to tag along, “I, uh, don’t have that much stuff no more. Just some knick-knacks I guess ya’ll decided not to take from me, and some pairs of clothes.” 

Nodding without a word, John took the keys from his pocket and unlocked the door for Gamzee. 

Expecting a “keep it quick” or something along those lines, Gamzee paused at the threshold for a split second, before bowing his head and plowing forward. Caliborn and Kurloz were waiting for him, equal looks of betrayal on their faces. Kurloz’s gave Gamzee a sense of smugness, but he couldn’t look at Caliborn too long without a fragment of guilt. 

“So.” Caliborn followed after Gamzee, and despite being nearly half his height, Gamzee felt the hair at the back of his nape flare. 

When Gamzee didn’t answer, Caliborn stepped on the back of his heel. Sighing, Gamzee turned around to face Caliborn, knowing he had to listen to what the young cherub had to say sooner or later. Caliborn’s snarl was not unlike that of Lord English’s, but he was still so young. There was a glimmer of abandonment in those eyes, or maybe Gamzee just imagined it, just wished it to be so. 

“You’re not going to even try to help us out. Are you?” Caliborn sneered as he spoke, chopped up his sentences to invite the dramatic pauses in, or whatever he did that for.

Seeing as he never had his own father figure to gather inspiration from, Gamzee went with his gut as he got down on a knee so he could look up at Caliborn, instead of down at him. “Now did this clown out and say that to you?” The other Strider had said something about potential. Caliborn had the potential to become Lord English, as well as the potential to be someone else. Gamzee couldn’t make that choice for Caliborn, but maybe he could nudge him in a better direction. “I can’t make no promises, but shit if I ain’t gonna give it my all best.”

Kurloz’s disapproving scowl eased a bit, twisting into confusion. He still couldn’t speak, his tongue taking away his ability to form the sounds in his throat into words, but he made a grunt that was very clearly a simple “How?”

Everyone’s gaze was on him suddenly. Oh, wow, this was awkward. Gamzee didn’t like being the center of attention. 

With their eyes following after him, Gamzee walked around them to grab his things, trying to buy himself time as he raked his brain for a good response. The pile of clothes and the memory diamond key he kept hidden within it was located in the corner Caliborn had assigned Gamzee to, and he quickly gathered it all up into his arms. 

“The creepy mime asked you. A word that sounded like a question.” Caliborn’s voice was thick with anger, and Gamzee fought the urge to bow his head to his son. “How do you plan to help? Pawn, answer me. At once!”

Gamzee swallowed and tried to imagine what Karkat would say in the same scenario. “Don’t be calling me your pawn, okay? I am the closest thing you’ve got to a lusus.”

It took as much time as it took for Caliborn to say “What?” for Kurloz to round on Gamzee, skeleton-like fingers gripping at his wrist hard enough for Gamzee to feel the strain on his bones. The larger Makara had a dangerous look in his eyes, and Gamzee again remembered how much distaste he held for the other. Manipulating his quadrantmates, being willing to throw the rest of his team away for the sake of an immature godling that promised him paradise… Gamzee was ashamed to be related to him. A growl came from his throat, unbidden.

“Ooh. Such testosterone.” Damara’s flat, unamused commentary spiked Gamzee’s rage, and he tore himself from Kurloz to glare at her.

Suddenly, Gamzee didn’t have to wonder about what he was going to say. Straightening up, Gamzee felt for the jaded edge of the diamond relic within the bundle of cloth, and the anger left him feeling cool and confident. “What are you even gonna do when you get your asses all freed from this prison?” Gamzee’s gaze swept from person to person, and only Aranea appeared completely disinterested in what he had to say. 

“Caliborn, I won’t let you consume your sister’s energy, and without it, you’ll never be possessing the powers of a god. You have no control over time no more. Not one of us went god tier, and now all of us are just mortals now. John, though? John out there is the mother fuckin’ god now. Ya’ll can rebel against him and his divine gang, against space, time, light. Or you can get your sorry buttocks all in line, admit you did bad shit, and take advantage of the potential you’ve been granted. You don’t have to be no Lord English, no Grand Highblood, no Mindfang, no Handmaid. You can get yourself into the mind of being whoever wicked brother or sister you wanna be. You can make yourself some sort of life.” Gamzee pointed towards the door and took a deep breath. “For me, I have a daughter that I ain’t been much of a paternal motherfucker to yet, a pale brother I owe my soul and sanity for, and two leaves I can get my jugglin’ clubs on with. That’s three good reasons to pick my shit up, and get it sorted. Maybe you don’t think you got anyone to do that for…” Gamzee was no longer to talking to all of them. Aranea and Damara probably had people, and he didn’t care if Kurloz still had any feelings for his moirail. His attention was on Caliborn, and he forced the words no matter how bored Caliborn’s expression was. “Lil Cal boy, you probably don’t hold much affection towards me, but…”

He was putting his heart out on his sleeve, and Caliborn wasn’t biting, was only looking at him with a mixture of amusement and pity that hurt down to Gamzee’s core. 

It was almost shameful how long the silence dragged out, and finally Kurloz stepped forward to stand beside Caliborn. His eyes flashed purple, and Gamzee braced himself for whatever idiotic thing his genetic son had to say. 

_I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN REJECT YOUR SACRED CALLING, BLASPHEMING BROTHER, BUT IF YOU MUST CHOOSE THIS PATH OF HERESY, AT LEAST REFRAIN FROM DELUSIONING YOURSELF BY THINKING YOURSELF THE ONE TRUE MESSIAH’S LUSUS._ Kurloz gave Gamzee an even, smoldering look. The hatred behind the calm face wasn’t too difficult to pick out. A second more, Gamzee didn’t budge, still giving hopeful glances to Caliborn, until Caliborn nudged Kurloz and the highblood spat a wad of saliva at Gamzee’s feet. _GO._

“Go,” Caliborn echoed, stepping forward and growling at Gamzee. The sound was still too high-pitched, too preadolescent. “Return to your dumb ass bitches. Tell Callie to—”

“Do not speak of your sister like that!” Gamzee demanded.

More silence. Caliborn looked lifeless, broken… maybe even… hurt? Not even Damara had anything to say, though she was smiling. Gamzee couldn’t tell if it was encouraging or mocking him.

The door opened, and John knocked at the doorframe. “C’mon, Gamzee.” He had undoubtedly heard everything, and his demeanor, Gamzee thought, seemed a bit warmer towards him as the door was closed and locked after him. A series of objects were pelted at the door after a second, as Caliborn screeched, “Traitor!”

John gave Gamzee’s shoulder a few stiff, sympathizing pats. “C’mon, Vriska wants to marathon Pirates of the Caribbean.” 

\--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]--

TG: hey  
GC H3Y  
TG: so uh  
TG: are you going to come out from the bathroom anytime soon  
TG: or are you like hibernating in there  
GC DO3S SOM3ON3 N33D TO US3 1T  
TG: no not yet  
TG: just kind of wondering what youre doing in there  
TG: unless its like actually bathroom shit like i dont need like number one or number two specifics  
TG: i guess i am assuming its a something else sort of deal  
GC 1T M4Y B3 4 SOM3TH1NG SORT OF D34L  
TG: may i ask  
TG: is this the sort of thing where you tear up everything in the room and punch holes into the wall and do other hulk smashish stuff  
TG: or is this more of the snotty nose and lump in your throat sort of deal  
GC 1T M4Y B3 MOR3 OF TH3 L4TT3R  
TG: more of the latter  
TG: like are you punching holes into the walls between sniffles  
TG: are you blowing your nose on the towels and staining them all teal because that shit will not fly with bro  
TG: by which i mean dirk  
GC >:?  
TG: shut up this isnt about my brother issues  
TG: just answer the questions tz  
GC 1M NOT RU1N1NG 4NY STUP1D TOW3LS  
GC 3QU1US 4ND HORRUS STOL3 4LL OF TH3M 4NYW4Y  
GC TH3YR3 PROB4BY 4LL ST41N3D W1TH 1ND1GO BLU3 SW34T BY NOW  
TG: okay cool we gotta invest in some darker color towels  
TG: but seriously terezi wanna talk about this or not  
GC 1 DONT KNOW  
GC TH3R3 1SNT 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y  
TG: how about your abusive ex is loose your other ex is denying him of any blame and to top it off youre on a new unfamiliar planet  
GC Y34H 1 TH1NK YOU COV3R3D 1T 4LL  
GC OH Y34H 4ND 1 FL1PP3D OUT 4ND 4LMOST MURD3R3D MY K1SM3S1S WHO TURNS OUT W4SNT TH3 ON3 P1LOT1NG H1S OWN BODY FOR TH3 WHOL3 Y34R OUR R3L4T1ONSH1P W3NT SOUTH  
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: though his response was to beat you up in return so uh  
GC YOU ST1LL DONT B3L13V3 H1M  
GC TH4T H3 COULDNT CONTROL H1MS3LF  
TG: i dont know it all sounds too convenient somehow  
GC 1T F33LS L1K3 TRUTH TO M3  
TG: yeah  
GC Y34H  
GC VR1SK4 W4S PUSH3D 1NTO K1LL1NG 4R4D14 BY M1ST3R M1LKSH4K3  
GC WHO S3RV3D LORD 3NGL1SH  
GC SO WHY WOULDNT H3 PL4NT 4 R3L1C FOR G4MZ33 TO F1ND 4ND M4N1PUL4T3 H1S 4CT1ONS 1F H3 H4D TH3 R3SOURC3S TO DO SO  
TG: it all feels like too much sometimes like wow in both your session and the other trolls some ended up becoming murderers like  
TG: rose once went grimdark but she damn didnt turn traitor  
GC DOC SCR4TCH CR34T3D BOTH OUR PL4N3TS  
GC W3 PL4C3 1MPORT4NC3 ON D1FF3R3NT V1RTU3S TH4N YOU HUM4NS DO  
GC WH4T W4S 34RTHS F1RST GU4RD14N?  
TG: jades dog bec  
TG: oh shit i get what you mean though  
TG: like dogs are pretty much the embodiment of loyalty and friendship  
TG: the game couldnt turn us against each other because we placed our importance on those virtues  
GC WH1CH 1S WHY YOU HUM4NS WON  
GC D3SP1T3 B31NG B1OLOG1C4LLY 1NF3R1OR  
TG: wow blam you couldnt stop at the compliment could you  
TG: nope you had to add that snippy little after comment to feel all superior again  
GC GU1LTY  
GC B3C4US3 WH1L3 YOU HUM4NS H4V3 YOUR P4NSY FR13NDSH1P TROLLS H4V3 4 V1RTU3 KNOWN 4S PR1D3  
GC 1TS WORTH TH3 TR4D3 OFF TRUST M3 >:]  
TG: heh  
TG: at least you seem to be feeling better  
GC 1 GU3SS 1 4M  
GC 1 JUST N33D T1M3 1 TH1NK  
TG: well babe thats why im here  
TG: wow okay that was really bad im sorry  
GC NO 1T W4S CUT3  
TG: yeah  
TG: so  
GC SO  
TG: awkward exes silence  
GC Y34H  
GC BUT 1TS OK4Y  
GC 1M SORRY 1 W3NT 4ROUND B3H1ND YOUR B4CK  
TG: shrug  
TG: look i get it okay you wanted to have your cake and eat it too  
TG: i just thought our two year relationship deserved a more honest handling of that scenario  
TG: wow sorry that was kind of a dickish thing to say  
GC BUT 1TS TRU3  
GC 1 JUST W4NT3D TO PROLONG 1T  
GC OUR BR34KUP 1 M34N  
TG: well  
TG: like i said  
TG: we absolutely can still be friends like i dont know why that should be a thing that stops happening ever  
TG: youre still the raddest girl i know so  
GC W3LL OBV1OUSLY  
TG: the cultural differences though i mean we cant help that  
GC W3LL 1 M34N  
GC Y34H 1 GU3SS SO  
TG: i am not gonna ask you to give up the quadrant thing  
GC OH 1 THOUGHT  
TG: what  
GC 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S JUST K1M3S1SS1TUD3  
TG: yeah i just dont get it like  
TG: yknow  
TG: hate and love they shouldnt be hanging out in the same relationship  
TG: and the violence like  
TG: yeah  
GC BUT  
GC TH3 OTH3R QU4DR4NTS  
TG: i dunno  
TG: i guess i get pale like  
TG: okay this is mad embarrassing but i think ive shared a few feelings jams with kanaya  
GC K4N4Y4  
GC R34LLY  
TG: yeah i mean we were kind of dealing with the same shit and uh  
TG: shes good with slam poetry  
GC SWOON 1T SOUNDS L1K3 TRU3 LOV3  
TG: haha okay so maybe not  
TG: but i like her  
TG: in more of a i want to store her in one of my fetus jars  
TG: minus the fetus unless she wants a snack i suppose  
GC D4V3  
TG: what  
GC TH4T TH1NG YOU JUST S41D  
GC TH4T 1S S3R1OUSLY TH3 MOST 3MB4RR4SS1NG CH33SY P4L3 D3CL4R4T1ON OF 4FF3CT1ON 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD  
GC 4ND 1V3 W4TCH3D ON3 OR TWO OF K4RK4TS DUMB MOV13S  
TG: whoa for real  
GC FOR SO R34L  
TG: wow well  
TG: gotta figure out what to do with that info at a later time and date  
GC H3H3H3H3H3H3H3   
GC D4V3 1 4M SO PROUD OF YOU  
GC 3XPLOR1NG TH3 QU4DR4T1C SYST3M OF ROM4NC3  
TG: damn straight maybe ill get bingo before rose  
GC 1 DOUBT 1T ROS3 WOULD B3 SO FOR H4V1NG 4 K1SM3S1S  
TG: oh well damn  
TG: maybe ill beat her like three to whatever many she has  
GC SH3 4LR34DY H4S YOU TWO TO Z3RO D4V3  
TG: wow youre right  
TG: damn my sister is fucking alien casanova  
TG: i have to step up my game  
GC W3LL  
GC YOU W1LL H4V3 L1TTL3 TROUBL3 W1TH WOO1NG 4 M4T3SPR1T  
TG: yeah  
TG: look tz i know its hard but were just not right for each other  
GC NO NO 1 G3T 1T  
TG: youll find your serendipitous flushed match alright  
TG: and even though youre like absolutely perfect there are probably like  
TG: equally okay girls out there  
TG: and they wont be doing stupid shit like licking my eyeballs  
GC Y34H TH4TS TRU3  
GC OR RUNN1NG 4ROUND ON 4LL FOURS B1T1NG YOUR 4NKL3S 1N H3R 4W3SOM3 DR4GON SU1T  
TG: and hey slobber free makeouts  
GC NO NOOS3S OR H34D DRUMM1NGS  
GC NO PO1NTY 3LBOWS 1N YOUR S1D3 WH3N W3R3 SL33P1NG  
GC NO 1NC3SS4NT R3QU3STS FOR B4CKR1D3S  
GC NO L3CTUR3S 4BOUT JUST1C3 4ND L4W  
TG: yeah  
TG: terezi  
GC WH4T?  
TG: you wanna give it a second try  
GC …  
GC YOU H4V3 TO L3T M3 L1CK YOUR 3Y3S 4G41N  
GC >:]  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah i can do that  


\--

“Parents. We’re parents, Karkat.”

“No, really? I totally forgot about that in the last twenty four hours in which that information was dropped down on us like a shit nuclear bomb.”

Jade put her hands on her hips, and Karkat flinched back. The girl had a temper, although it was almost impossible to get her pissed off, and when Karkat pushed her too far, she exploded in the most confusingly attractive manner. 

“I’m just saying! Do you always have to be such a smartass about everything? Especially right now, when we have to deal with this… this huge new revelation!” 

She was right, but how was Karkat going to explain to her that he could snippy when he was nervous? Or really, anytime he was feeling something he’d rather not advertise to everyone in the general vicinity. “Look, I don’t know why this has to be such a big deal, is all. I’m technically also Kankri’s father, and possibly a couple of the other pre-scratch douchenozzle Beforians. Does that mean I have to be any sort of patronly lusus stand-in for him? Absolutely not!”

Jade’s indignant expression softened to one of sadness. “I know, but Callie… I think she wants to have parental figures. Or at least good older role models.”

She continued to pace along with her thoughts, making a loop around the kitchen table. The bowls of chips she brought out to be snacked upon were still untouched, as she ordered everyone else to take a walk so Karkat and she could problem solve together, and Karkat’s appetite had disappeared the first time the word ‘father’ left her mouth.

The troll watched her, the way she held her worry in her shoulders, and wondered if another shoulder massage was called for in this scenario. Would that be too pale? Perhaps he should say something to her instead? Should he agree with her for the sake of agreeing?

Before he could decide upon a good response to her stress, the computer on the counter beeped, signaling that Gamzee had finally gotten online.

Jade got to the computer before Karkat, nearly shoving him out of the way. 

Their camera was turned on, and Gamzee’s face appeared on the monitor. Karkat felt himself relax, just from having Gamzee within his sight. Worrying about the clown was a constant stressor for him, and having confirmation that he was well and happy did wonders for the tight knots in his back. 

“Gamzee!”

His moirail was just as glad to see Karkat, leaning forward like he would dive through the camera and out the other end. “Yo, Karkat! How’s a brother been, man?”

“Same shit as always,” Karkat replied, stroking the edge of the computer in a reflex, before realizing what he was doing and pulling back, red-faced. “Dude, I miss you so much I’m not even going to rage at you for the ectobiology thing. At least not yet. That might change.”

“Damn, I’ll just have to keep piling on the sugar words, then.” Gamzee made a diamond with his hands, before turning his gaze to Jade. “Nice to finally see you, Jade! Remember when I trolled you, back when you were just a little girl running errands and having wicked adventures on your island? I was the troll with the whimsical quirk, don’t know if I ever got to telling you my name.”

Jade nodded, and Karkat hung back a bit, entranced by seeing his two crushes interact.

“Yeah, you’re the clown. I’m happy to hear that you’re one of the good guys, I miss our chats. You always had the funniest jokes to tell.” Jade’s smile was a beautiful thing, and Karkat wondered why he didn’t spend more time trying to make it happen. “Unfortunately, I’m kind of freaking out right now, and I’m not really happy with you using my DNA to make the big bad, manipulated by a juju or not. So I’m giving you an opportunity to explain before scolding you on the huge breach of my bodily autonomy.” 

Just as Karkat expected, Gamzee wilted drastically, into that hunch he always got when he was trying to show some sort of submissiveness, or something along those lines. “Damn, I didn’t get my think of it quite like that. I’m really sorry, Jade. Please don’t get your harsh on to me.”

“Aww, he’s so cute.” Jade turned to Karkat, to which Karkat felt his heart pick up the pace at least twice its usual speed. “Okay, okay, I won’t yell at you, Gamzee. I just want to know. Why me?”

That was a question that Karkat had asked himself, so he directed his attention back to his moirail, and thankfully his pulse slowed once more. “Yeah, Gamzee, did Lord English pick us in particular for any reason, or was it just sort of random?”

“Well…” Gamzee bit at his thumb, a nervous habit that made Karkat instantly move forward as if to swat his hand down. Gamzee got the message, and tucked his hands between his legs. “I needed to be making gods of which I could get my worship on with.” Gamzee’s gaze slid to Karkat, watching as the cancer’s face filled with a blush once more. “Karkat has always been the light of my world, you know, like the cursing foghorn that brings me back to shore when I’m awash out in the gray vastness of the sea.” He chuckled as Jade hooted loudly at his joke. “So he was being a total no-brainer. And you…” Gamzee’s voice went quiet. “Well. You got flipping over Karkat’s shell faster than any brother or sister this motherfucker has ever seen.” 

Karkat let out a deep breath. Oh thank fuck, he thought Gamzee was going to admit his crush to Jade…

“Gamzee.” Jade gave the clown a confused, gleeful smile. “Are you saying that you… that you ship Karkat and me? I thought Nepeta was the shipper in your group.”

Oh shit, shit, shit.

“Everyone gets their ship on now and again,” Gamzee admitted.

Silence. Karkat was going to murder Gamzee. He was going to fly over to John’s house so he could strangle his stupid, thoughtless moirail.

Except Jade was giggling. “Okay, that’s true,” she said, “Could you imagine that, Karkat? You and me?”

Karkat stared wordlessly at Jade. The answer: only every night for the past three or more years. That wouldn’t have sounded creepy at all or anything. “Yeah, like fuck you’d be able to stand me. I’d end up with my tongue ripped out within the week.”

Jade blinked a few times, showing off her adorable butterfly lashes. “Heehee, I was thinking you’d scream yourself hoarse within the first day.”

“Yeah.” Karkat wanted to tell her so much. God, he was so flushed for her, he couldn’t breathe.

Jade turned to the computer. “Gamzee, I’m going to have to disconnect with you for now. We’ll talk later, okay?”

Gamzee barely had time to say goodbye and blow Karkat a kiss before the screen went black.

Confused, feeling like he was missing something important, Karkat raised an eyebrow at Jade and swallowed hard. She wasn’t even looking at him! Oh shit, what if she figured it out? Was she going to turn him down before he even gathered the guts to confess?

Jade looped her arm through Karkat’s. “Let’s go on a walk,” she said.


	7. Chapter 7

\--ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo on board LET’S GET THESE TROLLS A HOBBY ALREADY--  
\--arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo--  
AG: Oh coooooooome on John, I only watched through the Pir8s of the Cari88ean series twice. I hardly think that constitutes a memo-8ased intervention!  
EB: vriksa please don’t take it personally when i say that i am soooooooo sick and tired of jack sparrow.  
AG: That’s Captain Jack Sparrow, John!  
AG: And I never forced you to sit down and watch them with me! You can go do something else if the movies annoy you thaaaaaaaat much.   
AG: Meenah, Tavros and I were having fun.  
EB: im glad you guys are having fun but you havent left the house since you arrived here  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo--  
TG: i have to agree with john like we got a full house and its like a sitcom without all the humor and the one genius infant and or toddler that somehow exists in all of them for some reason  
TG: or maybe that would have been lil cal before he went up in flames  
\--timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: I still say you enjoyed that too much.  
TG: dude he was like  
TG: possessed by an evil time traveling demon  
TT: That wasn’t Lil Cal’s fault, bro. Besides, Lord English is dead, so he couldn’t have hurt anyone through Lil Cal anymore.  
TG: just let it go man  
TG: if he had anything to do with turning that clown into a monster i was going to drop kick him off the ceiling still dangerous or not  
TT: Just because you have your girlfriend back doesn’t mean you have to turn all medieval knight on her all of a sudden.  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo--  
GC: D1RK YOU 4R3 M4K1NG 4 GR13V1OUS 3RROR 1N 4SSUM1NG TH4T TH3 M3D13V4L KN1GHT ROUT1N3 3V3R STOPP3D 3V3N UPON OUR BR34KUP  
GC: D4V3 1S 3V3RYON3S KN1GHT 1N SH1NN1NG 4RMOR  
GC: 1TS 4DOR4BL3N3SS 1S ONLY R1V4L3D BY HOW UTT3RLY 4NNOY1NG 1T 1S  
TT: Okay yeah, I can see that.  
EB: once  
EB: just once  
EB: i would like to make a memo that stays on topic.  
TG: wow sorry dude we really went off on a weirdly personal tangent there  
EB: yeah you really did.  
EB: but more importantly  
EB: you and terezi got back together?  
TG: well we were planning on keeping it on the down low for a while but  
TT: I feel like that’s a thing you should have told me earlier.  
TG: probably  
TG: anyway now that its out let me just say that yeah terezi and i are totally a thing again and that thing is of the heart shaped quadrant  
TG: i know all the girls were lining up waiting for the appropriate amount of time to start making on the strider again but im gonna have to be honest to the ladies and say that my man meat is officially off the menu  
TG: in a concupiscent sense that is  
TG: im planning on making it to three quadrants before rose so anyone who has a platonic boner for me is fully encouraged to step forward  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: And when was this particular competition set up? I thought it would be common courtesy to at least ask for my permission before enrolling me in this game of alien romance.  
TT: Also, this is an incredibly foolish idea, David. You have no hopes of winning.  
TG: good to know youre in  
TT: Again, I already have two of the required three quadrants. And with your aversion to kismesissitude, that leaves you at another great disadvantage, unless you plan on lightening your stance on hatemance and being open to such a relationship.  
TG: nah i still think the spade quadrant is fucked  
TG: but it doesnt matter because im still going to beat you without it  
TT: Well, I do admire your irrational confidence, but I cannot imagine that happening. I have nothing against kismesissitude, and have been approached in the quadrant before.   
TG: good for you rose  
TG: tz  
GC: R1GHT  
GC: *4 M1GHTY DR4GON FL13S 1N CR4SH1NG THROUGH TH3 CLUB W4LL 4ND D3SC3NDS GR4C3FULLY UPON TH3 ST4G3 W1TH THR33 M1GHTY SW33PS OF H3R 4W3 1NP1R1NG W1NGS*  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON T4K3S TH3 SM4LL M1CROPHON3 ST4ND W1TH 4 S1NGL3 R4ZOR SH4RP CL4W 4ND T1PS TH3 OBJ3CT TOW4RDS H3R LONG M1GHTY SNOUT SO TH4T H3R VO1C3 OF 4 THOUS4ND GODLY B34STS R1NGS 3V3N LOUD3R WH3N SH3 SP34KS*  
GC: 1F TH3R3 1S 4 K4N4Y4 M4RY4M PR3S3NT W1LL SH3 PL34S3 ST4ND UP  
GC: *TH3 GLOR1OUS BLU3 GR33N SC4L3D DR4GON S4YS W1TH 4 THRO4T CR4CKL1NG W1TH 4LL TH3 S1ZZL1NG FL4M3S 1N H3R STOM4CH*  
GC: *4ND SH3 H4NDS TH3 M1K3 TO TH3 KN1GHT R3ST1NG UPON H3R GLOR1OUS B4CKS1D3*  
\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo--  
GA: Asterisk Kanaya Stands Up Asterisk  
GA: Which Is What I Assume To Be The Appropriate Response  
TT: Dave, what is this?  
TG: zip your infinite yap flap shut and maybe youll find out  
TG: bro  
TG: dirk  
TG: mind dropping me a beat  
TT: Damn straight, my man.  
TT: I mean no one on this memo excluding Dave, Terezi and I will hear it, but I can assure you the beat I am going to drop following the conclusion of me writing this sentence is going to be downright strict.  
TG: yeah it is  
TG: ahem  
TG: yo so kanaya i know you might be perplexed right now  
TG: but i cant deny-a these truths imma drop in text right now  
TG: so just on hang back  
GC: H4NG B4CK  
TG: this shit is wack  
GC: SO W4CK  
TG: just dont call me a quack just cut me some slack because quadrants arent my knack but if i know one thing its this aint black  
TG: no cause its so much paler imma need an inhaler cause i dont want to fail her when i cant find the words to say i want to ‘rail her  
TG: or at least stuff you in a jar and volunteer as your snack bar which sounds fucking bizarre so i hope im doing okay so far   
TG: please tell me i are  
TG: yo and kanaya i know bad grammar like that distresses you  
TG: so say bye-bye-a to me unless somehow this impresses you  
TG: its all i wanna do  
GC: W4NN4 DO  
TG: just impress you  
GC: 1MPR3SS YOU  
TG: so heres the chorus again and also the point when i get out my fancy quill pen cause i think you like those and then  
TG: write out my feelings in poetry that ends like it starts for symmetry because i just know you like that notably so kan you wanna play the lottery  
TG: by which i mean the lottery of dating because lately ive been debating why not the universe seems to be stating that you and i are equating  
TG: so this is it no more waiting  
TG: yo so kanaya is it just me being crazy or is this fate  
TG: cause hereby-a i wanna call you my palemate  
TT: (And the mike drops.)  
GA: …  
TT: Wow.  
TT: Dave, are you serious?  
TG: so fucking serious  
TG: kanaya please tell dont me those talks on the meteor were somehow platonic  
TG: did i just read the signs wrong or  
GA: No  
GA: No I Just  
GA: I Did Not Expect This From You Dave  
GA: 8eing So Against Troll Romance As You Were  
TG: it was mostly the kismesis one  
TG: maybe some slight disdain and uncertainty about the others like pale and the other one  
GA: Auspisticism  
TG: yeah that one  
TG: the one youre so good at  
GA: Well  
GA: That Might 8e A Stretch  
GA: As I Have Not 8een Exactly Successful In That Quadrant Quite Yet  
GA: That Is To Say  
GA: I Have Not Found The Two Trolls Serendipitously Meant To Fill My Ashen Quadrant Yet  
TG: yeah but has anyone else done so yet  
GA: I  
GA: I Do Not 8elieve So No  
TG: then youre probably like the closest one to achieve it right  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: 8ut That Pro8a8ly Is Not As Important As Is Usually Thought Of   
GA: Especially Now That We Live In A New World Where The Quadrant System Is Not Practiced As Universally As It Was On Alternia  
GA: And Yet In That Vein Of Thought  
GA: In Which I Use The Aforementioned St8ment In The Sense Of The Idiom  
GA: It Is Pro8a8ly For The 8est   
GA: 8ecause If My Gut Is Correct In Its Figur8ive Feeling That You And I Are Meant To Share A Piteous Concili8ory Relationship Then The Loss Of The Universally Accepted Cosmic Importance Of Quadratic Love Would Have 8een Worth The Opportunity To Meet You Dave  
GA: Seeing As You Did Not Exist In My World  
GA: I May Have 8een Forever Without The True Serendipitous Match For My Diamond  
TG: heh  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Am Sorry Did I Come On Too Strong  
TG: not at all maryam not at all  
TG: okay now look ive seen you trolls do this all the time now its my turn  
TG: <>  
TG: thats for you kanaya  
GA: Oh My  
GA: Well I Am Not One To Indulge In Pu8lic Displays Of Affection 8ut I Cannot Leave A Diamond Without Its Partner  
GA: <>  
TT: Kanaya…  
TT: I had no clue that you had any sort of romantic attraction to my brother, much less a pale one.   
GA: Oh Well Yes  
GA: I Remem8er You Informing Me Once That Speaking Romantically Of One’s Genetic Si8lings Is Somewhat Of A Social Ta8oo  
TT: Oh, yes. That is my error, then.  
TT: As long as the two of you are happy together, I am happy for you, Kanaya.  
TT: Dave, genetic connection or not, if I find Kanaya has been heart-broken, or in this case, diamond-broken, by you, it will be war.  
TG: dont worry rose in that scenario i will gladly accept your help in kicking my ass  
TT: Good, then we are on the same page.   
GC: YOU KNOW NOW YOU TWO SH4R3 BOTH M3 4ND K4N4Y4  
GC: 1 4M D4V3S FLUSHM4T3 4ND ON3 OF ROS3S 4USP1ST1C33S WH1L3 K4N4Y4 1S ROS3S M4T3SPR1T 4ND D4V3S P4L3M4T3  
TG: oh my god  
TT: Oh. Well, then.  
TG: terezi why in the name of all things holy would you point that out  
GC: 1SNT D4T1NG TW1NS CONS1D3R3D 4 COOL 4CCOMPL1SHM3NT ON 34RTH  
GC: K4N4Y4 YOU 4ND 1 4R3 TOT4L PL4Y3RS H4H4H4H4  
TG: this is fucked up  
GC: 1V3 GOT MY R3D BOY UND3R MY L3FT 4RM 4ND MY TOP L34F UND3R MY R1GHT M4K1NG MY W4Y DOWNTOWN L1K3 TH3 HOT SH1T 1 4M  
TG: terezi please im begging you  
TG: just let it go  
GC: Y34H TH3R3S NO W4Y 1M 3V3R L3TT1NG TH1S GO  
TT: Okay Dave I’m sorry, but I totally have to side with Terezi. This is some hilarious shit. This sounds like the beginning of a beautiful sitcom.  
TG: dont you dare  
TT: Twins Dave and Rose have always been different as night and day. Dave raps, Rose knits, Dave fights with a fake samurai sword, Rose practices dark magic. But they do have two things in common: Their shared alien girlfriends, Terezi the lawyer and Kanaya the fashionista.   
TG: dirk im gonna fucking strange you man  
TT: No, no, keep going, Dirk. This sounds splendid.   
TT: Watch Dave and Rose as they struggle on awkward double dates, learn how to follow the troll’s wacky quadratic relationship system, and have some worryingly close calls with incest.  
TG: dude  
TG: im gonna go back in time to revive lil cal so i can burn him all over again  
TT: Well that’s just uncalled for, Dave.  
TG: john can i have permission to burn this memo  
EB: permission denied.  
EB: okay so this memo was basically useless, but still.  
EB: jobs.  
EB: the trolls need jobs.   
TG: we all need jobs  
TG: or at least some hobbies  
TG: even though we have fuck all qualifications  
TG: like yeah i made it up to the seventh grade  
TG: then i had to stop an apocalypse except i didnt but i did help in reviving it if that counts for anything  
EB: oh, yeah.  
EB: um.  
AG: Didn’t really think of that 8efore, huh, smart guy?  
AG: And if it’s near impossi8le for you humans to get jo8s on a planet that you’re so familiar with, then how do you think we aliens feel, huh????????  
AG: Did it ever occur to you that watching your dum8 Earth movies is the fastest, and to 8e honest, the least 8oring way for us to learn a8out your culture? Even though no one told me that pir8ing isn’t a legitim8 career option until today, so that one is on you, John!  
AG: Now I’m going to have to find yet another movie to watch o8sessively.   
EB: vriska…  
EB: i’m really sorry.  
EB: i don’t mean to push you guys, i’ve just been so stressed.  
EB: the game is over, and now what?  
EB: i have murderers under my roof, and what’s looking like zero chances of living a normal life. i guess i didn’t want to admit that just yet, though.  
\--condescendingClam [CC] responded to memo--  
CC: that still dont excuse getting salty with my pearlbait but since the theme of the month seems to be new beginnins im gonna let this one slide  
EB: thanks, meenah.  
CC: youre ferry whalecome windy buoy  
CC: but on a more searious note i was doin some brainstormin an yknow since we did kind of save the whole f-ing universe i think we got some leewave with karma  
EB: and… what are you suggesting, exactly?  
CC: cmon john use your head between roxy an the minnow captor we have ourshellves two ferry krilled hackers so we could either go back an mako up all the schoolfeedin that we missed while we were risking our tailfins for the sake a the world  
CC: or we could knot an say we did  
EB: you know that’s illegal, right?  
GC: Y34H 1T 1S >:/  
GC: 4ND 3V3N THOUGH 1 L1K3 TO ROL3PL4Y COPS 4ND ROBB3RS DO3SNT M34N 1 W4NT TO 3XP3R13NC3 1T FOR R34L  
GC: WH4T 1S OK4Y 1N TH3 SH33TS 41NT 4LW4YS OK4Y 1N TH3 STR33TS  
TG: i totally agree with terezi  
TG: but at the same time were probably going to starve otherwise so lets break the law  
EB: ugh!  
EB: i don’t know. maybe we could keep it as a plan b.  
EB: if we got caught…  
CC: we aint gonna get caught cmon that aint even a fin you gotta worry aboat  
EB: okay, so maybe i would feel too guilty about it, too. then again, i feel pretty guilty asking my dad to feed and house me and all my alien friends.  
TG: maybe we can start our own colony on jades island  
EB: that’s a slightly better plan, but i’d still rather not.  
\--terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo--  
TC: WeLl, If YoU dId StOp On OvEr, ThErE iS bEiNg A wHoLe LoT oF mOtHeR fUcKiN sPaCe. ‘NoUgH rOoMs In JaDe’S hIvE tO bE hOuSiNg ThE wHoLe GaNg, ToO. tHaT’s WhAt KaRkAt HaS bEeN tElLiNg Me.  
EB: hmm, yeah. but i’m kind of attached to the city.  
TG: john you live in the burbs  
EB: there’s a downtown nearby, dumbass.  
TG: everybody should come live in texas  
EB: no chance man  
EB: it’s so cramped where you live, we would lose the trolls within the hour.  
TT: Oh yeah, speaking of that.  
TT: I may have lost track of the Zahhak brothers.  
TT: Dave, you should probably go find them.   
TG: yeah doing that  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo--  
TT: I cannot imagine that ending well. Anyway, and with all due respect, John, it sounds to me like the trolls at your house are dying of boredom. Jade’s island is too isolated, Dave’s place is too small, and John, make no mistake, your place is also too small.  
TT: Not only do I have room to space at my place, we are surrounded my acres of wooded area. And there is a town just a bus ride away for anyone who needs to get out and socialize, or shop.  
\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo--  
TG: and that is when i totes use my hacker superpowers to give us fake records and ids and stuff rite?  
TT: I would prefer not, no.  
TG: aww, but id be so good at it  
TT: I know you would be, Roxy. But we cannot afford to be caught. Roxy, you and I do not exist, as far as this world is concerned. None of us do, except for Jane, and perhaps Jake. I do not know much about his life growing up, but I assume he must have had some sort of identification in order to purchase all of his guns.  
TG: but i could change that if you let me  
TT: I wish I could, but with so many lives in my hands, I cannot take that risk.  
EB: hey and don’t forget that i can’t exactly fly calibrat and his lackeys anywhere. the risk of them hurting someone is too great.   
TC: UhHhHh, I cOuLd Be StAyInG bEhInD, tO wAtCh ThEm, I gUeSs.  
TT: Gamzee, don’t be absurd. Your place is with the rest of us, with your moirail, and with your auspistice.   
GC: 4ND M3 TOO  
GC: 1 GU3SS  
TC: YeAh?  
TC: HeH… tHaNkS, gUyS.  
EB: but the fact remains that i cannot in good conscience leave these felons here with my dad, or trust them to behave themselves on a plane.  
TT: This is looking like a fool’s errand, for sure.  
TG: oh cmonnnnn  
TG: lets not give up hope yet guys :3  
TG: where there is a will there is a way so we just have to summon up some good old mangrit and muddle through this  
TG: at least it isnt the game  
TT: That… is a good reminder, Roxy.  
TT: I will keep brainstorming until I come up with something. Both about how we can earn ourselves income enough to survive, and how to reunite our team. I will find a way. John, you should start practicing.  
EB: practicing?   
TT: Singing “How Do I Live”, for our joyous reunion. It is happening. I am making it happen.  
GA: I Will Offer Myself So That You Have Someone To 8ounce Ideas Off Of As Well As Offering Some Of My Own Should I Come Up With Any  
TT: It’s a date.  
EB: okay, well i guess this memo is pretty much toast.   
EB: i’m closing this up, guys. anyone have any concluding words to add?  
TT: Such a beautiful place, to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter.  
TG: well thats just PLAIN MEAN!!   
TT: Indeed.  
TT: Haha, sorry.  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] closed memo let’s get these trolls a hobby already--

\--

\--auraTormented [AT] began pestering cupidsAssociate [CA]--  
AT: H3Y M3UL1N  
AT: WH47ZZ UP  
CA: (^・o・^) OH HI, MEWTUNA.  
CA: (^・o・^) IT’S B33N A WHILE SINCE WE’VE SPOKEN OFUR A CAT CLIENT LIKE THIS, HASN’T IT?  
AT: Y0U M34N7 CH47 CL13N7 R1GH7  
AT: BU7 L1K3 W17H 7H3 C4T PUN5  
CA: (=°・°=) OH H33H33, YEAH.  
CA: (=^ω^=) SO WHAT’S MEW WITH YOU?  
AT: N07 MUCH  
AT: 1 GU355 1 W4N73D T0 45K5 Y0U S0M37H1NG  
CA: ヾ(=°・°=)ノ OH, WHAT’S THAT? I’M ALL EARS!  
AT: D0 Y0U 571LL 7H1NK 4B0U7 H1M  
CA: (^・_・^)ノ …  
CA: (=；ェ；=) IS IT BAD IF I SAY… YEAH?  
AT: 1 D0N7 KN0W  
AT: M4YB3  
AT: L47UL4 73LL5 M3 175 0K4Y 70 B3 C0NFUZ3D 4B0U7 H0W 1 F33L  
AT: 0R 3V3N 700 571LL L0V3 H1M  
AT: 3V3N 7H0UGH Y0U 4ND H3 BR0K3 UP 4 L0NG 71M3 4G0 1 7H0UGH7 P3RH4P5 Y0U M1GH7 S71LL L0V3 H1M 700  
AT: 4ND 7H47 1F Y0U D0 175 0K4Y  
AT: B3C4U53 7H3 H34R7 C4NN07 B33 C0N7R0LL3D  
CA: (=TωT=) THANKS.  
CA: (=TωT=) I THINK I N33DED TO HEAR THAT.  
CA: (=^・ェ・^=) IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, ANYWAY.  
AT: Y0UR3 W3LCUM.  
\--auraTormented [AT] ceased pestering cupidsAssociate [CA]--


	8. Chapter 8

The woods were a quiet sort of serene that left Karkat feeling unusually relaxed, especially considering that his mind was speeding in circles like a racing automobile. Jade was walking beside him, humming, the wind sometimes catching her hair, or the end of her skirt fluttering around her ankles. Jade’s left arm was swinging out of rhythm with Karkat’s right arm, and every once in a while, they lingered close enough to one another for their pinkie fingers to brush.

Neither one of them had spoken since they left Jade’s hive twenty minutes or so ago, but Karkat found that Jade didn’t seem at all intimidated by the silence, and soon he was growing accustomed to it as well. For the hundredth time, Karkat wondered if Jade had any sort of destination in mind, or was just enjoying the walk.

Their pinkies touched again, and in an act of boldness, or perhaps stupidity, Karkat took Jade’s hand in his.

Jade smiled at him, squeezed his palm, and let out a soft laugh. Before Karkat could ask her if their hand-holding was supposed to be romantic, or what humans even thought of it, Jade was swinging their arms together in a large semi-circle, causing Karkat to relax his arm muscles so she didn’t end up twisting his poor arm out of its socket.

“You’re fucking insane,” Karkat said, “Ow, Jade, I may be left-handed, but I sort of need that arm, too. Could you try to maybe leave it attached?”

“Sorry,” Jade apologized quickly enough, halting her toddler arm swinging game in favor of holding his hand in a much more natural and socially acceptable manner. Karkat almost immediately missed Jade’s version, if only because it was so fundamentally _her_.

Silence again, but now it felt a little awkward. Jade must have felt the same, because she was quick to fill it with her bubbly voice once more, and Karkat gave her his full attention.

“This may sound like a really stupid thing to ask for now,” Jade’s tone was downy-soft, and Karkat noticed that she smiled with her eyes, green, green as the leaves in the trees and the grass beneath their feet, “but I’ve been wondering about some troll stuff, and seeing as this is your specialty, or so you like to claim, anyway, I thought I’d run the risk of having my ears talked off and ask you.” Somewhere in her speaking, Jade had stopped walking, and Karkat along with her. Jade was maybe a mere nose-length taller than Karkat, but it was enough of a height difference that she tipped her face down to him to speak. Even so, Karkat mostly see just the underside of her upturned button nose, and that small slope underneath that connected to her full lips and awkward overbite. “You know what I’m talking about, right? Karkat?”

Of course he knew what she was talking about. Even if he had been spacing out, it was obvious. “You’re still confused about quadrants,” Karkat answered, heart picking up. Did this mean that Jade was open to dating a troll, Karkat couldn’t help but to hope.

“Yep!” Jade rocked back onto the heels of her feet. “So… what’s that thing you’d say? Schoolfeed me?”

Jade caught on fast, Karkat had to admit to that. Since their hands were still linked, Karkat led her over to a couple of rocks at the side of the trail. Jade chose to curl up against the trunk of a tree instead as Karkat sat down on the tallest rock. “I’m trying to figure out a way that’ll make sense to you,” Karkat admitted, “Wait, you’re probably a math whiz, aren’t you?”

“I’m fairly good at math,” Jade admitted, which meant that she probably mastered it or something, so Karkat chuckled to himself and uncaptchalogued a notebook and pen.

Once he had flipped to an empty page, Karkat turned to look Jade in the eye. “Okay, so the quadratic theory of romance is essentially the same sort of thinking behind your basic algebraic line graph.” A horizontal line was added to the paper. “So this is called the x-axis on a graph, yeah? Well, we’re going to call this the concupiscent-conciliatory line. All romantic relationships consist of concupiscence and conciliation. Concupiscence is often described most simply as the passionate tension that exists between those who return each other’s romantic affection. Concupiscence often includes the strange phenomenon known as mating fondness. Conciliation, conversely, refers to the feeling of comfort one feels when they are in the company of someone that they trust. Again, all romantic relationships include both, but in most relationships, it is clear which predominates over the other. That’s why it’s a line. Relationships that are driven more on the lust of a lover’s embrace reside farther left on the line, whereas relationships that have built on a habit of comfy co-dependence reside farther right. Not all relationships are so clear, and may hang somewhere in the middle of the line.”

It seemed like too much information to take in all at once, but when Karkat paused in his lecture, Jade only glanced at the line, and then back up at him to nod encouragingly. “Okay, simple enough. We have a similar theory, except ours is a triangle instead of a line. We call the three points intimacy, passion, and commitment. I guess in your case the commitment part is just assumed, but the intimacy sounds like what you call conciliation, whereas passion would obviously be concupiscence.”

Huh. Karkat stared at Jade blankly, and wondered if maybe humans weren’t quite as collectively stupid and simple-minded as he had assumed. Maybe they had been just a few generations away from discovering their own quadratic theory of romance. 

“Yeah,” Karkat said, realizing he had gone quiet for too long, “Yeah, that sounds really familiar. Okay, so next we have to name the y-axis. This axis is what we called the pity-hate line.”

“This is the part I don’t get,” Jade interrupted Karkat before he could go on. She scooted herself forward, craning her neck over the page as Karkat drew the line. “Concupiscence and conciliation, intimacy and passion, that all sounds romantic. But I can’t fathom how hate or pity has the teeniest bit to do with love! Sounds to me like two things you’d want as far from a relationship as possible.”

Karkat scoffed at Jade, and she mock scoffed him back. “I’m serious,” Jade insisted, “Explain it to me, great and wise love doctor. 

This part had become controversial even on Alternia, but Karkat was determined to teach it the old-fashioned way, the way he had learned it from the collection of famous love stories Crabdad had brought him for his fourth wriggling day. 

“Okay, Harley, you better brace your ass against that tree, because I am about to drop some straight up universal truth down your gullet. You seem to have bought into the common misconception that pity, hate and love are three completely independent, unrelated feelings, and only ever overlap by chance or fancy.” Karkat held up his palm when she gave him a most unamused look, which kept whatever snappy comment she was planning at the back of her throat. “The truth of it is that hate and pity cannot exist of their own accord. Perhaps you can dislike a stranger, but hate, no. To hate a person, you have to get to know them, and they have to be of some worth to you, to make you experience such intense emotion. The same applies to pity. Perhaps you can feel contempt for a stranger’s unfortunate situation, but to pity, to be driven to the point where you feel pain at their pain, that person must mean something to you. The truth is, love is a gateway to both hate and pity. Hate and pity cannot exist anywhere that love has never been before.”

It was clear from Jade’s expression that she was trying to swallow what he was saying, but not without chewing it over first. “That’s an interesting theory,” Jade finally admitted, “but it has its flaws. What of a love that leads to neither hate nor pity?” 

“No such thing!” Karkat laughed at Jade’s offended expression. “Think of everyone you love, Jade. I’m not even talking romantic love. John, for instance. You cannot tell me that there is no part of you that has never hated him a little, that pitied him a little.” Jade’s brows softened the slightest little bit, and Karkat had to laugh again. It was too good not to. “Of course you have, because John has his flaws. A gaggle of absolutely absurd dumbass flaws. Some flaws invoke hatred in you, and some invoke pity. Some that invoke pity one day invoke hate the next. But, Jade Harley, which predominates the other? That is the question of the pity-hate line.”

The “ah” of Jade’s understanding was silent, but clear as day. She put her chin down on a clenched fist, as if trying to find another flaw in Karkat’s logic. The gears whirling away behind her beautiful flowing hair were easy to imagine, Karkat found as he gazed at her profile.

“So,” Jade finally said, and her words weren’t challenging as Karkat expected, but open and curious, “if some romances fall in the middle of one or both lines, how do trolls choose which quadrant they’re in?”

“Excellent question, Harley.” Karkat decided that he had enough of the rock’s pointy edges in his ass and took a cross-legged position beside Jade in the pine needles. They, too, poked at his backside, but Karkat could ignore their tiny needle points for the chance to brush elbows with Jade. “That’s why troll adolescence is pretty much dedicated to settling quadrants. It’s like a messy game of musical chairs. We call this vacillation. Vacillation over the pity-hate line is more common than over the concupiscent-conciliatory line, but both are common. Terezi and I vacillated a lot over the pity-hate line, we pretty much tangoed back and forth on it. When she grew flushed for Dave, I thought Terezi and I could settle in a kismesissitude, but our affection was not black enough. Looking back, it might have not have been red enough, either. Black, in this case, refers to the hate side on the pity-hate line, whereas red refers to the pity side.” Karkat stopped when he felt Jade’s hand on his wrist, and he cracked a small smile. “That’s in the past, though. It wasn’t meant to be, and I accepted that long ago.”

A second passed, and Jade was leaning her weight against Karkat’s side. “Go on,” Jade whispered, “I know you, Karkat, and I can tell you’re just getting started.”

“Well,” Karkat whispered back, “There’s also the specific societal functions for each quadrant, if you’re at all interested learning about the intricate and fascinating sociology of Alternian culture. See, each of the four quadrant relationships has its own purpose, its own… job, I suppose. Besides supplying genetic material for the upbringing of the next generation, that is. The two concupiscent relationships have a function that serves the overall empire as a whole, fostering the every-evolving imperial fleets with boosts of morale, while the conciliatory relationships function to keep each individual troll’s social circles in balance…”

\--

\--adiosToreador [AT] started pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]--  
AT: sO, hEY,  
AG: Uuum, hi?  
AG: I mean, we haven’t talked in, like, moooooooonths, 8ut…?  
AT: oKAY, sO, i WAS RIGHT, wHEN I ASSUMED THAT YOU HAD BEEN AVOIDING ME, eVEN IF I’M NOT ALL CLEAR ON WHY, qUITE YET,  
AG: Oh, I’m terri8ly sorry. I’ve overestim8ed your intelligence again, it seems.  
AG: There are precisely two reasons that I’m avoiding you.  
AT: uH, nOT EIGHT,  
AG: Not eight, no. Two simple reasons, and may8e you’ll recall them. I seem to remem8er that you were there, in the silhouette of the sun.  
AG: Giving me two o8scene hand gestures as you a8andoned our dangerous heroic quest.  
AT: oKAY, iT’S TRUE THAT I DID THAT,  
AT: bUT I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D TAKE IT PERSONALLY,  
AT: oN ACCOUNT OF IT BEING THE SORT OF GESTURE I’VE SEEN YOU PULL BEFORE, aND EQUALLY THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY HAD IT COMING, lIKE, fOR A LONG TIME,  
AG: Uuugh, none of you losers can let the past go, can you?  
AG: No, we just have to keep digging those stinky corpses 8ack up from their graves. No rest for the wicked, it seems! Nope, we’re just going to keep on judging people for the things they did in their very early adolescence, and 8rand them with all these la8els that they’re never going to 8e a8le to outgrow, no matter how much they apologize, and try to prove that they’ve changed!  
AG: You’re such a hypocrite, Tavros!  
AT: a HYPOCRITE,,, wHAT,  
AT: pLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING I HAVE DONE, tHAT CONTRADICTS SOMETHING THAT I DID OR SAID EARLIER,  
AT: i’M CURIOUS,  
AT: aND ALSO DUBIOUS, bECAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE SUCH AN EXAMPLE EXISTS,  
AG: Do you really think I didn’t notice????????  
AG: Do you really 8elieve that you were so coy and sly that you were capa8le of hiding the truth from me? I suspected it for a long time, 8ut when John came to visit, and you two 8oneheads fum8led around in some sort of awkward caliginous tango for inexperienced wrigglers, it 8ecame o8vious!  
AT: uM, iT DID,  
AG: Yeah!!!!!!!!  
AG: You were flushed for me, you idiot!!!!!!!!  
AT: oH,  
AG: So what the hell h8ppened to that????????  
AG: We spent sweeps together, Tavros. Sweeeeeeeeps.  
AG: Sweeps of getting to know each other, and working together, and you were actually capa8le and not stupidly paralyzed from the waist down, which was a huge improvement for you.  
AT: wAIT, bUT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED ME,  
AT: aND ALSO KILLED ME, nOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, wHICH IS HOW I GAINED MY LEGS BACK, bUT,  
AT: tHE ENDS DON’T JUSTIFY THE MEANS, iN THIS SCENARIO,  
AG: Oh 8oo hoooooooo.  
AG: Poor lame Tavros. Poor disa8led Tavros. Always the victim, that Tavros.  
AG: Do you know what sort of people are victims, Tavros? People who only ever let things happen to them! 8ecause they’re so 8usy 8eing sorry for themselves that they forget that they are actually capa8le of 8eing a force of action, and not just some sort of inconsequential speck of dust incapa8le of charting its own course through life!  
AG: That’s what you are.  
AG: You’re never to 8lame for anything!!!!!!!!  
AG: How can anyone 8lame you for shit if you never do anything 8T F8CKING 8LL????????  
AG: Except for the one time you grew a spine, and it was to leave me!  
AG: I had to watch John die, you apathetic failure of a troll! I couldn’t do anything to save him! I lost the guy I thought would 8e my forever and after, 8ut instead of feeling like a victim, I picked my sorrow and pain and grief and I manned the hell up!  
AG: You were supposed to 8e my second chance, Tavros.  
AG: I was getting 8etter, too. I was getting nicer. I was learning. I was improving.  
AG: 8ut you couldn’t let the past go, and you had to play the victim, and you had to throw all your unspoken promises of redrom and commitment right in my fucking face!!!!!!!!  
AT: wOW, uH,  
AG: Well, I’ve had enough! I thought I could change you, 8ut I guess some things don’t change.  
AG: At least I tried to.  
AT: oKAY, sO,,,  
AT: i FEEL LIKE, mAYBE, yOU DON’T SEE THE FLAWS IN YOUR OWN ARGUMENT,  
AT: lIKE, mAYBE, lEAVING OUT SOME KEY DETAILS, eSPECIALLY THE ONES CONCERNING YOUR TREATMENT OF ME, aND YOUR REASONING BEHIND DOING SO,  
AG: Ha, this sounds rich. And what reasoning was that, huh?  
AT: yOU HATED ME, rEMEMBER,  
AT: kARKAT TOLD ME,  
AT: oNE OF THE DOOMED TIMELINE KARKAT’S, i MEAN,  
AT: aBOUT HOW YOU CONFESSED YOUR CALIGINOUS FEELINGS, oR HOW HE DEDUCED THEM, bY READING BETWEEN THE LINES,  
AT: iT’S LIKE WHEN WE WERE FLARPING,  
AT: yOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO YOUR,,, pERFECT ENEMY,  
AT: iF YOU WANT TO BE SAD, bE SAD BECAUSE IT WORKED, bECAUSE I REALIZED SOMETHING, bACK WHEN WE WERE HUNTING FOR TREASURE,  
AT: i LEARNED, i MAY LOVE YOU, bUT, i HATE YOU MORE,  
AT: i HATE YOU, vRISKA,  
\-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked arachnidsGrip [AG]—

\--

\-- adiosToreador [AT] started pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]--  
AT: hEY, gAMZEE,  
TC: HeY.  
TC: It’S bEeN, lIkE  
TC: A lOnG tImE sInCe We AlL pUt AsIdE tImE tO gEt A rEaL gOoD cHaT oN.  
AT: tO ME, iT’S BEEN MANY, mANY SWEEPS,  
AT: bUT FOR YOU, i GUESS, iT’S BEEN APPROXIMATELY TWO SWEEPS, gIVE OR TAKE,  
AT: sEEING AS YOU DID SOME TIME TRAVELING, i’VE HEARD,  
TC: YeAh.  
TC: YeAh, PrEtTy MuCh.  
AT: tHIS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AWKWARD, dOES IT,  
AT: bECAUSE IN THE PAST, oUR CHATS WERE NEVER AWKWARD, aND ACTUALLY, i REMEMBER THEM BEST, fOR PRECISELY THAT REASON,  
TC: I’d MuCh RaThEr It NoT bE, bUt I dOn’T tHiNk ThAt KiNd Of ShIt JuSt CoMeS aLoNg WiTh ItS oWn HaNdY-dAnDy OfF aNd On SwItCh, YeAh?  
AT: tHAT’S TRUE, uNFORTUNATELY,  
AT: aND PRETENDING PROBABLY WON’T MAKE IT BETTER, i’M GUESSING,  
AT: sO INSTEAD, mAYBE, wE CAN AGREE TO BE AS HONEST AS WE CAN, wITH ONE ANOTHER, jUST LIKE WE USED TO BE, aND WITH TIME, tHE AWKWARDNESS MIGHT GO AWAY,  
AT: iF WE’RE LUCKY,  
TC: I uSeD tO aLl AnD gEt My MaCk On WiTh YoUr SeVeReD hEaD.  
AT: oH,  
AT: tHAT CERTAINLY WAS HONEST, i’LL ADMIT  
AT: bUT, wELL, i FEEL LIKE THAT WASN’T THE BEST LEAD IN, aND COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED, fOR LATER, oR NEVER,  
TC: I aIn’T aBsOlUtElY aNy GoOd At ThIs, TaVrOs.  
TC: If It’Ll Be TaKiNg OuT oN tHe WeIrDnEsS, i WaSn’T iN mY rIgHt MiNd WhEn I wEnT tO dO tHaT.  
TC: It AlL sTaRtEd On InNoCeNt, WiTh TrYiNg To ReViVe YoU. bUt SoMeWhErE aLoNg ThE iN bEtWeEn Of BeInG mYsElF aNd BeInG uNdEr ThE iNfLuEnCe Of PuPpEt VoOdOo, It SlIpPeD iNtO sOmEtHiNg ElSe.  
AT: tHAT DOES HELP, a BIT,  
AT: bUT NEVERTHELESS, i STILL SAY THAT THE TIMING WAS OFF, fOR INTRODUCING THAT PARTICULAR, uH, cONFESSION,  
TC: DaAaAmN, sHiT.  
TC: I jUsT tHoUgHt I’lL aLl ToSs ThE lArGeSt ElEpHaNt In ThIs HeRe CoNfEsSiOn RoOm So ThE rEsT fRoM tHeN oN iN wOuLd AlL bE sEeMiNg LiKe LeSsEr AnD eAsIeR tO dEaL wItH eLePhAnTs.  
AT: oKAY, iT MAKES MORE SENSE, wHEN YOU SAY IT THAT WAY,  
AT: i DO FEEL LIKE ANY OTHER CONFESSION, aFTER THAT ONE, wILL BE EASIER TO SWALLOW,  
TC: I gOt My PaP oN wItH mYsElF iN tHe BeD wE’lL aLl Be ShArInG tOnIgHt, Uh, WhIlE tExTiNg KaRkAt.  
AT: i MAY, uH, hAVE BEEN MISTAKEN,  
TC: UhHhG.  
AT: i FEEL LIKE, mAYBE, tHERE ARE THINGS I SHOULD KNOW, aND OTHER SECRETS, lIKE THAT ONE, tHAT DON’T NEED TO BE KNOWN, tO ANYONE, oUTSIDE OF YOU AND KARKAT,  
TC: ThAt… SoUnDs AlL kInDs Of FaIr.  
AT: bUT, uH, tHAT ACTUALLY MADE ME SMILE,  
TC: …YeAh?  
AT: hAHAHA, yEAH,  
AT: bECAUSE THAT BLOCK IS OFTEN CROWDED, aND DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, aSSUMING YOU’RE GOING TO BE ALONE LONG ENOUGH, tO SEE IT THROUGH, iS THE TYPE OF THOUGHTLESS BOLDNESS I’D EXPECT FROM YOU,  
AT: aND THEN CONFESSING IT LATER, tO ME,  
AT: i GET THE FEELING, tHAT MAYBE YOU THOUGHT I’D BE MAD, yEAH,  
TC: HaHa, YeAh, BrOtHeR. iT iS aLl YoUr SlEePiNg SpAcE.  
AT: aND YOURS, tOO,  
AT: sO IT WASN’T LIKE YOU WERE BREAKING A RULE, oR ANYTHING, bY SHARING A PRIVATE MOMENT WITH YOUR MOIRAIL, vIA ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION,  
AT: sO, lIKE, dON’T FEEL GUILTY,  
TC: HaHaHa, WeLl, ShIt!  
TC: NoW i CaN aLl BaCk Up AnD sEe ThE bIgGeR pIcTuRe, AnD hOw I’vE bEeN pLaYiNg ThE fOoL aLl ThIs MoThEr FuCkIn’ TiMe, WhOoPs.  
AT: yEAH, hAHA, iT WAS KIND OF FOOLISH,  
AT: bUT NOTHING I WOULDN’T EXPECT, fROM A CLOWN, sUCH AS YOURSELF,  
TC: YoU gOt Me, TaVbRo. PiNnEd Me AlL dOwN lIkE jUsT aNoThEr BuG iN yOuR cOnFiRmEd AsSuMpTiOnS cOlLeCtIoN.  
AT: hAHAHA, yEAH,  
AT: sO, yOU AND KARKAT, hUH,  
TC: YeAh, BrOtHeR. aLl CoMe ToGeThEr LiKe MoThEr SeReNdIpItY aLl DeScEnDeD dOwN fRoM rOmCoM hEaVeN aNd ShOoK hEr FiNgEr At HeR rEaL aUtHoRiTaRiAn LiKe, AnD sAiD,  
TC: “YoU tWo BeSt GeT yOuR rEaLiZaTiOn On To ThE rEqUiTeD sItUaTiOn Of YoUr FeElInGs AnD sHiT.”  
TC: MiRaClEs, TaVrOs.  
TC: I gOt ThIs PaRt ReAl DoWn InSiDe My SoFt OrGaN lIkE bItS, aLl FuZzY lIkE dOwNy DuCkLiNg FuR, aNd WhEnEvEr I gOnE sEe My PaLeMaTe’S fAcE, oR gEt A hEaR oN fOr HiS mIrAcLe VoIcE, tHaT pArT jUsT gOeS aNd LiGhTs Up, BuT iN aN eMoTiOnAl WaY, a FeElInG sOmEtHiNg LiKe YoUr FaVoRiTe SnUgGlY sWeAtEr ThAt YoU wEaR oN tHe InSiDe Of YoU.  
TC: He JuSt DaMn RiGhT dOeS sHiT tO mE, rIgHt?  
TC: AmAzInG tHiNgS. lIkE i GoT mY cHiLl On WiTh YoU aLl FoReVeR aGo, BuT tHiS cHiLl We GoT rUnS aLl ThE wAy PaSt ThE pHySiCaL pArTs Of Me, AnD rIgHt To My SoUl.  
AT: uH, wOW,  
TC: RiGhT?  
TC: I dOn’T gOt ThE pAn FoR qUaDrAnTs, Or HoW kArKaT cAn EvEn UnDeRsTaNd ThAt ShIt DoWn To A mOtHeR fUcKiN’ sCiEnCe, BuT iF i OnLy KnOw OnE tHiNg, It’S tHaT tHe MeSsIaHs DoNe AnD mAdE kArKaT eXaCtLy WiTh Me In MiNd.  
AT: tHAT’S, wOW,  
AT: i THINK, mAYBE, mY LEGS ARE FALLING ASLEEP, aND I NEED TO WAKE THEM,  
AT: aND GO ON A WALK,  
TC: Do, Uh.  
TC: WoUlD yOu Be MiNdInG tOo MuCh FoR sOmE cOmPaNy?  
AT: i THINK, mAYBE,  
AT: i WOULDN’T MIND AT ALL, aCTUALLY, aS LONG AS THAT COMPANY REFERS TO YOU,  
AT: aND, uH, sIMPLY YOU,  
AT: aND NO ONE ELSE,  
AT: tHOUGH, i SHOULD WARN YOU,  
AT: i MAY TALK PRIMARILY ABOUT VRISKA, aND MORE SPECIFICALLY, a POSSIBLE FUTURE KISMESISSITUDE,  
AT: mAYBE KARKAT’S EXPERTISE ON QUADRANTS RUBBED OFF, aND YOU COULD DETERMINE IF MY FEELINGS SOUND LIKE TRUE BLACK HATE, oR SOMETHING ELSE,  
TC: YeAh.  
TC: YeAh, I cAn HeLp A bEsT fRiEnD aLl OuT wItH tHaT.  
\-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]--  


\--

Karkat and Jade had since moved on to an open field, blooming with overgrown wildflowers, and surrounded with raining cottonweed seeds and dancing butterflies. Jade was having a jolly old time, crouching on a log, moving minimally, as to not disturb the butterflies crawling over her arms and climbing through her hair. 

Karkat was not having such a fun time. He kept himself low on his haunches as he stalked the increasingly avoidant insects. 

“You have to move slower than that, Karkat,” Jade teased him, but he ignored her.

The butterfly that was closest to Karkat was a simple little yellow one, with some black markings near the tips. It kept moving indecisively between a few different flowers, very rarely settling on one long enough to cease fluttering about. If Karkat was going to capture it, he knew he’d have to wait for it to put its guard – and wings – down. 

“This,” Karkat said in a sharp, mock whispering tone, “is quite easily the most brainrotted purposeless activity that I have ever agreed to participate in.” 

Jade laughed, moving to sit down on her butt, which lost her about half of her butterflies, but she didn’t seem to notice or care. “Oh, c’mon, Karkat. We both know you’re only saying that because you absolutely, positively _suck_ at it! If you had any talent for it, it’d be the best game ever invented.”

Karkat didn’t bother to confirm nor deny the accuracy of her statement. Was it because he was an alien that the butterflies avoided him so? But that made no sense— trolls weren’t an alien species in this universe, or hadn’t been considered so for many generations. Then again, these bugs probably knew Jade, so she had a distinct advantage over him. It certainly wouldn’t have had anything to do with Jade’s sparkly, Disney princess personality, or natural, down to earth charm. Surely such cliché feminine appeal, no matter how unique the take on it was, only worked on the brainless. And himself, apparently.

Everyone but Jade herself already knew how smitten Karkat was, no matter how much he tried to avoid wearing his flushcrush on his sleeve. Then again, now Karkat was started to suspect that she had finally caught on as well, if Gamzee’s slip-up earlier hadn’t already made it obvious.

And Jade cared— about his culture, about the quadratic theory of love. She called herself a scientist of the physical world. Rocks, animals, physics, anatomy, all of this she could understand with ease, Jade had confessed to him earlier, but it was what she couldn’t see, couldn’t touch, those vague notions, the terms that named ideas and thoughts, that was the sort of stuff that fascinated Jade the most. Because it was so out of reach, and because it didn’t always make sense. Culture couldn’t be measured, or weighed. Love couldn’t be defined by mere chemicals. 

Jade had confessed to him how strange she found the concept of big cities, of government, of sacrificing freedom for a flawed system built by biased men. When Jade listened to Karkat explain his philosophies, Karkat didn’t feel like he was just spouting pretentious bullshit to give some sort of illusion of superiority. He felt like his words were affecting her. She had requested his point of view on things, and he had provided.

Hell, she was so perfect, perfection was her only flaw. Karkat peeked at Jade out of the corner of his eye. There were some familiar bags underneath her eyes. She was overworking herself, being the perfect hostess for her alien visitors. Jade held such high standards for everyone, but the highest she set for herself.

And so, fuck it all, Karkat was going to catch that butterfly. 

Finally, the little fucker settled itself on a tall, crooked sunflower. One step, and the butterfly didn’t even bat a wing. A second step, taken even more cautiously than the first, but still Karkat was in the clear. Next, Karkat had to get his hands in position. Just like Jade taught him, he spread and flexed his fingers, holding them like two sides of a cage. 

The third step caused the butterfly to move, climbing up higher on the flower by a couple of inches, but whether it was aware of Karkat or had been merely startled by the sound was impossible to tell. 

Now Karkat was in position to pounce, but he didn’t chance his luck by diving in straight away. He wanted this butterfly to be completely at peace, so that it wouldn’t notice that Karkat was lunging for it until it was too late to escape. 

It got to the point that Karkat could hear Jade swinging her feet impatiently, dislodging a few more of her friends, but Karkat didn’t care about that.

At last Karkat sprung, quick as he could, hurdling himself straight at the butterfly, hands extended and ready to pluck the pesky little fiend right out of the air if need be. It went by too quickly, but Karkat felt the brush of a powder soft wing, and as he tumbled belly first into a tangle of tall grass, the troll felt nothing but pure satisfaction.

He opened his fingers, just slightly, just enough to peer in at his captured prize.

“You didn’t catch it,” Jade told Karkat the same moment he realized the same himself, waving his hands in front of his face as though the butterfly had disappeared between his fingers somehow. “Look. There it goes.” Karkat glanced up to watch his escapee fly off under the guidance of Jade’s pointing finger.

“It’s a good thing, too,” Jade continued, once the bug was out of sight, “Turning your fingers into claws like that? You probably would have killed the poor thing!”

“What?” Karkat couldn’t believe his ears! “I arranged my hands exactly the way you taught me!”

Jade shook her head stubbornly. “No! I showed you how to make a soft cage out of your hands, not how to poke the bug’s wings through with your pointed troll talons! See, like this—” Jade held out her hands to model the correct butterfly-catching procedure, “Soft cage, butterfly trap of death, soft cage, _butterfly trap of death_!” 

“It’s exactly the fucking same!” Karkat argued, staring at her fingers and trying to figure out the difference.

“How are they anything alike, Karkat?” Jade demanded huffily.

Karkat began moving towards her, giving her a scowl to match hers. “You’re too far away, anyway, smartass. Your hand just looks like a writhing fuzzy blob from back here. Just— c’mon, show me again. Show me the soft cage for pansy butterfly catchers.”

“This pansy butterfly catcher caught three more than you did today,” Jade pointed out, “Just pay attention! Look, you have to soften your fingers, like this, don’t hold them with so much tension.”

A few more steps, and Karkat was close enough to reach out and touch Jade. “So…” Karkat said, “something like… this?” Karkat relaxed his hand in the same manner Jade kept hers, and reached out to pluck one of the butterflies from her hair.

Karkat turned his hand over, uncurling his fingers. The butterfly fluttered its wings, and began to explore its new environment.

“Huh,” Karkat said, “It didn’t fly away.”

“Congratulations,” Jade giggled, “You’re officially a Disney princess.” She took a step forward, cupping under Karkat’s hand so she could bring it closer to her face to watch the butterfly move about. “Well, I guess that’s it.”

“What’s it?” Karkat made his voice low and intimate, like the moment. 

“I promised myself to tell you something once you had caught a butterfly,” Jade murmured, bending her head so that her hair fell to cast shadows over her face. “Of course, when I made the promise, I subconsciously believed you’d be chasing them around the field until sundown, and I could escape with my secret unspoken.”

Karkat thought he was probably breathing too loud. He forced himself not to speak.

Maybe Jade had been waiting for him to say something, but when he didn’t, she let out a small giggle. “Okay, so here’s my secret.” She leaned closer, close enough for Karkat to smell her, the fruity shampoo she used that morning, her natural fragrance, a slight hint of musky perspiration. Jade smelled of dirt and uncut grass and manufactured strawberry-kiwi. Karkat could read her lips as she confessed her secret. 

“Parenthesizes, negative numeral, comma, positive numeral, end parenthesizes.”

Karkat pulled away, as though he’d touched a cooling stove. “And just what the fuck is that even supposed to mean, Harley?”

“Graph it, dummy,” Jade laughed, all too amused with herself.

And, lo and behold, Karkat put away his anger and riddled it out in his head. It took less than a minute. And in that minute, his cheeks went from soft cloudy gray to hot scarlet.

Later, Karkat would insist he started the kiss, just as Jade would insist that she took the initiative, but it happened so fast that it couldn’t be determined which of them reached for the other first. All thought and logic was lost in the heat of the moment. It was the sloppy sort of kiss that occurred between people who had procrastinated on being emotionally honest too long. Karkat sought to commit Jade’s taste to memory, as Jade familiarized herself with the way Karkat’s lips moved against hers, and they found rhythm together, and even so did not pull apart for a good while after.


	9. Chapter 9

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo on board JOBS JOBS JOBS --  
EB: okay.  
EB: i’ve actually discovered something that might help us with our unemployment issue.  
\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] responded to memo--  
GG: That is to say that we discovered something that might help us with our unemployment issue. Really, John, stealing all the credit for yourself? What an impudent move. :B  
EB: hahaha, okay, we both discovered it.  
EB: jane?   
GG: Yes, of course. Allow yourself the credit, and leave the long, tedious explanations to me.   
GG: Ahem.   
GG: Please do forgive me if any of this is confusing. Time is not my aspect, and my understanding of it is limited, and is more likely than not flawed. I’ll try to use a metaphor where I describe time as a line, or a tree, rather, with branching timelines that eventually become doomed. These doomed timelines being the branches of the tree.  
GG: Once we “won” the game, or rather, broke it, we were given the entire tree in which to choose a place to settle down; instead of the typical “new world” that recreates the cycle.   
GG: The branch that we focused on was the pre-scratched Earth timeline. However, this is not the same Earth as the one John and his friends left behind. It is from a separate, previously doomed timeline, in which the Condesce manages to reach Earth as she did in the post-scratch Earth timeline, but was defeated in battle. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense so far.  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo--  
TG: nah jane youre doing just fine trust me  
TG: i mean yeah time is kind of really over complicated in a lot of ways and it isnt quite as simple as the metaphor youre going for overall but i think it works with what youre trying to explain  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo--  
AA: dave is right! youre doing great jane  
AA: on the troll side of things this isnt really considered that great of a timeline  
AA: its kind of looked upon sort of like the end of troll civilization!  
AA: 0u0  
AA: but its also worth mentioning that we changed the whole course of history before arriving here  
AA: by using ectobiology to ensure that earth had already been introduced to trolls and other alien races thousands of years before the imperial fleets arrived!  
AA: its actually very interesting because there are some trolls living on this earth that still define themselves by their alternian roots!! from a sociological standpoint its fascinating because we literally created a whole sub-culture of trolls  
AA: ones that use the ethical code of a dystopian military planet that no longer exists  
AA: think of all the history weve made happen in the process! the moral conflicts and the tension between trolls earth-born and trolls alternian-born  
TG: whoa down there lex luthor  
TG: while thats all fascinating shit and im quite reasonably impressed we kind of just went all coup d'état on janes explanation  
AA: oh thats right!!!  
AA: my apologies  
AA: 0n0  
GG: It’s quite all right, Aradia.  
GG: That actually cuts down what I have yet to expound upon quite considerably.   
GG: The John, Jade, Dave and Rose that originated from this timeline were doomed even before their version of the game began, which is unfortunate, especially considering that we created their timeline, which honestly was meant to be doomed from the beginning. We did add trolls to it, however. Anyway. The point I am trying to make, however fickle I’ve been in presenting it, is that we arrived into this world shortly after the John, Jade, Dave and Rose from this timeline left for their game. Three years exactly, in fact.  
TG: okay ignoring the tragedy of our poor multicultural doomed clones i cant be the only person wondering about the meteors and all that shit  
TG: did they not destroy the world  
GG: No, they did not. In the same manner that we used the ectobiology machinery to recreate the troll race, we made good use of the appearifier device and Beta Roxy’s scientific recordings to appearify said meteors, well, into the core of the game.   
TG: so like  
TG: you averted the apocalypse and everyone on this planet was all cool with that  
GG: Well, I think they approved, certainly. Of course, the whole ordeal is still under heated debate by scientists trying to explain the miracle, but next to the alien invasion they also miraculously survived, it pales a bit in comparison.   
TG: right so this planet is already pretty familiar with freaky  
TG: like what up ive gotten to second base with freaky meteors disappearing out of the sky that’s what i call a successful second date  
GG: That’s… an accurate, if colorful, metaphor, yes.  
TG: but our lookalikes went missing yeah  
GG: Yes, these four lots have been empty for the past three years, which explains all the shifty looks we have been getting from our neighbors. As far as we can tell, though, the game seems to have… persuaded them to forget about the disappeared houses and the missing person reports.   
TG: well thats good  
GG: I sure thought so. The game appears to ensure that heroes will mold into their awarded worlds with as few kinks as possible.   
TG: so whats the bottom line here what does this mean for our unemployed alien amigos  
EB: it means that the four of us can hire them as our own employees, and don’t have to deal with all the messy paperwork.  
TG: okay so well just have our horde of illegal alien workers great ive always wanted to grow up to be a professional douchebag  
TG: so what are we going to make our own business or something  
EB: i’m… not entirely sure about that part yet.  
EB: that’s why i thought it would be a good idea to discuss this on a public memo. there has to be a way to combine all our talents.   
EB: or at least split those talents into four or less distinctive categories.  
TG: i call using my aliens to make satirical movies that subtly dis the government  
TG: not enough for anyone to actually complain about it just enough to leave anyone in a position of legislative power watching it with a sense of shame they cant quite place the cause of  
TG: yo any of you trolls have abysmal acting abilities  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo--  
GC: D4V3 1 H3R3BY OFF3R MYS3LF 4S YOUR P4RTN3R 1N 3XPOS1NG SOCK3TS OF CORRUPT3D POW3R 1N YOUR FL4W3D 34RTH GOV3RNM3NT THROUGH 1RON1C4LLY 4M4T3UR MOV13S WH1CH 1S OF COURS3 4N 4CT1ON TH4T 4BSOLUT3LY NO ON3 S4W COM1NG H3H3H3 L3T US UN1T3 OUR 4B1L1T13S TO B3 4BSOLUT3 SH1T 4T TH1NGS TH4T W3R3 OTH3RW1S3 GOOD 4T FOR TH3 S4K3 OF M4K1NG 4 PO1NT 4BOUT TOD4Y’S SOC13TY  
TG: tz you are just after my goddamn heart and soul girl  
EB: um, wow.  
EB: i guess that’s certainly a direction you can take, dave. are you really sure you want to do exactly what your alpha self did, though?  
TG: sure why not  
TG: i mean i was successful as fuck the first time why would that not be an option i would consider  
GC: PLUS 1F 1T’S GU4R4NT33D SUCC3SS W3 WON’T H4V3 TO WORRY 4BOUT GO1NG HUNGRY 4ND 1 C4N’T SP34K FOR 3V3RYTON3 BUT 1’M F41RLY CONF1D3NT TH4T 4 FULL PROT31N S4CK 1S 4 H1GH PR1OR1TY FOR PR3TTY MUCH 3V3RYON3  
EB: that’s a good point.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo--  
GG: hey!!  
EB: hey, jade!  
EB: where have you been? we didn’t hear from you on the last memo.  
GG: hehe well thats not exactly something i want to discuss on a public memo  
TG: bow chica wow wow  
TG: jade congrats who did you do the dirty with  
GG: what!!!  
GG: no no no!!!!!!  
GG: thats not what i meant :(  
GG: i just went on a nice walk with someone is all  
TG: with karkat i bet  
GG: theres no way you could know that dave!  
TG: jade seriously you got stuck with the least amount of trolls and the only one youve shown to have any sort of romantic tension with out of those few trolls are karkat and fishface  
\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo--  
CA: wwhoa okay wwhat the actual blisterin fuck is your problem  
CA: my name is not fishface you imbecilic darkened glass possessin poser boy  
CA: youre as bad as sol i reckon  
CA: all you self-proclaimed bad boy types are all the fuckin same right dowwn to the fraudulent unicorn status of your coolness  
CA: that is to say it doesnt exist  
TG: whoa who shat in your bean curds fishface  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo  
TA: ii wii2h ii could a22ure you that that wa2n’t 2ome 2ort of iinfrequent debacle.   
TA: the truth of the matter ii2 that ED ii2 about as 2ociially 2ufficiient as the mediical condiitiion that he’2 named for.   
TA: that ii2 two 2ay he’2 got a per2onaliity dy2functiion.   
CA: wwait  
CA: is that wwhy you alwways call me ed  
TA: no but one day the connectiion occurred two me.  
TA: ii wa2 ju2t waiitiing for the perfect moment two u2e iit.   
GG: hey!!  
GG: it’s bad enough that the only thing you guys do is bicker on and on and ooooooooooon while in my house and home, but this is a public memo!!!  
GG: you do not get to fill it up with your infantile hate flirting nonsense   
TA: hey now. hate fliirtiing ii2 not what ii2 takiing place here. ii want ab2olutely nothiing two do wiith ed’2 erectiile defiiciient bone bulge.  
TA: ii ju2t liike two remiind hiim of the faiilure of hii2 exii2tence.  
GG: AUUUUUUUUUUGH  
GG: kaaaaaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaaaaaaaat  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo--  
CG: OKAY, YEAH YEAH, I’M HERE.  
CG: THEY’RE BEING FUCKING JERKWADS AS PER USUAL. I AM GETTING JUST AS SICK OF THEIR NAUSEATING NOT QUITE CALIGINOUS NOT QUITE PLATONIC RAGE SPITTLE MATCHES AS THE NEXT FUCKER, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?  
GG: oh come on!  
CG: WHAT? IT WAS AN HONEST QUESTION.  
GG: werent we just talking about this yesterday karkat???  
CG: WE TALKED ABOUT A GREAT MANY TOPICS, JADE. NONE OF WHICH, UNLESS PART OF MY MEMORY WAS FUCKING OBLITHERATED OUT OF EXISTENCE, INCLUDED THESE TWO RIPE-HEADED MORONS.   
GG: karkat, really  
CG: DON’T *KARKAT, REALLY* ME!  
CG: OKAY, WHAT OBVIOUS FUCKING FACT AM I MISSING THAT WILL MAKE ME GO, “OH, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT” UPON BEING POINTED OUT?  
GG: the thing is that i could see it even though you gave me a word for it, which is really saying something  
GG: but now what i know what its called its even more obvious than ever before  
GG: then again maybe seeing romance when its staring you straight down the throat is inexplicably harder to notice than when its staring someone else down the throat  
CG: WHOA, WHOA. ROMANCE?  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: JADE, ARE YOU FUCKING IMPLYING WHAT I *THINK* YOU’RE IMPLYING?  
GG: maybe  
GG: all im saying is that i am not going to auspistize them for you  
GG: no offense of course but i just dont know eridan and sollux like you do and i just dont have those sorts of feelings for them  
TA: wow.  
CG: YEAH, RIDICULOUS, I KNOW.  
CG: JADE, LOOK, I DON’T BLAME YOU. I’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE. YOU READ YOUR FIRST ARTICLE ON THE THEORY OF QUADRATIC LOVE AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE SEEING POSSIBLE ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS EVERYWHERE YOU GO.  
TA: no ii mean wow, go jade.  
TA: ii thought we would have two do the 2ame repetiitiive hate mambo untiil we were all growiing gray haiir2.  
CA: no kiddin kar you wwere really off your game  
CA: i really thought slippin in that line from that horrendous ashen b movvie you subjected me to back wwhen wwe wwere fivve wwould havve been the clue that burst your wwitless bubble  
CA: apparently i wwas wwrong  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: WERE YOU TWO SERIOUSLY TRYING TO ROPE ME INTO A MEDIATOR ROLE IN AN AUSPISTICISM? LIKE, ALL THIS TIME?  
CG: WHOA, BECAUSE, I DID NOT READ BETWEEN THE LINES OF THAT *AT FUCKING ALL*.  
GG: :P  
GG: seeeeeeeeee??????  
GG: whos the love expert now huuuuuh??  
CG: YOU, HARLEY. YOU ARE NOW AND FOREVER MORE THE LOVE EXPERT. I FORMALLY DENOUNCE THE CROWN AND PLACE IT CEREMONIOUSLY ON YOUR AWAITING HEAD.  
GG: hehehehe <3  
CG: <3  
TG: see i knew it was karkat  
GC: 4WWWWW YOU TWO 4CTU4LLY M4K3 4 PR3TTY CUT3 COUPL3  
GG: okay okay yeah  
GG: karkat and i went on a walk yesterday  
GG: upon which we discovered our mutual affection for each other <3 <3 <3  
CG: JESUS FUCK, ARE YOU ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS MIND-BLOWINGLY ADORABLE? AM I GOING TO HAVE TO COME PREPARED WEARING A BUTCHER’S APRON JUST IN CASE MY BLOOD PUMPER EXPLODES FROM EXPOSURE TO AN UNFATHOMABLE AMOUNT OF CUTE?  
GG: awwwwwww <3  
TA: you miight want two grab that apron becau2e ii thiink ii’m about two hurl.  
CG: SHOOSH YOUR CHAPPED NERD LIPS BEFORE I FIND YOU AND PAP YOUR OVERSIZED HEAD UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHOLE FUCKING GALAXY OF STARS.   
\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo--  
TC: DaAaAaAaAaAmN, mY bEsT dIaMoNd LoVeR.  
TC: WeNt AnD pIcKeD yOuR sWeEt SeLf Up A hEaRt AnD a CoUpLe Of ClUbS aLl SiNcE oUr LaSt ChAt. ThAt’S rEaL mOtHeR fUcKiN iMpReSsIvE iF yOu AsK mE.   
CG: WELL, FUCK. I GUESS I DID.  
TC: JuSt DoN’t Be TeLlInG mE tHiS mEaNs LeSs TiMe A bRoThEr Is GoInG tO bE aBlE tO hEaR tHaT sUgArY vOiCe Of YoUrS aLl WhIsPeRiNg On AlL sPeCiAl In My EaR?  
TA: GZ control your2elf thii2 ii2 a publiic fuckiing memo je2u2 FUCK.  
CA: yeah this really aint the right place to be oozin your adolescent highblood hormones out evvery orifice like a feline beast in heat  
TC: :o(  
TC: ‘S wAs An AlL ‘rOuNd InNoCeNt EnOuGh QuEsTiOn.  
CG: GAMZEE, THAT WASN’T INNOCENT IN THE LEAST SENSE OF THE WORD. IT WAS BASICALLY THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF THE ANTONYM OF INNOCENCE.   
CG: BUT NO, THE SUGARY PILE TALK WILL DEFINITELY CONTINUE ON WITH ITS USUAL COURSE.  
TC: NoW tHaAaT’s WhAt I aLl LiKe To HeAr!  
TC: <>  
CG: <>  
TC: AnD lEt Me JuSt SaY jAdE, i Am A hUnDrEd ThOuSaNd MuLtIpLeS oF gLoRiOuSlY jOyFuL tHaT yOu AnD mY sOuL bRoThEr GoT yOuR fLuSh GoInG oN aT gOoD lOnG lAsT. i WaS rOoTiNg FoR yOu FrOm AlL aBoUt ThE fIrSt TiMe I hEaRd My KaRkAt SaY yOuR vOiCe WiTh ThE tInIeSt LiTtLe ShAdOw Of A qUiRkEd LiP oN hIs PrEtTy FaCe.  
GG: awwwww, thanks gamzee :D :D  
CG: *YOUR* KARKAT?  
TC: AlL aBoUt To DeNy ThAt, My BrOtHeR?  
CG: NO, NO, JUST OBSERVING. I’M NOT GOING TO ARGUE, AS LONG AS IT’S A TWO WAY SORT OF DEAL.  
TC: WeLl ObViOuSlY, hAhAhAhAhA. <>  
TA: yup, defiiniitely gonna vomiit.  
TC: AnD sOlBrO aNd ErIbRo.  
TC: I’m AlL aBoUt HaViNg ThE bEsT fAiTh In ThE bOtH oF yOu’S, aNd I cErTaInLy In No WaY wAnTiNg To ImPlY oR mEaN tHaT i GoT aNy SpEcK oF dIsLiKe AiMeD tOwArDs EiThEr WhEn I sAy ThAt If I hEaR aBoUt KaRkAt GeTtInG hIs HuRt On ‘CaUsE oNe Of YoU bOzOs DeCiDeD tO aLl MaKe LiGhT oF tHe CoMmItMeNt YoU’vE aLl WoOeD fRoM hIm, ThEn I’m NoT aBoVe SeWiNg YoU tWo Up LiKe CoNjOiNeD tWiNs To Be ReLiViNg ThE wHoLe ErIsOlSpRiTe DeAl.  
CA: um  
TA: well. KK thii2 ii2 your proof. you are datiing a litieral psycho.   
CG: YEAH, BUT HE’S MY PSYCHO.  
TA: and don’t you dare 2ay but he’2 my p2ycho  
TA: auuugh  
TA: ii giive up on you, KK.   
TG: when did this memo turn into karkats romcom life  
EB: seriously.  
EB: one memo. i just want one fucking memo that stays on topic.  
CG: AND THAT TOPIC WAS?  
EB: jobs. careers. how to provide ourselves with a sufficient income for comfortable life on this new earth.  
CG: JADE’S A FUCKING GODDAMN GENIUS, SHE CAN JUST SHOW OFF SOME OF HER INVENTIONS AND GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE GIRL WHO REVOLUTIONIZED MEAL PREPERATION. PLUS I CAN TOTALLY HELP HER WITH THE SOCIOLOGICAL ASPECT OF SCIENCE. AND ERIDAN, SOLLUX, JAKE AND WHAT’S HIS NAME CAN JUST BE OUR LAB RATS.  
CA: kar im a scientist too you knoww  
TA: plu2 ii can proviide codiing for jade’2 technology.  
TA: turn her 2teak roa2tiing deviice iinto a re2pon2iive robot, 2uck on that po2h a22 2ciientii2t2.  
TA: but yeah, jake and rufiioh would make good lab rat2.  
EB: oh.  
EB: okay, well i guess you got your future already figured out.  
EB: as well as dave, with his government conspiracy movie nonsense, which leaves rose and me.   
EB: speak of, where is rose?  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo--  
TT: My apologies, I was otherwise occupied.  
TG: bow chica wow wow  
TT: Yes, Dave. I was otherwise occupied enjoying the many ambiguities of xenobiology through sexual interaction with my concupiscent alien girlfriend.  
TG: wow gross i was kidding  
TT: And I was not.  
TT: Anyway, I have already figured out what I want to do. Recent research into troll, cherub, and carapace culture shows that the research into their psychologies is remarkably lacking, at least the research that isn’t muddied by a history of xenophobia and bias.   
TT: I wish to fill the large gaps that are so unfortunately present, along with the help of Kanaya, as well as Gamzee and Terezi, if they want to offer their assistance.   
TC: AbSo MoThEr FuCkIn LuTeLy! YoU kNoW i’D bE sO aLl In FoR tHaT nOiSe, SiStEr.  
GC: 1 DONT S33 WHY 1 C4NT OFF3R MY 3XP3RT1S3 1N M4TT3RS P3RT41N1NG TO TH3 M1ND  
TT: Wonderful! Until I get my first book published and off the ground, no one need worry for me or my house trolls. I found my mother’s credit cards in her old study. Past that, my house is full of items of immense value, and only half hold any sort of emotional weight over me.   
TG: damn i forgot to check if my bros old porn site was still wracking in the dough  
TG: ttyl losers  
TT: So I am quite satisfied with my situation. I think the most pressing situation is your own, John.  
EB: i guess so.  
TT: Might I suggest exploiting the culinary prowess you have collected between two of your house guests? This world is sorely in need of a distinctive and authoritative license name where it pertains to baked goods, now that Condese never lived long enough to found it herself.   
GG: That’s genius, actually! Gamzee, you bake, don’t you? I think I’ve heard someone mention that.  
TC: FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUcK, yEaH, mOtHeR fUcKeR.  
TC: BaKiNg Is AlL bEiNg ThE mOsT mIrAcLe ThInG a BrOtHeR oR sIsTeR cAn GeT tO bE dOiNg WiTh HiS hAnDs. TuRnInG rAw InGrEdIeNtS iNtO wIcKeD gIfTs FoR tHe FlAvOr BuDs AnD sOuL? tHaT’s SoMe ReLiGiOuS sHiT rIgHt ThErE, i’M tElLiNg YoU.   
CG: GAMZEE’S COOKIES ARE UNFORTUNATELY SINFULLY APPETIZING. I GAINED AT LEAST TEN POUND ON THAT HELLRIDE OF THREE GOD FUCKING YEARS.   
GG: That… sounds like something I can work with.   
GG: Hoohoo :B  
EB: well, now i feel like this memo was a waste of time.  
TT: Of course it wasn’t, John. It got us all aware of each other’s financial goals, and allowed us to brainstorm solutions.  
EB: you were only here for like the last tenth of it, rose.  
TT: True, true. Do I want to know what else happened?  
EB: karkat’s romcom life happened.  
TT: Jade and Karkat finally got together, you mean? How wonderful!  
TT: Jade, I’m so happy for you.  
GG: :I  
GG: why do i feel like everyone knew about this except for me  
TT: Because that’s the way it was, dear.  
GG: okay that explains it then  
EB: first you know the batterwitch is evil, but no one believes you. then you face the batterwitch in battle, and defeat her. and then you become the batterwitch.  
TT: Uh oh, John appears to be having an existential crisis. Someone should go slap him.  
GG: On it.  
TT: Thank you, Jane.  
TT: And it looks like it falls to me to close the memo.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] closed memo--  



End file.
